How can WAS put themselves before their children?

[Dia]

I had another thought, and this time on the topic of WAS putting themselves first.

If any of you have the Mars/Venus book, it might be good to read the bits about 'resentment flu.' I know this was my experience, and I'm pretty sure I've heard it from other WAS around here too.

We spent so long putting everyone else in the family first and we felt like our efforts were taken for granted. We didn't see our spouse or our children thanking us, appreciating us or making an effort to put US first every now and then. We sacrificed sleep, careers, our own interests, our own time and a bajillion and a half of our own preferences.

Finally, even the little bitty stuff started to drive us absolutely crazy.

I like a good, dark roasted coffee but my H hates it so we always drank brown crayon water.

I like gumbo, salsa and other dishes to be spicy (!) but H and kidlet don't, so when I cook I make these things to their taste, not mine.

On movie night, we virtually always watched something that H or kidlet wanted. If I expressed a preference, I often got over-ruled.

Yes, those are so minor that they almost aren't worth mentioning. But if you're already in the place of resenting those things, you've suborned yourself for so long that it's big, it's bad, and it's the tip of the proverbial iceberg.

Here's the thing - the resentful WAS is *extremely* complicit in all of this. She/He needs to speak up civilly and proactively and not *allow* her family to walk all over her, take her for granted, etc.

Important note: THE WAS CANNOT SEE THIS AT THAT TIME!!

Other important note: It is highly likely that the WAS *has* been communicating these feelings. Perhaps not clearly, perhaps not in a positive fashion - but if you look, I'll bet they have.

And by and large, they did not feel heard.

So finally the WAS reaches a point where if nobody else is going to put them first or see to their own wants and needs, they're going to do it themselves. In a perfect world, they could do this positively, healthily and within the context of a loving and supportive marriage and family relationship.

But if the family hasn't been hearing them...

If the family has been getting grumpy with the WAS for expressing the feelings or blaming the WAS for having said feelings...

BOOM - they walk.