Thank you so much Coach and EB. Your support is helping me get through all this and avoid total despair! I haven't been on the DB site for long, it's true, but I've been working on keeping myself calm now since the bomb - last March. My therapist is really good at keeping me focused on this ,and it is my number one goal in the R.
Tonight he got pretty angry about the house - he has always had an irrational (IMO) anger problem about "the carpet". He constantly nitpicks it, yet it was HIS idea to have wall to wall (I told him years ago hardwood would be easier to clean with a small child). He continues to erupt about it and I stayed relatively calm. I actually was a bit more firm than I've been - saying "Stop it!" instead of nothing. I took a risk standing up for myself yet I was anxious that it would instead escalate things and we'd backslide. He actually did try to calm back down.
We had another issue around my son's eating behavior at dinner (see earlier post) and again, instead of him yelling and me just saying nothing to avoid the fight (180) he actually talked to me about his feelings and theory around what is expected of S at dinner and I listened and responded - calmly. That is progress! Talking! Listening! STaying calm! Standing up for myself!
Of course, now I am riddled with anxiety that this will push him away, escalate the tension, etc.
But evidence (actions, not words) is showing otherwise - for the second night in a row he offered to sleep here - still in separate rooms. He's been going off to his apartment any chance he can in the past, but we've spent two full days and nights together in this house and I'm scared to say it's starting to feel normalish. He went out tonight and usually when he does that he stays at his apt. - but he said he'd come back here and get up with S so I can sleep in. He usually stays away on weekends unless I ask for a particular time for him to take S. This weekend I don't know. He hasn't said one way or the other what he is doing == I'm holding out hope that will play in my favor and he might stick around for more family time like he has the past couple days.
Again, I'm scarecd though, I could be in for a big disappointment if he gets up tomorrow morning and says, "See you Sunday night" like he did last weekend. I'll take it a day at a time, EB, and if he hangs around like he has the last couple nights, I'll see this as vast improvement.
and Coach - loving myself. Trying to remember throughout the day that this is about loving me. Something I have yet to do my entire life, so you are right, this is about taking care of myself no matter what the outcome. That is a true 180 =- not to prove anything to him, but from the inside out, for myself.
Now - I'm pretty scared that things are going so well because it's so new - dare I say this is the best week since the bomb in March? I should be thrilled, but why am I terrified? I guess there's more to lose? More hopes that can be broken? More fear that the closer we get, the more we might slip back into old patterns of fighting.
I'm making 180's but is he? Is he ready to have a calm and attentive loving relationship instead of a resentful, antagonistic, distant one? How do I get through this panic attack?
