Replay takes a very long time, depending upon their issues. Some can be as short as 7 months and others 2-3 years. Just remember that the less you aggravate them, the sooner they will heal and move on into acceptance
We can handle our situations w/class and strength. They thought we would end up like them--confused, upset, in pain, etc. The happier you are, the worse that they will feel. I've seen this several times. In their sick little minds, they want us to be as miserable as they are, don't go there! A word of advice, never let your h see you upset or crying. They can't handle the guilt of such sightings.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thanks so much for your replies! Busy day yesterday-big gang of gfs and their kids(27 in all!) for late late lunch! A lot of work but all part of my GAL stuff for me. And I had a blast!
Didn`t get a chance to post though-and internet down this am so hence delay!
Really do appreciate your collective wisdom though! This is a lonely station and there are times when even my two real life confidantes(vbf and sister) just don`t get why I`m hanging on in here!
Went to my lawyer today and he said if I agreed to go to mediation I would be going under false pretences as I didn`t want to separate at this point.He said other useful stuff too and also that my marriage was dead, I should face the music etc.
I hadn`t been in the lawyer`s office since those dark days back in Dec when I had to go to court and both the secretary and lawyer were clearly amazed by how much better I looked.That was great feedback.
As you say Cat
"They thought we would end up like them--confused, upset, in pain, etc. The happier you are, the worse that they will feel"
that describes my H`s position now.
H even told me that it would be easier for him if I would be miserable so I`m pretty sure his acts f anger/upset/sadness/madness/threats to tell the children/demanding separation are all part of the same thing;ie make me jump to his command and be miserable.
H hanging around today so I can`t stay on too long! Will try to bounce over to a few posts now though.
What changed from yesterday when you were not ready to separate and today when you where? My IC gave me the exact same Letting Go talk at this stage, (topic, anyway!). Given such a short turn around in views, can you cool down 24hrs from your IC before making the appointment??
Right Strom a few things happened together that just led me to this space.
My battery died in my car. I thought for a moment. Then rang H. I think I`d have rung him anyway if we were separated as I`m hoping for a degree of amicablity.And I knew he was at home with the kids-not digging him out of work or leisure.
Well, he drove right up to my car and deliberately clashed with my bumper. Won`t say crashed-just tipped it. I didn`t pass any remarks but it hurt that he would do that;he is a much better driver than I and I know it`s deliberate.
He said nothing. I said thanks for coming. But nothing.Did the charge up thingy and said Try it now. That was it. And he left.
I hate his hate. I`m tired of being boppy Miss Happy Do It All all the time in the face of his anger.
I`d just been to see my lawyer. "You`re husband has more moods than Picasso""Its peculiar that a man wouldn`t want to seek intimacy with his wife in over a year." "Don`t pay now, I`ll settle up when you WHEN you`re in again" "It takes two to tango and your husband is out of the dance"
H has asked me twice have I rung mediators. He clearly wants out. More involved with the kids. More angry with me.
My therapist(who admittedly is separated) says I`m too controlling. Too dramatic. Too crazy.
And that H is done with the marriage. Its very cut and dried with men, she says. When they`re done they`re done.
My sister is glad I`m 'finally seeing the light"
My vbf says let him roll with the mediation all the way.
Making an appt with mediation is letting H take control and have things his way.
I need a break from his hate campaign.
I see the kids trying to get us together. "We should go to ____ on holidays next year" "Where are we all going for my birthday"
I hate the deceit;there will be no family celebration, there will be no family holiday. But I can`t tell them that yet.
I`m really tired today post therapy. I`ve lost my mojo.I feel blamed for everything by my therapist.And if its not me,well its my parents fault. And they`re a helluva lot less dysfunctional than H`s lot. Even though my therapist thinks his are actually better. Hmmmm, his father is an alcoholic wife batterer.
I rang the mediators office five times today but no one about so I just left a message for them to call.
You know, the big plus about this is that, if H is truly done, then he cant come after me anymore challenging me on why I did/didn`t do this or that. It all history now and there`s no point in going back. Just move on.
Calm down and breathe. I know it is a hard choice to make and right now it sounds like everyone is blaming you for everything. I am NOT saying you don't own some of it, but you don't own all of it. There are two people there and two people allowed this situation to be created.
I know it hurts when it seems/feels like your H doesn't care as much as you want him to. I also know that it sounds and looks bad, but I also know on more than one occasion of men being the one's to be done and also being the one's to want to come back. So never say never. Unless you are ready to be done. It may be the best thing for you. I totally understand why you want to be done with the anger and hatred. That is something that makes me want to get rid of my H on a weekly basis. Then there is other stuff.
I wish Mach were around with his wisdom, but he has been awol for a week now. You have a support system either way.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Feeling really tired this evening. But its a blessing that H has chosen this night to stay away-home tomorrow sometime though he didn`t say where he was going. Muttered something about business.
I left the three kids to assemble a dog kennel and now they`re watching a dvd together. So at least I got some valuable memory bank time for them for today. Dog not chosen yet but hopefully on its way soon!
Yeah, I`d be interested on Mach`s take on this. The male perspective.Are they really so cut and dried about decisions?
But I also feel that if H wants to go, and control has been one of his issues with me, I shouldn`t attempt to control his leaving by refusing to go to mediation.
Anyway, can`t do anything right now. Will just watch the dvd with the kids and have a good night`s sleep.
