I wish I could assuage many of your assertions that if only WAW had spelled it out...if only we had discussed that the ship was sinking...then we could have done something about it. H and I felt it, talked about it and still were clueless as to what the heck to do about it. And once I got that he was leaving and felt the pangs of living in purgatory, there was no winning him back...but he feels that I "killed the marriage" and I see where he is coming from.
SP, you proclaim that your marriage was providing as little to you as it was to her. You were unsatisfied...and what did you do about it? Were you so self-aware as to know that the end was imminent and to express your lack of fulfillment? I suspect it is only now that you are even recognizing it.
I agree with so much of robx's post, except that the WAW is plotting and scheming to leave. The WAW and the LBS are firing at moving targets. I, the woman who was incredibly thoughtful, always planning birthday parties and procuring spectacular gifts for H, gave him NOTHING on our anniversary pre-bomb. He gave me a beautiful ring and a lovely card...is this because I was a sucky wife and he was an awesome husband? No, two months earlier, I had thrown him the party of a lifetime that took me a year to plan. I was trying to fulfill his needs and he was trying to fulfill mine. By the time the anniversary came around, I was depressed and feeling hopeless...
My point is that we "try" in different ways and while one may ponder exiting for a loooong time (H now says he was "done" long before the anniversary with the ring and card and I know I contemplated leaving too) you aren't out until you are out. I have a soon to be WAW friend who vacillates from day to day. A few good days, she thinks "maybe" then it goes south and she feels she can't take another day.
And, I have to say that W being bored during foreplay is pretty depressing for her too and that she would say it is just awful but then again, we are chiding her for NOT communicating enough too. And what if the WAW doesn't know how to make it different. The one time I tried to spruce things up and take the initiative, H made some juvenile comment and killed it...this is not easy stuff when trying to reinvigorate in the bedroom. It is demoralizing for both parties.
I guess I am saying that yes, you are finally getting a clearer picture of the "truth" of your M. That you are only acknowledging now that you were unsatisfied then, does not mean you were not acting on those feelings and contributing to the dynamic, it means you were rather oblivious to what was happening with yourself and your M. And I say that with all due respect and affection...and presumptuousness (so forgive me if I'm off)...
