UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks for popping in, Bonny!

I know that Gucci's advice is right and I am already on Day Two of 'going dark with a grey tinge' - meaning that I will only email him stuff that is to do with the house - bills etc. I have to remain practical on that. I will not be pursuing in any way shape or form, not even to add anything other than business to emails - plan: scan bill ---> send. Nothing else. My initial goal on this is one week but I know that will do nothing (it's just my goal in a bite size piece to make it more palatable). My overall goal is as long as I can manage it for ... I know that he will eventually have something to say to me and at that time I can DB my way through the conversation. Now that I have realised, as you say, that I have time I have stopped panicking quite so much and am more able to put going dark in to practise.

Honestly, I don't know what is stopping me getting out there on my bike. I have made it all ready and I have laundered my cycle shorts .. I'm all set to go. Perhaps I am stalling as it is something that we did together and wanted to do more of but never got around to it. My bike is inviting but I just can't saddle up! However, I am going to keep on trying and, now that I have a new friend, I will ask if she will come with me one morning - just to get me started. I can cycle to hers too - it's not that far, so perhaps that thought needs to seed itself in my mind and then I can get going. Thanks for the encouragement.

Hobbies and crafts involve money and I just don't have the capacity for that right now. I have looked for all sorts of jobs and continue to get the same answer - overqualified for this and not enough experience in this country, for that. I'm also in a niche profession so it's all stacked against me at the moment - or so it feels. I know that this sounds like an excuse but I was struggling like this for 3 months before H walked out. He knows how it is and, whilst he has not said anything about the job, he has made comment about the bills. Mind you, that seems to have stopped this past two weeks. Maybe it's because he's booked a holiday and feels it unfair on me ... who knows what he's thinking??? Alien territory.