When I checked my thread earlier today I somehow missed your post. Sorry about that! I appreciate your input concerning counseling. Not knowing anything about counseling or therapy, I can use all the information that I can get. Thank you.Sooner
Hey Sooner:
I've been following your threads for quite a while. I wish I had something more profound to say tht would help you, but I don't nor am I trained to do so.
In a message to another thread I wrote today that I never thought I'd be using a C. And I assumed my H would never agree. I was wrong on both accounts. I was afraid my H would never open up to the C. I was afraid I would be intimidated and not 'click' with the C. Again wrong on both accounts. I wasn't sure what to expect; I wasn't sure I'd get anything useful from the session. Again, I was wrong.
Now, that said, some people don't click with the first C. If you find that's you, don't feel pressured to continue or it will be a waste of time and money.
Therapy doesn't carry the stigma it did years ago. I don't feel embarrassed or ashamed to tell people I'm talking to a C. To me it's like talking to my best girlfriend, but better. The C is trained to actually help me, not just be a sympathetic ear.
I was afraid my H (a 50+ biker and former trucker) would: 1) Not go, 2)Go but not happily, or 3) Go and remain silent. It never dawned on me that there was a 4th option: to go willingly and participate.
Do we still have a problem? Yep. In fact, I have a letter written up that I want to read to him tomorrow at the C's office. Will it be resolved tomorrow? Doubtful. Do I have hope? Oh, yes. And I have much, much more hope than I did 2 weeks ago.
Get some recs on a C. Does your company provide an Employee Hotline you can call? Some employers do provide this as a benefit. The hotline will triage your issue and provide you with a name of a C near you (at least my company did). It's a starting point.
Much luck to you Sooner. And please let us all know how you make out with find a C.
You may not have had anything direct to do with getting my power back on, but if something had gone seriously wrong in Oklahoma while many OK linemen were here, you'd have had to wait longer. So you did do something.
Two thoughts on how to play to her pride. People with a lot of pride generally don't like to be pitied or told they can't do something. They rise to the occasion to prove you wrong. Next opportunity you get where you would ordinarily feel angry and frustrated, turn on the pity for your wife. Let her know that you clearly don't expect much from her in this area, because, well, obviously she just can't overcome the barriers to having sex. It's really sad but you understand that she just can't be good at everything. Afterall, she's a terrific mother and very good at her job, but everyone has their limits. Being sexy is just one of her limitations. (Oh, I'm having too much fun with this. )
Corri, GraniteRose, and MPT - Just wanted to thank you all for your continued advice and apologize for not replying yet. I've been swamped all day and have barely had time to check the messageboard. I'll reply to your posts when I get freed up a bit. I'm sure you're all sitting on pins and needles, checking the board every few minutes to see if I've replied. That was intended to be sarcastic by the way .
I remembered you saying that about stabbing at the yellow pages to find a counselor and it was one of the first things that I thought of when I decided that I need some counseling. Who knows, maybe that's what I'll end up doing. Besides a little searching on the internet I haven't accomplished anything yet as I've gotten swamped at work and have a mildly sick little girl at home.
I realize that you may not even see this reply due to your decision today to leave the board, but I wanted to at least acknowlege you. Corri, thank you so much for all that you do!
Thanks for your input concerning your experiences with counseling. It's nice to know that I'm not the only person who never envisioned going to a counselor but is now deciding that it could be of great benefit. Your situation is probably the main reason that I've started thinking seriously about it so I'm really pulling for you and your husband to make some amazing progress - both for your sake and to validate the effectiveness of counseling in my mind. I'm curious to find out how your session went tonight. Best of luck to you, and for what it's worth I think your husband attempts to work on the problem are a real testimony of his love for you. Go easy on him and realize how much anxiety he's probably dealing with right now. I'm sure that as that anxiety goes away things will get much better.
I like the way that you think! You're devious, but in a cute kind of way. Playing to my wife's pride as you've suggested probably has a pretty good chance of doing some good, at least if I can figure out how to go about it the right way. I realize that it was just an example, but if I went through your dialogue verbatim I'm afraid that she'd see right through me. She'd get mad and say "stop patronizing me!". That's why I sometimes wish that I'd married someone a little dumber (kidding actually). However, if I give it some thought, I'll bet I can find a similar way to use what you've suggested. The wheels are turning! Thanks.
By the way, if Corri actually stops posting, you realize that you'll have to come back "full time" to fill in for her, don't you? Just kidding of course - well, kind of anyway .
sooner, have you thought about calling or emailing Michele's office and asking for a recommendation for a solution based therapist in your area? I've done the close my eyes and point the finger thing myself and have been very, very lucky so far. I have heard horror stories though so asking for a referal from Michele might be a safer way of doing it. Cathy
Quote: Thanks for your input concerning your experiences with counseling. It's nice to know that I'm not the only person who never envisioned going to a counselor but is now deciding that it could be of great benefit. Your situation is probably the main reason that I've started thinking seriously about it so I'm really pulling for you and your husband to make some amazing progress - both for your sake and to validate the effectiveness of counseling in my mind. I'm curious to find out how your session went tonight. Best of luck to you, and for what it's worth I think your husband attempts to work on the problem are a real testimony of his love for you. Go easy on him and realize how much anxiety he's probably dealing with right now. I'm sure that as that anxiety goes away things will get much better.Sooner
Hey, Sooner! Here's a recap of yesterday: 1. Saw Med Dr. in the morning, BP very high, after 45 mins of mostly tears we decide to start daily 10mg of Lexapro (side effects for me 1st day were a bit of wooziness and a lot of trips to the bathroom ) 2. Talked to H at 1pm and told him. He was devastated thinking he's the problem and he didn't see it. Told him our problem was not the TOTAL cause of my depression and he could not have foreseen it. 3. Saw C later in the afternoon. Another very good session.
I can't tell you how satisfied I am with the C we are seeing. My H finds the C easy to talk with, too. During last night's session, my H learned that he is bothered more than I with my lack of reaching O during sex. *I* get much satisfaction from just the act itself. C & H talked about this for a while with H now knowing that I'm quite happy with his performance in bed.
After more talk between H&C, H now is beginning to really believe it when I tell him I love him unconditionally. H talked a bit about how in the past that had not been the case and he was leary. C validated his feelings and pointed out that that could also be the cause of his pulling back on sex. That once a person starts giving their all, they become vulnerable; that H is afraid *I* will do the same thing. H agreed that it's a possibility that he feels that way. Anyway, more talk between H&C about that & H felt better about that.
Next appt is in two weeks. We had to devise a way of signaling our partner that we were 'interested' that night. We chose to use our dart board. When one of us wants to initiate we put a dart in the bullseye If the other one is interested we leave it there, if not, we remove the dart. BUT --- if it's Not Tonight, then we have to give a reason/or reason to hope. [Ex: How about tomorrow morning/night? I'm tired, or my back hurts. But it just can't be No.]
So yes, things are working out. I hope they continue to do so and that you, too, find someone you are comfortable in speaking with so candidly. Barbara
Yes, that's me, "Ms Devious." This is how my deviousness plays out at our house: I try the direct communication route a few times. If that doesn't work, I announce to my H that direct communication hasn't achieved the results I want and I will now be resorting to manipulation tactics. He becomes quite attentive to see what I am going to do.
Yeah, you definitely want to be more subtle than my example!
Go home and tell your wife you have an idea, something you would like to try with her.
Tell her you want to plan a nice evening out for the two of you very soon, one that at some point in the evening will involve you making love to her, but that you have no intention of making love to her at home after the date it through. Perhaps in a motel, perhaps in the car...but someplace different than at your home. Tell her to think about it, and let you know in a few days what she thinks about your idea.
If she is game, then plan a date for your wife very soon. It does not have to involve a lot of money, but doing something other than the typical dinner/movie combo. On a weekend night, if possible.
Tell your wife a week in advance when your date will be. You tell her what she must wear, but not where you are going and what you will be doing.
Then plan. And see how it goes.
Perhaps because of your wife's stresses and children, she does not see herself as a desirable woman in her own home, hm? Perhaps she can only feel like a wife and mother at home, but not your lover.
It is not written anywhere that the only place we can have sex is in our own homes. It is convenient, yes. But if one cannot get the needed sex in one's home, then maybe one has to leave the home to get what they need.
It is not always convenient, and it does not always work, but I'm sure most would be willing to pay for a babysitter for a few hours each weekend if it did in fact work.
It is a suggestion, nothing more.
I also agree you should consider seriously visiting a counselor.
So you did do something.
.
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Here's a recap of yesterday:
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