WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[PMA_Baby!]

You just need to start working towards FORGIVING what she did for yourself not her.

Why the heck would I ever forgive her? For me or for her for whatever?

You've answered your own question. Why? Because you can't stop thinking about the her and the betrayal. I know exactly how you feel. Until you give it over to God and stop being the victim the longer you will suffer under HER CONTROL. When you FORGIVE and LET GO and LET GOD you move towards REALLY letting go. It's NOT going to happen for a long time. You will unfortunately deal with these feelings of betrayal for the rest of your life, but at some point you will STOP asking WHY? and just say "She obviously has a lot of issues to work on..." and get to a point where you feel bad for her in being so LOST. The sooner you try to get rid of the poison (resentment) out of your system the better.

I would avoid her at all cost right now. Just focus on the boys.

PMA

[MrBond]

Enjoy the time with them.

[confusedinpa]

I picked up the boys from school and camp. They were both very excited to see me. My 3 year old just kept saying daddy over and over again

We grabbed dinner at subways and went to my 7 year olds soccer game. He had a great game and scored 3 goals. Unfortunately, we lost 11 to 3. Their mother didn't show up for the game. I know it bothered the boys.

When we got back home I could see my 7 year old was still bothered about something. I thought it was about losing the game so badly but he said that mommy had been saying bad things about me. He said he was sad because he thought they were true but once he saw me he knew they weren't.

I reminded him that he could ask/talk about anything. He said he knew but didn't need to since he knew what she said wasn't true. I asked how he felt when he heard her. He said he was sad. I told him that he should tell he it was making him sad. He said he didn't want to because he didn't want her to be mean to him. It hurt me when I heard all that

I gave him a hug and told him that I loved him and was sorry he was sad. He just gave me another hug.

My 3 year old also said she said I was doing bad things. I asked if he wanted to ask/talk about it. He said no as he was mad she said it.

Now I'm really mad

She did call tonite. I didn't say anything and just let the boys talk. My 3 year old said he didn't want to talk to her. My7 year just said he wanted to bring the soccer pictures he just got home. She said he would bring them on Sun. He said that was all he wanted to say. She asked a few more questions that he answered but was anxious to get off the phone

I really need to get a hold of my lawyer

[MrBond]

cipa,

You need to confront your W. If not about the A, about your kids. She is seriously messing them up. You don't talk bad about her, she shouldn't use them against you.

She's going to totally mess up their thinking. How would you like it if she told them YOU cheated? Who knows? Maybe that's what she's doing.

Even before you found out about the A, we figured out that she didn't have the interests of the kids at hand. PROTECT YOUR KIDS!
They need YOU now more than ever. That's something you shouldn't tolerate and nip it right away.

[v1olin]

I agree with stuck. You should talk to your L right away and let your wife know that you are.

[theroadback]

FYI:

My spouse is telling the children negative things about me and our break up. What should I do? First, listen to your children's thoughts and feelings. Gently learn about how such information was obtained. Do not criticize the other spouse. Rather, if your child holds a misperception, correct the misperception factually without judgment.

Be realistic. Even parents within intact families make critical remarks of one another. Forgive and try to understand small transgressions. If possible, talk to your spouse about working together to protect your children from strife.

If the problem continues, your children will be harmed, so you must take action to protect them. Talk to your lawyer about options, mediation, a therapist, or even a court hearing that might provide needed relief. Judges generally have little tolerance for parents who say bad things to their children about the other parent because it is so very harmful for the children.

[spellfire]

I agree. Don't let this go on. I know you don't want to deal with her right now, but this is about your kids.

[confusedinpa]

I called my lawyer this morning. He suggested sending an email an he will call her lawyer to document the concern

This is what I was going to send

I am concerned when I picked up our boys last and they were upset that they were told that I was doing bad things. Our 7 year was sad when he heard that from you and our 3 year was mad. Our 7 year said he did not believe what you said was true but did not want to say anything to you as he was afraid you would be mean to him

Your acts of infidelity goes against the commitment we made I each other but I would expect that we would both honor the commitment to protect our children.

Any thoughts?

[MrBond]

It's very legal-ese. I would add to the bottom straight-up, leave the children out of our conlict.

[confusedinpa]

How about this then?

I was very hurt when I picked up our boys last and they were upset that they were told that I was doing bad things. Our 7 year was sad when he heard that from you and our 3 year was mad. Our 7 year said he did not believe what you said was true but did not want to say anything to you as he was afraid you would be mean to him

Your acts of infidelity goes against the commitment we made to each other. The damage that your infidelity has brought onto us and our boys is already done, I am asking you to please avoid adding to their pain and suffering. I will continue to live up to my promise to protect them to the best of my ability, I hope that you will be able to do the same.


BTW, I got a voice mail from her asking to talk. I expect that my lawyer called her lawyer expressing these concerns already. I sent her a text saying I couldn't talk as I was with the boys and asked her to send me an email letting me know what she wanted to talk about.