I am beginning, just beginning to see that my life and my family can continue and be complete with him.
Ok, meant to say "my life and my family can continue and be complete withOUT him"
Little slip on my part.
@Burt, regarding money. I realized that since I pay the car insurance, I had been paying his as well and am no longer willing to do that. I do not support him financially. In fact, so far he has been pretty good at giving me the $ I've asked for Ds' school. I've asked for 1/2 D's daycare, 1/2 other D's afterschool, his insurance and now 1/2 girls medical premiums (that come out of my paychedk). Total will be about 1/3 of his paycheck.
I make 2x as him, but I also have the mortgage, new car payment (yeah, he has my old car with no pmnt), the other half of everything above and food/bills that he previously paid for! Hope I'm being fair.
HIW M 35 H 37 D 5, D 2 Married 1996 Dating 1992 Met 1988 EA/PA started March 2009 Bomb 6/16/2009 Separated 6/23/2009
Journal: remember that part of the book where it says that you may do your 180s and GAL and H might not notice.... Well, that's me right now. H doesn't seem to care at all where I am, who I'm with or what I'm doing. Doesn't ask, doesn't care. I got home last night around 8:00 (his night to pick up the kids with our new schedule). Unusual for me to go out mid week - didn't ask, didn't care. Did chat with me a little about his work day and some of the problems at work (funny how changing wife out doesn't make the world a better, brighter place). At any rate, I was a little distant and may have rushed him to leave a little. Kinda hard to be around him these days. I need to figure out a way to be both lovingly detached and still the "better" option to OW. Ugh, why should I have to compete with this woman (note, wrote fat pig, deleted it and wrote woman). At any rate, thought it would be good for me to face my fears so here goes:
Fear #1 being alone. Solution- make more single friends, spend more time with friends that I have and family.
Fear #2 Finances. Solution -realize that you live at the income you make. I was "poor" before, put H through college on one income, I can live at whatever income I bring in with or without him.
Fear #3 Lifestyle. Never wanted to have "step" families or deal with blended family issues. Solution - tough, get over it and realize that life is too short to worry about how love is shared between people.
Fear #4 Culture, I am 1/2 Mexican , H is 100% Mexican and I feel that without him we will miss out on part of our culture. Solution - Speak Spanish with girls every night and seek out Hispanic cultural events.
Fear #5 Dying alone ... I've always had a fear that I would die young, partly b/c my grandmother died at 58. Solution - Why worry about things that you have no control over.
Ok, that's it for now. H takes girls over night Saturday. Ha, he was mentioning to me that he was trying to come up with things to do but wasn't sure. I just nodded thinking (yeah, I do that every day buddy). He said he wasn't sure he wanted to take them to the pool, "you know, because it's just me". I couldn't help myself, I said. "Yep, I know, I do it all the time". Any rate. I'll keep DBing, if nothing else, for myself and my sanity.
HIW M 35 H 37 D 5, D 2 Married 1996 Dating 1992 Met 1988 EA/PA started March 2009 Bomb 6/16/2009 Separated 6/23/2009
Just got back from lunch with a friend that is dying. Had a double lung/heart transplant and she's still in her 30s. Really puts all this in perspective. Time to really, and I mean really start enjoying life. It is too short and way too unpredictable!
HIW M 35 H 37 D 5, D 2 Married 1996 Dating 1992 Met 1988 EA/PA started March 2009 Bomb 6/16/2009 Separated 6/23/2009
HIW, You are so right about that! I have read your post & am sorry for your situation.
"Basically, he told me that he was unhappy, had been for a long time, and that it was time for him to be a little selfish. Get up whenever he wanted, go out etc. (thanks, now that we have two kids!!!). I have been doing my masters for the last three years and did not put the attention I should have on our marriage. "
We don't have kids but this part of your situation is similar to mine. I suspect, but not confirm an A. I think you have a great attitude & are doing everything right, just wanted to offer my support.
Your sitch sounds way more hopeful than mine - your H sounds pretty conflicted, mine seems very sure about wanting a D & has been putting the pressure on a lot lately. This have forced me to recognize the possible reasons for this, an A being the one I most often read about. Am trying to DB, GAL, detach & all that other good stuff but he keeps pounding away at this. Like Stronger, I have felt like throwing in the towel & often hear discouraging advice from friends & family who don't get why I dont' just agree to it. I wish you the best of luck in DBing & wanted to let you know your attitude & strength are an inspiration.
Well, the girls spent the night with their dad for the first time since he left in June. It was pretty hard on me, but I stayed cool. Made sure to have plans when he picked them up Sat. morning. And went out Sat night. Sunday, I cleaned. Nice to do without little ones around. Noticed that he rushed to drop them off last night (oh, no - two days without OW must have been killing him). At any rate, he didn't seem to care one bit what I did or who I was with... Oh well, then I get a call today at work from H. "Hey, how did the girls do last night?... How are you? How was your weekend". My replies were short and sweet... "Oh, I really missed the girls but I had a good time, went out, cleaned, got stuff done".
@LFA... sorry about your sitch, hang in there. I don't really have too much strength right now (one of the things I did yesterday while the girls were away, was cry....cry hard). Don't give up, "do what you feel is right" is great advice from Burt. This is not a sprint but a marathon and we are barely at mile 2.
HIW M 35 H 37 D 5, D 2 Married 1996 Dating 1992 Met 1988 EA/PA started March 2009 Bomb 6/16/2009 Separated 6/23/2009
Journal: had to drive by his apt. again today. His car parked there... another night with OW and they drove into work together. I know that there are no answers and no timeline for this, but my patience is really starting to diminish. I don't deserve this. My kids don't deserve this. I am obviously not detached sufficiently. Last time I tried to take down a few of his pictures at the house, he asked why I had done so... I hate having to look at pictures of us together and yet I'm stuck in our house with him living nicely in both worlds. Just venting, I guess. Started to look at lawyers' websites. The thought of D is no fun, but my life right now is no fun either.
Don't know how to do this when OW takes up all of his time/energy and attention.
HIW M 35 H 37 D 5, D 2 Married 1996 Dating 1992 Met 1988 EA/PA started March 2009 Bomb 6/16/2009 Separated 6/23/2009
