Okay, so we are one month away from W's move-out day. I was gone last week at a conference and then took my daughters to Disney for a few days. Early in the week I called W and she seemed elated that I called her and even texted me after the call to say thanks for the call. So later in the week I called again and left a voicemail. Never heard back from her.
Had I been a good DB'er I would have left it alone, but I couldn't resist asking her why she completely ignored the call when she seemed so happy to hear from me earlier in the week. Bad move and I should know better. Her response was that "She was sorry she said anything earlier in the week and that she was even more sorry that I misinterpreted it".
So with one month to go, I get a feeling that things will probably get worse as we get closer to the move out date, because she has already made reference that she resents being the one who is having to leave. I would welcome anyone's observations as to how things went for them prior to the move-out of the WAS and advice on how to handle the upcoming increased tension. Thanks.
Went househunting today. I have to say there was something liberating about looking at a new place to live and the beginning of a new start. Part of the detaching I guess.
Thanks K. I haven't seen anything specific yet that makes me want to put an offer on it, but I have to say it is nice knowing that option is there if I want it. Plus I really enjoy looking at houses, so it's a good stress reliever as well for me.
Hi searching. How's the home hunt going? I'm doing the same and having a terrible time. Curious where you are that it's enjoyable! LOL. For you it's a stress reliever, for me it's the cause of intense anxiety!
I wonder how things are as you approach the transition date. In my sitch there was less than 3 wks notice and it was extremely unpleasant. It got nearly unbearable. My partner was angry and miserable and life was pretty hard for a few wks. I told him that although things didn't work out, it wasn't for lack of feelings and so I hoped that things wouldn't deteriorate further than they had already. He said no they don't have to. But.. they surely did! He wasn't communicating about his specific plans, so I would hold my breath every night when I opened the door, would it be disappointment that he was still here, or sadness that he were gone. There was profound loss and empitness when the day arrived. He moved while I was at work so it was just awful to come home and see every sign of him ripped from my home. My D was home when he left. and she'd called me and said "the bald eagle has flown the coop," (he wears a bald head so that was her humorous way to fill me in.) But there was relief from the pressure that we'd experienced in the wks leading up to the move. For quite a while I found it hard to sleep. I finally moved the bedroom furniture around and got new sheets and that helped. I have to admit, although I still miss him, I don't necessarily miss living with him. That's my experience anyway. I imagine it will vary greatly on the individual circumstances. How is it going?
Thanks for giving me your experience regarding the time just before separation. We are still about three and a half weeks out from the separation date. So far things have been okay, better than I have expected. There are days when my WAW is a bit more moody and distant than others, but for the most part pretty even keel. I expect as the day approaches that could change. Another concern is that we still have not spoken to our girls about this. I want to very soon, but she says there is no hurry. I certainly don't want to do it the week before, so if she doesn't agree to soon then I'm going to tell her that I'm going to talk to them myself.
I know once she moves out I will be sad but relieved. Sad because it is one more nail in the marriage coffin but relief that I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore and can begin to move forward with my life.
As for househunting, it's not going that great. Unfortunately there are not a lot of properties in the price range I can afford around here (Northern Virginia, just outside of DC), but I really enjoy looking at houses so I don't mind it taking a while. Something eventually will pop up that I like and can afford. Sorry your's is so stressful, however I guess NYC is a completely different market as well.
When stbxH moved out, it was already 6-7 months of craziness, hostility and mysterious behaviour (we all know now why...). The day he moved out I was devasted because my kids were crushed. As days passed by, I realised all the emotional abuse I was putting up worrying that me standing up to him would push him away... Now, I wish I had kicked him out immediately. Maybe it would have shaken him up and made him think. Of course reading his mails with OW, he was so deeply in love with her, it probably wouldnt have made a difference... But I digress as you guys say.
My point -lost in the way- is that sometimes separating, is the ONLY way to make harsh feelings fade and allow partners to miss each other. So, it could be a nail in the coffin, but it could also mean that someone may wake up soon.
You may be exactly right. If I had this to do over again, I would have kicked her out as soon as I learned of the affair and that she was not willing to end it. I too thought at the time that taking a tough stand like that would just push her more away. I was wrong, it made me look weak and accomodating. However I can't go back and change the past, only learn from it.
One of the things that concerns me a bit now is that after she moves out, if she does have a change of heart and wants to come back to the marriage will that be something that I really want. I have already detached alot and also I have not really dealt with the fact that she has committed adultery three separate times in the marriage. My trust level with her is pretty much destroyed. Not sure I want to go through the next 30 years of my life constantly looking over my shoulder wondering if she is really being faithful.
S4H, I had to make that decision. It sucked. The whole thought process sucked. I was crying for a month over the decision I was about to take. But I did anyway. I know what you are afraid of. But you will cross that bridge then. I believe, after my and of friends' recent experiences, that if the WAS, is honest and really means it, you will find it in your heart to "go back". Unless of course it takes her a long long time to reach to that. I suggest you now take it day by day. In the meantime, just make sure you are the man she will hate leaving the day she actually walks out the door. You have the tools, use them. K
I suggest you now take it day by day. In the meantime, just make sure you are the man she will hate leaving the day she actually walks out the door. You have the tools, use them. K
Very well said and something I need to make sure I remember. Thank you!
