Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[aliveandkicking]

Your marriage is dying a slow death. I would NEVER be pushing you to take action if I didn't believe you are at risk of losing exactly what you came here to save.

Do you get that your marriage will likely end one way or the other???

Stop being afraid of D and focus on salvaging your M.

This is so damn hard, I know.

[MrBond]

I do get the respect issue. That's why I haven't been going over the top with the compliments.

I don't know if it's dying a slow death, or well, "stuck".

If she was really checked out of it, wouldn't she NOT address any of my concerns I detailed for her? I admit it's not an immediate rush to change things, but it's a big improvement from even 2 months ago.

Ah, what the heck is wrong with me? You got me thinking about what SHE thinks. shake it out. shake it out.

Okay, I'll just absorb it all for now and observe for a bit longer.

[MrBond]

OK, much better now. I consider it a case of temporary insanity.

Sandi, if you're out there, I'd like to see what your 2 cents worth are for this.

[aliveandkicking]

I apologize if that derailed you. I know you are doing well. I just think that now that I look back on the limbo H and I were in for so long, I feel sad watching others go through it.

Respect was a huge issue. But, I am not in your house and obviously, I am not your W. Do what works for you.

[MrBond]

Nah it didn't derail it. I love our little back and forths. You really opened my eyes to how my W felt about me with the kids. And for that I am extremely grateful.

I've been in limbo longer than you, so don't sweat it.

Tonight we had a great time. My W was actually initiating conversation again and smiling. Right now she's on an upswing again. Being from Hawaii, I've learned how to surf up and down, so I think I'm beginning to get the hang of navigating her moods.

It really is weird how her moods really do reflect an up and down pattern.

You hang in there too missy.

[Eskimo Nell]

Stuck - have you read 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman?? I got bored with it at first but revisiting today it makes sense. I didn't start at the beginning but jumped straight in to the chapter entitled Loving the Unlovely ... then I skipped about a bit but got to where I needed to be.

I learned that I have been guilty of totally draining my H's love tanks and in turn, he mine. We have not communicated properly for many years, according to Dr. Chapman!

Just wondering if this would make a difference for your sitch - to see the confusion it brought about though, visit my latest post - would also be glad of some feedback!!

[MrBond]

Hi EN,

I did read the 5 LL as well as almost every relationship book ever published.

My W's primary LL is Words Affirmation. It goes hand in hand with her low self-esteem. So I've been sprinkling her with praises here and there and very careful to not go over the top.

I'll double check on your sitch in a bit.

[Eskimo Nell]

Mmmm, thought provoking.

You say that Words Affirmation goes hand in hand with your W's low-esteem. I had to profile my H in what I thought best that he would have answered as evidently he is not here being a WAH. However, I was as honest as I thought that I could be and I came up with the fact that he was bi-lingual in Words Affirmation and Quality Time. H definitely has no self-esteem issues .... or does he?? I don't see that he does but then I recall a letter that he wrote to me recently in which yes, he may be identified as such.

Mmmm... got me thinking!

[MrBond]

For my W, she had an A with her boss who pretty much validated everything she did. She was also at a risk of losing her job, so his attention was extremely important to her.

Like yourself, I had to figure all this out on my own. So I figure that with the Words of Affirmation, I can try to give my W what her boss did. But I'm alot further along this route than you are.

Your H may be in a MLC, but you're not going to know for sure.

Just keep on taking care of yourself. Read as much as you can about MLC if you want. That helped me.

[MrBond]

Well things this past week have been pretty good. After the message I wrote to my W, she's been talking more, seems more animated and engages conversation.

I think the biggest thing that I've noticed is that she laughs more now. I would say it was a good 7 months that I saw her not smile or laugh. So it was nice to see that change.

I'm still doing my own thing, but also encouraging her here and there (words of affirmation).

Oh and she also has been giving me hugs (albeit unsure ones) before I leave for work. Right now she's on an upswing. I know it's going to head back down soon, so I'm just enjoying it while I can.

She does still have those moments where she shuts down and is quiet. So I leave her alone during those times and give her space.

Even though she's not wearing her ring, I can't but help think that she's trying. Or trying as much as she is able to right now. I mean, if she really didn't want to stay in the M, I don't think she would have tried to address some of the things I mentioned in the email. I think she would have just responded back in anger or just said "screw you".

Anyone with any thoughts?