here is a quote from Gucci from trytilDorR's thread:
Quote:
Your attitude should be this.. For example... Regarding the OM...
"I am not going to be your daddy and force you to do anything EVER AGAIN. (which means you put NO PRESSURE on her to dump the OM)(that will come because of her fear of you letting go..) I do know that I WILL NOT SHARE a woman of mine ever again."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
"Mrs RSF, I understand your feelings about wanting to go and support your friend. I also respect the fact you are aware of how this could effect the kids, I appreciate you honoring that boundary. If you feel that strongly about attending because it is the right thing for you to do I will support you in that decision. How can I help you get the kids ready?"
Did you mean that I should say I'd be glad to keep the kids?
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
So if she wants to go to the memorial, fine. Why does it have to be with the OM? Very contradictory. She can go, honor the friend without the OM and make you happy too.
She clearly says she would hurt OM if she doesn't go but she goes on to justify based on the person being memorialized and his family.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
"She clearly says she would hurt OM if she doesn't go"
She's still going. Why does she have to go with HIM? She mentioned how close she was with the deceased, so she can go herself. Let's call a spade a spade shall we? She wants to go with OM. Period.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
She expects you to be disappointed and upset. How would a strong, confident and honorable man (knight) handle this?
"Mrs RSF, I understand your feelings about wanting to go and support your friend. I also respect the fact you are aware of how this could effect the kids, I appreciate you honoring that boundary. If you feel that strongly about attending because it is the right thing for you to do I will support you in that decision. How can I help you get the kids ready?"
Don't say squat about the OM. Talk about her feelings, supporting her, the kids boundary. That's my .02 worth.
Isn't it likely that she is really worried about OM and not her junior high friend, her deceased husband or their kids? If she were she could go without OM. Does it even matter? I can't believe this stuff causes me such anxiety.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
"She clearly says she would hurt OM if she doesn't go"
She's still going. Why does she have to go with HIM? She mentioned how close she was with the deceased, so she can go herself. Let's call a spade a spade shall we? She wants to go with OM. Period.
How do I confront that? Do I say:
"It's not my place to tell you where to go or with whom to go. I can tell you that I would love to have the kids with me on Saturday."
Does that get the point across about the seperation of where and with whom?
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
"Mrs RSF, I understand your feelings about wanting to go and support your friend. I also respect the fact you are aware of how this could effect the kids, I appreciate you honoring that boundary. If you feel that strongly about attending because it is the right thing for you to do I will support you in that decision. How can I help you get the kids ready?"
Did you mean that I should say I'd be glad to keep the kids?
no, let the kids go
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
"It's not my place to tell you where to go or with whom to go.
Actually it is your place but don't point it out. Just tell her what Coach detailed about it being up to her as to whom she wants to go with or if she's going by herself to honor her friend.
But if you're uncomfortable with your kids being there while she's with the OM, then say that. You are their father after all.
When you were with the OW, did you take them out with her?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
We've already agreed that the kids would not be around him anymore. I honestly can't believe she's even suggesting that they go. Maybe she's afraid to ask me outright to watch them so she can go. How could I let them go after pointing out how wrong it was for her to immerse them into his life?
Not sure if she stays overnight if the kids aren't there. Either way the kids aren't pawns and must come first.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
When you were with the OW, did you take them out with her?
No never would I have exposed them to someone else unless I was A) divorced, B) enough time and healing had passed and C) I knew the OW would be in my life for a long time
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
