So think thru what is triggering the anger? Fatigue (all forms), expectations (resentment), score-keeping, valid righteous anger, boredom, not getting needs met, lack of communication, jealousy..... Find the cause and you can then handle it. Keep in mind that anger feeds other negative emotions. Find some compassion and get busy for yourself. Make a list of what you are grateful for if you get stumped. Do something nice for somebody else. Smile at strangers. Start converstions at the grocery store. Exercise. Make your kids laugh. Play with your dog. Limboland loves frustrated, bored and pensive LBSs. Wonder what they are doing over in Thrivingland?
As you can see, I'm moving into a new Anger Phase.
I got a little of that tonight too. Seems to be going around.
It really does. My W has not been doing anything differently than she has in the past months, but now I am pissed off about it.
So think thru what is triggering the anger? Fatigue (all forms), expectations (resentment), score-keeping, valid righteous anger, boredom, not getting needs met, lack of communication, jealousy..... Find the cause and you can then handle it. Keep in mind that anger feeds other negative emotions. Find some compassion and get busy for yourself. Make a list of what you are grateful for if you get stumped. Do something nice for somebody else. Smile at strangers. Start converstions at the grocery store. Exercise. Make your kids laugh. Play with your dog. Limboland loves frustrated, bored and pensive LBSs. Wonder what they are doing over in Thrivingland?
Cheers
Leave it to Coach to provide the antidote...
Last edited by AlexEN; 08/28/0903:52 PM.
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Anger is NOT a primary emotion. Usually it is caused by hurt OR fear which is expressed by anger, sort of a coping mechanism. I paid a lot of money to my C to get this into my head. And lately, I've been angry too. And I know what it is. It is hurt AND fear...
Anger is NOT a primary emotion. Usually it is caused by hurt OR fear which is expressed by anger, sort of a coping mechanism. I paid a lot of money to my C to get this into my head. And lately, I've been angry too. And I know what it is. It is hurt AND fear...
Kalni, great point, but I do not think mine is based on fear. Mine seems to stem from my W's failure to have any sense of urgency to "get to work" on your M. And, probably from a justified feeling that I am carrying ALL the load for the M right now - I know, I accepted that responsibility when I made the decision to try to save the M.
But, I don't feel or sense fear. If W came to me today and said it was over, I would not like it, but I know I would be ok.
I think my anger comes mostly from disappointment.
1. I was willing to do the work. She wasn't.
2. I dug deep to understand. She didn't.
3. I worked hard to find solutions to deal with my depression and ADD. Instead of giving support or learning to understand problem, W took advice from others and said she was intentionally ignoring problem and letting me deal with it. While I've heard of people taking this tough love approach with alcohol and drug problems, I feel it is completely inappropriate for mental illness.
I brought up my problems less with her and I think the last time I said anything about it was a simple mention months ago about what meds I was taking and who my pDoc was. I wanted one responsible local adult to know this info. I was met with hostility that I wasn't taking responsibility for my own actions.
Her "willpower" or "just snap out of it" arguments are incorrect and show lack of understanding and compassion. I've been dealing with this since age 15 (first major episode) and I will likely deal with it for the rest of my life. My older family members had issues. My kids will likely have issues. Youngest is already suspected ADD and having learning problems.
4. I tried. She didn't.
Last edited by orangedog; 08/28/0906:21 PM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Good luck with the marathon. What I found is the first 20 miles is all in the training. The last 6 is all mental. I just kept thinking "I didn't train my a$$ off this past year to stop now." And it became put one foot in front of the other for the next 60 minutes. Now that I think of it, it is the same discipline that is required in this DB'ing thing.
I would just keep putting one foot in front of the another until you get to the end.
That's the only way, the old Infantryman's mantra, pick 'em up, put 'em down. For me, the mental game is the hardest part in terms of the training. My so-called "best friend," He Who Talked Me Into This Mischigas, gets to run with his wife. I run alone. And even though I have the music pumping, whenever I find myself catching up to another runner I find myself instinctively pacing on her/him until (usually she) freaks out like I'm some kind of rapist. So that doesn't last long.... (Not that I blame them, the women I mean, it IS a dangerous world.)
Oh, I expect I'll finish, but it'll be finishing ugly. Still, "Whatever It Takes" (Coach Ditka, 8/89).
As to WAW.
Still processing. Why the anger? I think because of the simple disrespect. I tend to take these things fairly seriously -- "Oh, NOW you're interested?" Foreign Female Friend asked my on Skype today, "Do you feel married?" She's come to the place in her own D -- FFFH walked out and just didn't return after she'd picked up bag and baggage and moved halfway around the world to help him out -- where her answer is, "No."
And I thought about it, and my answer was, "No, I feel like a person who was married." The funny thing is that I wanted to say, "yes." But "yes" felt phony, and "no" felt....well, right.
And the other thing is, I'm not feeling any attraction to WAW anymore (as, for example, our friend and colleague @aliveandkicking still does from time-to-time with Monsoor) or, to be frank, even any real affection for her. I'm not sure I like her all that much -- I mean, she's a nice person, good at her job, generally good with the kids, but I don't think I'd be pursuing her if we were single, for example (i.e., with no prior history).
What I felt as recently as June seems to have waned -- I just don't see her as my mate anymore. Some of this is a function of the things she's said about me to others; some of it is a function of who she's become. She said to Fabulous MC#2 -- and another appointment is scheduled for Tuesday week -- that she wants to "get to know me again." I'm not sure I want to get to know her.
I'm actually at an equilibrium, now. It's not the one I would have picked, but it is one. And I'm more than a little bit leery of upsetting the apple cart.
She said to Fabulous MC#2 -- and another appointment is scheduled for Tuesday week -- that she wants to "get to know me again." I'm not sure I want to get to know her.
I view any nicety I get as an attempt to buy into the current sitch.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
