Cathy, Jiji, honeypot, and Corri - thank you all so much for your input and for showing me that you care. I usually try to respond individually to everyone who offers me support, so I apologize for lumping you all into one post. I still need to go run tonight so I can't spend too much time replying right now, but I wanted to make sure that you all know how much I appreciate you.
Cathy - you're right that I was trying not to initiate and to give my wife space. I've continued to do that for the most part, but I admit that I've been a bit more flirtatious lately. I've kept a pretty good handle on the frustration and bad feelings, though they do come to the surface occasionally. I've tried to put my energy into running and golf - both fairly new "hobbies". I'm dreading running tonight though.
I agree with you that I have to learn how to keep from being baited. I think I can go into a potential argument or rejection refusing to let it become an argument as long as I prepare myself mentally. Right now I don't know how to keep my wife from being able to shift the blame - but I'll be trying to figure that out. Any guidance that you or others can give me would be much appreciated.
Jiji - you're certainly right about the kids picking up on the tension and getting upset. This is a big concern of mine and I know that arguments which have carried over to times when the kids were around have upset my 5-year old before. That makes me feel terrible. The counselor suggestion is one that I feel like I've got to follow through with and I plan to start checking into them in hopes of finding the right one. I have tried the letter on a couple of occasions and thought that it would really help. It's definitely easier to "talk" to my wife when I can think out what I want to say. Once the argument gets going I tend to go blank. Unfortunately however, the letters that I've written didn't seem to do much good. With regard to becoming more assertive, I'm usually about the nicest person you could ever meet - which definitely hurts me at times when dealing with this issue. But when the argument gets going I become mean in a way that I never knew I could be. At that point, I'm definitely assertive, but that's probably not the kind of assertiveness that's going to help.
honeypot - I like your suggestion about giving my wife some advance warning concerning the sex talk. If we're ever going to be able to talk about this issue like adults, that may be the only way it will happen. I'm a bit worried that when I ask her to let me know when it's a good time to talk, that time will never come. But I guess that's where the assertiveness that Jiji mentioned could come in handy. Also, I agree that I should try to keep the conversation about our marriage and sex life. I've made the mistake before of bringing up the issues with her job in the middle of things which changes the whole discussion completely.
Corri - like you, I am a fixer. That's one reason that this whole thing is so frustrating - because it's the one thing that I can't seem to fix. Over the course of the summer I've basically learned how to hit a golf ball by reading about it, and I'm continuing to improve a lot with very little help from others. I've always felt like I could learn how to do anything on my own if I set my mind to it. But this situation is different. I need to learn how to "walk a straight line" and it's going to take some outside help. I'm convinced that I've got to find a counselor - and I'm still not very excited about it but I plan to do it nonetheless. I'll keep you posted.
By the way, I had a wonderful time today at the zoo with my girls. We stayed at the zoo all afternoon when they usually only last a couple of hours. It was the perfect way to clear my head and remind me of my priorities.
