Quote: I need to learn how to "walk a straight line" and it's going to take some outside help. I'm convinced that I've got to find a counselor - and I'm still not very excited about it but I plan to do it nonetheless. I'll keep you posted.
Sooner: I wasn't very excited about finding a counselor, either. In fact, I was nervous and a bit scared. But after about 15 minutes with him, I lost my case of nerves and felt very much at east. I think it's a matter of finding the right 'fit.' Sometimes taking that first step and admitting you need help is the hardest. It was for me.
I wish you success in finding someone with whom you are comfortable. I hope that being able to open up to a 'disinterested' 3rd party will be as helpful to you as it has been for me.
Hi Sooner, First, let me thank you and the state of Oklahoma for sending your power company linemen to help out with the clean-up from Isabel! It was an Oklahoma crew that finally got our power back on for us this weekend! And the kids are back in school (yeah!) after over a week out.
Sorry to hear that there hasn't been progress with your situation. I don't think I really have any super new suggestions to offer. The thought that comes to mind is that your wife doesn't have to "work" at all to keep you, so to speak. You started, way back when ( ), with trying to do things which would alleviate her stress, do your share of the work, etc. You looked at yourself and worked on what you thought might make having sex with you more attractive to her. Not at all a bad place to start. But that didn't do it. Maybe she needs to feel some sort of challenge. Maybe she doesn't respond to easy.
I'm not saying you need to get mean and nasty. But don't work so hard to please her. Also, as long as you guys are still occasionally having talks and arguments about it, sex is still a part of her life. She still knows you're attracted to her. Perhaps she needs to experience the possibility of you NOT being attracted to her. Are there times when you're not attracted to her? How do you feel about her when she's yelling or throwing things?
Quote: I absolutely love attractive women and probably tend to drool over them worse than most guys, however I honestly don't want someone else - I just want my wife.
Does your wife ever see you looking at another woman? If she doesn't, perhaps she should. She might get angry about it, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Particularly if you just brush off her anger as so much "sound and fury signifying nothing."
In a past post you mentioned that pride might be an issue for your wife and you mentioned in this thread that she is stubborn. To me, that means you're not going to be able to use power plays to make her do something. She'll just dig her heels in more. So play to her pride instead. She needs to feel good about working on this. Right now you may have a situation where she feels if she does anything to fix this problem, she loses the game. Try thinking along those lines and see if it rings true that maybe it isn't about her not wanting to work on the problem, but rather her resisting a sense of having "lost" the argument. I don't have any specific suggestions right now about how to go about taking the "win/lose" out of the situation. But I think it might be worth thinking about.
Good to hear from you! On behalf of the State of Oklahoma, you're very welcome (although I personally had nothing to do with getting your power turned back on).
Thanks for the advice - I think that your ideas have some merit and I'm curious what others here think. I actually have slowed down a bit with regard to doing things for my wife, although I've continued to keep up with my responsibilities. But I may try slacking off even more so that maybe she'll start wanting the "more helpful Sooner" back and as a result put forth some effort. Also, I've never really shown so little interest in her that she could begin to doubt that I'm attracted to her - not for very long anyway. That might be worth a try - certainly couldn't hurt since nothing is happening anyway.
Quote: Are there times when you're not attracted to her? How do you feel about her when she's yelling or throwing things?
When she's yelling and throwing things I'm certainly not attracted to her, but otherwise I basically always find her attractive.
Quote: Does your wife ever see you looking at another woman?
Yeah, she's definitely caught me staring on occasions. But I try to keep it from being obvious. Maybe I'll quit trying so hard to hide my wandering eye. Maybe doing that in conjunction with not acting even the slightest bit interested in her will get her a bit worried.
Your observation about my wife's pride getting in the way is probably quite accurate. I know that she doesn't like to be wrong about anything - as an example, I very seldom get an apology out of her for anything, even when she knows that she was obviously to blame. If she were to start working on fixing our problems, she very well may feel that she'd be admitting she was wrong. Does anyone have any ideas how I could "play to her pride" or help her to feel good about working on our problems?
Great insight as always MPT. Hope you're doing well.
I have been following your thread for a very long time now and I see a lot of similar things with my W. What I have find that has helped a little is when talking about your sex life do it when there is nothing expected. That way there is no pressure. I found with me that I am wanting to make love so bad if I try and talk to her about it after she has rejected me then it will blow up into a fight.
I do understand from where you are coming from becuase I have had a lot of the same thoughts as you. That if this doesn't change then maybe a D is the way to go. Just remeber when you do have this conversation have a pre thought out plan of what you want to talk about that way you dont get side tracked.
When I checked my thread earlier today I somehow missed your post. Sorry about that! I appreciate your input concerning counseling. Not knowing anything about counseling or therapy, I can use all the information that I can get. Thank you.
Thanks for your input Lee. It definitely makes sense to bring up the sex talk when nothing is expected. A lot of our arguments have been right after I've gotten rejected - not really a deliberate attempt to talk to her, just a case of blowing up. I previously haven't wanted to bring up the subject when things are going well because I usually feel like she's slowly coming around and by bringing it up I'll wipe out any progress that I've made to that point. However, what I've been doing hasn't been working, so it's time to find some new ways to deal with the problem. Approaching my wife when things are going well, we're both in fairly good moods, and sex isn't a possibility might help our ability to communicate substantially. And being able to plan ahead instead of trying to remember all of my "points" in the middle of a blow up episode has got to be better. I wonder if I could use notecards - or maybe put together a PowerPoint presentation. Thanks for the suggestion.
Going back to your concerns about finding a counselor, one thing that helped us (although this was to help work with our one son) is that one of the universities in our area has a graduate program for marital and family counseling. As part of the program, they have senior grad students work with couples & families under the supervision of the professional faculty (one-way glass and/or video feed). The cost is much less because these are not yet "professionals" yet you can be confident that they are current and, if anything starts to go seriously bad, there is a fully qualified counselor there to offer suggestions or intervene. The video is completely confidential and is only used as a feedback/instructional tool for the student. Our experience was quite good. So, you might check out the Colleges & Universities in your area to see if any have a similar program. Beyond that, the only other long-distance suggestion I could make is that the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy has a Therapist Locator link that you could use to narrow the field. I hope things work out!
HERE is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin...sometimes he feels that there really is another way [of coming downstairs], if only he could stop bumping for a moment and think of it.
Thanks for the information. I've actually been looking for information on therapists tonight without much luck so the "therapist locator" link will probably be very helpful. I'll also do some checking into the universitys. Thanks.
I'm not being sarcastic, but you may want to try your yellow pages under 'psychologists.' That's how I found mine. There was a whole list of them. So I closed my eyes and stabbed at the page. The first one was someone who specialized in eating disorders so I did it again.
I found two that way; I did "eenie, meenie, minee, mo," between them, then called.
I know that doesn't sound very methodical or responsible. I wasn't trying to be cavalier about finding someone. But like you, I had no idea where to begin. So I came up with my own method. And it worked.
I think anyone you find who specialized in family and marital counseling will be good to start with. Once you are in it, you will be able to determine if you want to stay with them, or find another.
It was an Oklahoma crew that finally got our power back on for us this weekend! And the kids are back in school (yeah!) after over a week out.
), with trying to do things which would alleviate her stress, do your share of the work, etc. You looked at yourself and worked on what you thought might make having sex with you more attractive to her. Not at all a bad place to start. But that didn't do it. Maybe she needs to feel some sort of challenge. Maybe she doesn't respond to easy.
Thanks for the suggestion.