I've been working out of a remote office here near MIL's house for 2 days, spending the evenings hanging out with MIL and being supportive wherever possible. MIL and I have been having fun exchanging jokes (thanks guys!)
I have found myself getting angry at our sitch, and in WAS mode have found myself now looking at our whole R in a negative light and started thinking "She's never going to change, It'll never be good, so we should just end it now"
Right now I need a good dose of patience and acceptance. We are spending time together. She is trying. We are going to Retrouvaille in 19 days. Yesterday she called me from the mall where she was looking at a potential replacement for her wedding ring. All good things.
At the same time, Mrs. Thinker has frustratingly gone back into withdrawal mode: non-communicative, non-responsive, shrinking away from any physical contact, etc. That would be OK if she were focusing her attention on MIL, but she's not. Instead she has been spending a ton of time on her cell phone with her girlfriends at home, her geographically distant sisters, etc. This seems to be her escape hatch - a way of avoiding dealing with something she wants to avoid - like our sitch, her mothers health, or the demands of her kids.
This morning, after not being able to get her attention away from her cell phone S6 hit Mrs. Thinker, causing her to blow up. After taking S6 to his room for a timeout and letting him know that hitting anyone, particularly his mom, is unacceptable for any reason, I quietly pulled my W aside.
I told her that basic politeness dictated that the person in front of you takes priority over a person on the phone, and when she get's on her phone and ignores those around her, as she does to me and the kids, it makes all of us feel unappreciated and devalued. She got angry about "the lecture", as she called it, but quickly calmed down (or at least swallowed her anger...). I also made it clear that in no way does this validate S6's behavior.
For too long I tried to ignore it (while internally seething) when she would accept or make a call and chat away in the middle of a meal or a family event, ignoring all around her and getting angry with anyone who dared to interrupt her. I know that she has lots of close friends and they are important to her, but this is being rude and inconsiderate.
A new N.U.T. for me - if something bothers me, I am going to bring it up.
Back to work now for me - I want to finish up early today and take the family out for lunch to get them out of the house and give Mrs. Thinker a break from both the kids and from her mom's house.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
A new N.U.T. for me - if something bothers me, I am going to bring it up.
great way to avoid anger and resentment. communication what a concept
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
great way to avoid anger and resentment. communication what a concept- which seems to be the core of most was issues.
Unfortunately we cant bring up everything that bothers us it would become pursuing and R talk so I guess we have to deal with some anger and resentment ...
I see you doing really well and really badly in the same post. This is bad:
Quote:
I have found myself getting angry at our sitch, and in WAS mode have found myself now looking at our whole R in a negative light and started thinking "She's never going to change, It'll never be good, so we should just end it now"
Great example of negative self-talk, one of the biggest obstacles to improving one's marriage.
This is good:
Quote:
Right now I need a good dose of patience and acceptance. We are spending time together. She is trying. We are going to Retrouvaille in 19 days. Yesterday she called me from the mall where she was looking at a potential replacement for her wedding ring. All good things.
Excellent recognition of the good things in your marriage. Keep your focus on this. And it's great that you are spending quality time with MIL even if wife is shirking her responsibilities.
And I believe that handled with tact and gentleness, your new N.U.T. is an excellent one. It is important to communicate and not bury problems under the rug.
My retro is in a couple of weeks. I am anxious and nervous. I hung out with the men from my deacon formation class the other night. The opening Mass for the semester is the Saturday I am at Retro. They are going to bring us up for prayer during the prayer of the faithful, so the entire seminary will be praying for us while we are at Retro. How great is that? Please pray for us, too. I will be praying for you.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I see you doing really well and really badly in the same post. This is bad:
Quote:
I have found myself getting angry at our sitch, and in WAS mode have found myself now looking at our whole R in a negative light and started thinking "She's never going to change, It'll never be good, so we should just end it now"
Great example of negative self-talk, one of the biggest obstacles to improving one's marriage.
Yep, bad. Sounds like WAS script doesn't it
That was really the point I was making in the post - noting the onset of the WAS-script like thoughts in myself.
It is easy to do. The more detached I have become, the less I hold tightly to the good things in the M, and the more apparent the bad things become.
Quote:
And I believe that handled with tact and gentleness, your new N.U.T. is an excellent one. It is important to communicate and not bury problems under the rug.
This really requires a mindset change. Until now, when my W would do something that stepped on one of my boundaries, I would react with flabbergasted exasperation - "How could she do that!?" This meant it was her character flaw that was the issue. Now I have realized that It is up to me to set the limits - and if I don't, and then if someone steps on me, then shame on me for not being clear in my expectations.
As far as having those discussions with tact and gentleness, I highly recommend "Crucial Communications" and "Crucial Confrontations" (Thanks Coach )
Last edited by Thinker; 08/28/0908:10 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
great way to avoid anger and resentment. communication what a concept- which seems to be the core of most was issues.
Unfortunately we cant bring up everything that bothers us it would become pursuing and R talk so I guess we have to deal with some anger and resentment ...
There is a BIG difference between an R discussion and a discussion to set or enforce a boundary or to improve the partnership.
In my own mind I coined the terms "Boundary Discussion" and "Partnership Discussion"
R discussions are pursuit - "Let's talk about us" - I have tried like He11 to avoid these.
Boundary discussions are short and direct, and are about a specific thing that the other person did (a specific incident, not "You always..."), combined with the impact and consequences. "You did X, which caused me to do Y or feel Z, If you do this again then..."
Partnership discussions are specifically designed to improve the way you work together in your current sitch - coordination, division of duties, etc. "Let's compare schedules to figure out who goes where this week." "Here's where we are vs our budget for this month"
Avoiding R discussions does not mean you should avoid Boundary or Partnership discussions. These other two are critical.
BIG NOTE: None of these discussions are for dealing with anger and resentment. You have to deal with those on your own.
Last edited by Thinker; 08/28/0908:26 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
My retro is in a couple of weeks. I am anxious and nervous. I hung out with the men from my deacon formation class the other night. The opening Mass for the semester is the Saturday I am at Retro. They are going to bring us up for prayer during the prayer of the faithful, so the entire seminary will be praying for us while we are at Retro. How great is that? Please pray for us, too. I will be praying for you.
Just a warning to back off a bit and not put too much expectations on the event. I believe it is a great program, but it isn't a silver bullet.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
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