riding the big roller coaster...

[hopeinwaiting]

Journal: remember that part of the book where it says that you may do your 180s and GAL and H might not notice.... Well, that's me right now. H doesn't seem to care at all where I am, who I'm with or what I'm doing. Doesn't ask, doesn't care. I got home last night around 8:00 (his night to pick up the kids with our new schedule). Unusual for me to go out mid week - didn't ask, didn't care. Did chat with me a little about his work day and some of the problems at work (funny how changing wife out doesn't make the world a better, brighter place). At any rate, I was a little distant and may have rushed him to leave a little. Kinda hard to be around him these days. I need to figure out a way to be both lovingly detached and still the "better" option to OW. Ugh, why should I have to compete with this woman (note, wrote fat pig, deleted it and wrote woman). At any rate, thought it would be good for me to face my fears so here goes:

Fear #1 being alone. Solution- make more single friends, spend more time with friends that I have and family.

Fear #2 Finances. Solution -realize that you live at the income you make. I was "poor" before, put H through college on one income, I can live at whatever income I bring in with or without him.

Fear #3 Lifestyle. Never wanted to have "step" families or deal with blended family issues. Solution - tough, get over it and realize that life is too short to worry about how love is shared between people.

Fear #4 Culture, I am 1/2 Mexican , H is 100% Mexican and I feel that without him we will miss out on part of our culture. Solution - Speak Spanish with girls every night and seek out Hispanic cultural events.

Fear #5 Dying alone ... I've always had a fear that I would die young, partly b/c my grandmother died at 58. Solution - Why worry about things that you have no control over.

Ok, that's it for now. H takes girls over night Saturday. Ha, he was mentioning to me that he was trying to come up with things to do but wasn't sure. I just nodded thinking (yeah, I do that every day buddy). He said he wasn't sure he wanted to take them to the pool, "you know, because it's just me". I couldn't help myself, I said. "Yep, I know, I do it all the time". Any rate. I'll keep DBing, if nothing else, for myself and my sanity.