That's a great suggestion! When I started looking, I thought that the divorcebusting site might have a listing of therapists in various locations who apply Michele's principles. But when I didn't find any, I felt like I was out of luck. I agree that you've got to be somewhat lucky to find the right therapist by pointing a finger in the yellow pages. I'd feel much better if I could get a recommendation. I'll give it a try. Thanks.
Thanks for the suggestion. I've read before about how getting away from the house and the kids is one of the best ways to rekindle romance. And I have no doubt that doing so can often work wonders. But I'm skeptical about it working with my wife. I think that if I make any mention of making love to her at some point in the future, she'll either have a fit right then or, if she manages to try and go along with it (which I doubt), her anxiety will build up to the point that there won't be any chance of anything happening. Also, I think that at this point she wouldn't consider having sex either in a place where there was a possibility of getting caught or dashing into a motel just for the sake of sex. I could be very wrong - that's just the impression that I get from her.
I've tried making time for us to be alone - both regular dates and weekends out of town - but if she thinks there's some possibility that I'll use that opportunity to initiate sex she becomes extremely "guarded". It doesn't help that I get my hopes up, then when she does everything possible to make sure that we don't have sex (or kiss, or cuddle, or anything else) it breaks my heart. I end up saying something, the sex argument starts, and we have a terrible time from that point on.
Now I haven't ever gone about it in the mysterious way that you've suggested, and I certainly won't rule that out, but I just wanted to point out what I think would happen. However, that doesn't mean I'm right, so set me strait if there's something that I'm failing to understand.
I sometimes think that my wife enjoyed sex when we were dating because it was "forbidden", and now that we're married there's no thrill in it for her because there's nothing wrong with it. So from that standpoint, I've wondered if she might get turned on by the thought of having sex in a somewhat risky setting. However, she's really never given me any reason to believe that. More likely, when we were dating she feared losing me and therefore had a lot of motivation to make me happy. While I don't think that she purposely "trapped" me, the fact that our sex life basically disappeared the moment we exchanged rings makes me think that she lost the subconcious motivation that she previously had.
Elle, regardless of how it may sound, I actually do think that your suggestion has some merit and I appreciate your input. I hope that you'll continue to offer some suggestions.
Just checking in after staying away from the message board all weekend. To answer your previous question, I don't really have a family doctor to ask for a counselor recommendation. I don't go to the doctor very often, and I'm on a PPO where I don't have to have a primary care physician. I've been meaning to find a doctor to "call my own", but unfortunately I don't really think about it until I have some reason to go to the doctor.
Hope your Friday night plans to initiate went well - I suppose I might find out as I catch up on the threads from the weekend.
Quote: I don't really have a family doctor to ask for a counselor recommendation. I don't go to the doctor very often, and I'm on a PPO where I don't have to have a primary care physician. I've been meaning to find a doctor to "call my own", but unfortunately I don't really think about it until I have some reason to go to the doctor.
Which is what many do. Not sure if I asked this before but does your company have a hotline you can call for a reference or help?
Quote: Hope your Friday night plans to initiate went well - I suppose I might find out as I catch up on the threads from the weekend.
Yes, the plans were successful.;) We went out and playe a couple of hours worth of pool and when we came home H made a point of telling me that he knew about the dart and wasn't going to remove it. And it seemed that H was more playful and relaxed. It was actually fun. Saturday morning we made a point of together taking the dart out of the board and placing it back in its case.
Nothing has happened since Friday, which is OK. If H doesn't make a move by Wednesday I will again.
The med I'm on seems to have kicked in. Feeling much better about life in general. The only thing that really has me down is my inability to lose the weight I've put on since moving in with H. I'd done so well--losing over 50 lbs & keeping it off--then in the past year I've put back 30 of it. H tells me he loves me and I know he does but I don't feel good about myself and the aches/pains in joints are coming back. Will need to speak to Family Doctor about it next week.
Good luck, Sooner. I think you're going to feel much better yourself as soon as you link up with a C.
Hey Sooner, sorry to see you are still having no luck. I think it was back in May or so when I quit posting here. I haven't had much luck either. For a while after the marriage counselling the frequency got up to about 3-5 times a month. It slowly tapered down to nill. I bought her a $30,000 SUV and we had sex about 3 times that week. Its been almost 2 months of nothing since. I don't dwell on it much. I don't really feel like I love her much anymore though. I don't even try to initiate sex, conversation or anything else anymore. I spend my energies doing things that may actually make a difference like taking care of our kids or helping run a sports league. The marriage is pretty hopeless to me. But, like you, I've got the kids to think about so I haven't left for greener pastures. Maybe something will change someday. I can't decide wether its lack of sex that is ruining our marriage or if the marriage sucks that leads to a lack of sex. Chicken and the egg I guess. Even beyond the sex thing, I am an extremely proactive person and my wife isn't. I don't even think she understands the concept. So when things got really bad with us last Feb/March, I busted my butt to try to make things better and she did virtually nothing. So, I quit trying. We basically just take turns taking care of the kids and go through the motions with the rest of it. I take Benadryl at night which puts me to sleep (her snoring keeps me awake if I don't) and shuts off the sex drive.
Sorry to come back and post such a downer. I have been praying every night that God will keep our marriage together long enough for us to become close again. I'll remember to add you and your wife to my prayers too. That's the best I can do for you.
FredD
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
Hi Fred! I noticed your disappearance from the message board and was hopeful that you'd solved your problems and moved on, so I'm really sorry to hear that you're still dealing with the same issues. I definitely understand reaching the point where it seems like no amount of effort will make things better as I'm getting close to that myself. Your offer to include me and my wife in your prayers is touching and I'd really appreciate that. I'll do the same for you as well. Sometimes I wonder if God is letting me try every possible means to solve this problem on my own, and fail, just so he can show me that he's the one who is in control. If that's the case, when I finally give up and decide there's nothing else to try, maybe that's when things will suddenly get better.
It's good to hear from you. Good luck and please let us know if anything changes.
