In Limbo

[d1adsl5a]

Interesting evening last night. First she said she was going out last night alone to the fundraiser on our anniversary. Then when I got home last night she told the kids that we were going together. One of two things could have happened, I could've swallowed my pride and just went along or I could have said like hell...But I swallowed my pride and didn't say anything and went out. We had a good time. Came home and we retired to our separate sleeping quarters. So I am glad I did go. I think it showed that we can still have fun together.

I have been and always taken care of myself physically. I have lifted weights 5 days a week for the last 20 years. It is good therapy that is for sure.

I guess the reason I asked you Jimbo about where your situation is and others that respond to the threads is that I am looking for success stories. That we are all heading down the right paths. I feel whether we admit it or not we give up ourselves, our pride a piece of ourselves to hold on to this marriage. I know that will eventually turn and I won't have those feelings anymore. But you have been db'ing for sometime as well as others that respond to this thread. I keep looking for the story where the W or H turns around and says I'm coming home.

I guess the realization that I will have to come to at some point is that the majority of the time they don't come home. I know some do, but it seems most don't. I keep looking for hope, a sign that I'm still in the game with my W. There are no signs. She probably captiulated last night and invited me so that I wouldn't have anger towards her again. You know what, it did work. I am in a good mood today.

I must realize that this site is about getting a sense of ourselves back. We have given so much of ourselves in order to save our marriages. To let someone have free reign while they figure out if they want us again. It can make a person feel very small. I feel like I sold my soul out a couple months ago to save this marriage.

The question you may want to ask is am I doing this for the right reasons. I feel yes: I am doing this so my sons are brought up without divorced parents. I am doing this because I still love my old wife. I don't love this one who has treated me so horrible. I guess that is how I get through this is that thinking she is someone else right now. I give you credit Jimbo for trying to stick it out even as she gets ready to marry another man.

I feel there will come a point for me( I am not putting a time frame on it) that I will have to move on. Find someone new. I am the type of person that needs closeness with someone. I have always had a steady girlfriend since I was in 8th grade. I can get much of that from my sons, but a piece will always be missing for me.

I will do my best to stop the R talks, stop putting pressure on her. I will do my best not to take another beating from Mach or a stern talking to from you Jimbo...

Thanks.

[d1adsl5a]

I will start the journey. Hell, I thought I already have. Clearly, I haven't. As you can tell, I am ready for the journey to be over. I guess paientence has never been a virutue for me. My sons and yes her are the ones that make me want to continue. No matter how horrible she has treated me, how many mean things she has said to me. I have to continue the fight.

The question I posed with Jimbo and you Beginner, is how long is long enough. How long before we have to move on. I don't just mean let them go. I get that is the part of detaching for us. I mean finding hapiness for us. We can all tell ourselves we are happy and moving on without our spouses and let the chips fall where they may. But aren't you missing that piece of yourself that needs that closeness with another person.

We are doing all these things(and I will do them and put in the work), but hell at what point do we look in the mirror and say we deserve better than the way we have been treated. We can only be walked on for so long until we have to say you are not worth it....I deserve to be happy with someone else.

I am rambling now....

[fisherman]

Sounds like your wife has some serious stuff going on upstairs. Not too normal right?? What do you suppose makes a person flip their wig like this? Deserves?

Don't get me started on deserves. Take a look around my friend. Nobody deserves to be ill physically or mentally.

What or who is stopping you from finding your happiness right now? Has to be you right?

It's not found with another person.

[Sara]

I don't know much of your situation, but you asked about success stories. And there are some. But from my two years or so following people on this website, I would say that the majority do move on to divorce or simply stay in limbo. My personal belief is that it takes more than just busting the divorce. It takes rebuilding the relationship. That is harder than simply preventing someone from filing. The Retrouvaille program has proven effective in healing broken marriages. It is an intensive weekend program led by couples who have been through troubled marriages and healed them. They teach many skills for getting along with your spouse, especially good communication. Check the website www.helpourmarriage.org for more information. They have many weekends coming up in September and October. Retrouvaille completely changed my marriage and helped several other people on this website. You should see if your wife will go there with you and make the rest of your life together a happy one. It is more than possible.

[Fallgirl]

"I will start the journey. Hell, I thought I already have. Clearly, I haven't. As you can tell, I am ready for the journey to be over. I guess paientence has never been a virutue for me. My sons and yes her are the ones that make me want to continue. No matter how horrible she has treated me, how many mean things she has said to me. I have to continue the fight.

The question I posed with Jimbo and you Beginner, is how long is long enough. How long before we have to move on. I don't just mean let them go. I get that is the part of detaching for us. I mean finding hapiness for us. We can all tell ourselves we are happy and moving on without our spouses and let the chips fall where they may. But aren't you missing that piece of yourself that needs that closeness with another person.

We are doing all these things(and I will do them and put in the work), but hell at what point do we look in the mirror and say we deserve better than the way we have been treated. We can only be walked on for so long until we have to say you are not worth it....I deserve to be happy with someone else."

Gosh, I do hope you get more answers to your comments D, which I`ve quoted here.

I too-despite dbing since April and living with crap for at least two years-am not getting the results I`ve hoped for.

Glad you went to the fundraiser though. You had fun for You. Which is what a lot of the dbing is about for me at any rate. It really does push us to make ourselves happy. It really helps heal our wounds from our current relationship and that should lead us to be in a stronger position should we decide to move on.

Hmmmm, not a very hopeful post regarding your current situation. But like you, I`m finding this limbo lark so difficult to take.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

…I have to continue the fight…

…We can only be walked on for so long until we have to say you are not worth it....I deserve to be happy with someone else…

How long before we have to move on?

This is pretty contradictory.

D it looks like you are already looking to move on.
To directly answer your question, “how long?” That is up to you my man and what you can stand. A 1 in 2 chance? A 1 in 100 chance? A 1 in a Million chance? Ten Million?

When I started this, I simply knew I wasn’t going to fail. My wife and I were that 1.

There is no set time line. It is up to you, what you can do and are capable of. However, if you do set a time line…just quit now. If you say, I’ll do this for a year…you have better things to do in that year, and MLC doesn’t work on your timetable.
Let’s face facts though, if anyone here has to convince you to be married…Why? Your internal convictions should set your own course not anyone else.

Your vows, your love, your commitment, your ability…not mine, not Jimbo’s or Mind’s will set your own bar and push it ever higher.

If this is MLC for your wife, your understanding of MLC will certainly help you. It is not logical, nothing about MLC is logical.

Did you make a promise to your wife and yourself? For better or for worse? The better is f-king easy man, if this is MLC…not much is worse.

4 months of DBing, really isn’t a long time, and DBing incorrectly doesn’t really count toward that total.
The amount of time is yours to decide, you have to live with the decision and the aftermath.

DBing isn't really about being happy. Its about looking in the mirror and fixing ourselves and patterns as well. You fix those things, and when they come back you have a better chance of not repeating mistakes.

[d1adsl5a]

J3B-Glad to hear your marriage worked out. You know I like a success story..

I hear you on the vows. For better or worse. There was an interesting R talk that I had with the wife half way through this mess. I brought up our vows and that you don't just cut and run when it gets bad. Her response was, I really don't value my vows anymore..

Clearly you can see I am an impatient guy. I do like to be able to fix things or at least see progress towards my goal. My goal of staying married. I have never been In Limbo in my life. This is more like Purgatory.

I sure I speak for many when you just get fed up with putting your heart, ego, pride on a shelf why you let this person who you don't really know anymore come and go as they please. Say what they want, act how they want. They can say things to you that cuts like a knife. We work on ourselves and they get to "Act Out" like a teenager.

I know it has only been 4 months. But as I mentioned earlier you look for signs that the person you married may come back. When you see nothing, it sucks.

I realize I am the only one that can call it. I am not calling it. I am here for the long haul. I guess I will know when I have reached the end of my rope....

[d1adsl5a]

Thanks Sara. I have heard of the program. Not sure if this is the right thing to do or not in regards to waiting to go. I have been waiting for her to get in a better frame of mind before I spring it on her. Was going to wait a bit before I sent her the link.

That is one thing I have learned through all this is that we never developed an intimate enough relationship to really share our true feelings. Not saying that would have stopped this from happening, but it would have helped. How long did you and your Husband wait before going?

[Golfgirl1]

My bomb was also dropped in 5/09. Would wait it out...I think if I weren't certain his business and finances are clearly in jeopardy. Loved him so much, but have to detach and let go.

[Sara]

How long did you and your Husband wait before going?

Depends on how you look at it. We were pretty miserable together for a number of years. But neither of us would leave. Then he started an affair and began to plan in earnest to divorce me. I found out about the affair and bungled it for him by having my raving lunatic son call her and show her the type of family she was messing with.

We then tried to reconcile on our own for a week or so, but it was really a cleverly disguised war. And then I heard of Retrouvaille, and he agreed to go the first time I brought it up. And then we had to wait about a month for the program. So all together, about 6 weeks from discovery of the affair to walking in the door.