Hiya Sooner, Yes I can relate to the type of fight you are referring to. It is impossible to get any real talking done, what with all the anger and blame-slinging.
Here is my latest suggestion: Give her some advance warning that you want to have a sex talk. Tell her, "I have some things I need to discuss with you about our sex life but I do NOT want it to escalate into a fight. I'm telling you now because I know that you will get angry, but I'd like for you to let me know when it is a good time to talk." Then back off and give her some space to think. She will most likely try to bait you into a fight right then, but do whatever you have to do--grab her by the arms and look her in the eyes and say "I'm not going to fight with you about this" or whatever.
Then...I'm not done yet......:)......when she is ready to talk to you, suggest that you both collaborate on what is an acceptable sex life for your marriage. That is: Is once a month acceptable to you both? No. For her to tell you that you just had sex a month ago is insulting to you and it completely disregards what YOUR needs are, in the matter. Anyway, try to cover as many areas as you can, in as calm a manner as you can muster. Frequency, time spent together, creativity, enthusiasm--whatever your issues are, try to cover them all while you have her attention!
I don't think that any LD spouse really believes that once a month is an acceptable amount of sex in a marriage. They might think that it is acceptable to THEM, but they know that they are neglecting their marriage. (yeah, I know I'm throwin out huge generalizations and I fully expect to get slammed for it, ha ha)
I also think that it is their greatest wish to keep the "secret" to themselves. She does not want you to know that she also agrees that once a month is not healthy for a marriage, because then she will be obligated to do something about it.
One more thing: Try to keep the conversation about your marriage and your sex life. The kids, her job, yes they are all legitimate factors in her lack of desire, but they don't ABSOLVE her from facing this problem head on. Even in light of the stress in her life, once a month is still neglectful, in my opinion!
I guess what I am saying is to FIND A WAY to have a sexual dialogue with her without it turning into a fight. My husband and I are successful with this about 75% of the time, which is a huge improvement over the past when we couldn't discuss it at all without an ensuing brawl. Let her know that you will be continuing to look for a way to talk about this without her getting mad.
Now, I am HD, let me throw that disclaimer out right now! So this advice goes directly against what your other tactics have been, namely to reduce the pressure etc, and it might not work. But I have taken the stance in my marriage that I am absolutely NOT going to allow my H to bury his head in the sand and act as if this problem doesn't exist. I am nice and kind and loving and quite resourceful in thinking of ways to deal with it--but "sit back and hope for the best" is not in my emotional vocab.
Good luck to you and try not to do TOO much for her today, lest she interpret that as you being "wrong" in your actions and now coming over to her side. She needs to take responsibility for her part in the breakdown.
