HELP!!! I need my DB brothers and sisters!

[missmyfriend]

Grace & ACJ
The boys have a Court of Honor at scouts tonight. I am hoping that my older son will go but I am concerned that he may end up dropping out of scouts while he is so close to getting his Eagle (he should have it done within the next 12 months). I would not be disappointed in him but I know that someday he would. Now that he is in high school and his interests have widened considerably, and he is living with his mom, I feel less empowered to help him with his decisions.

Both my D and my older S will be coming to the house Friday and Saturday (which was a nice surprise). I want to display the dad they have known and not one that is sad about the diminished time together.

And I completely understand that they are with their friends, school, etc more than their parents. I think that what was nice was seeing them for a few minutes in the morning before school and then kissing and hugging them goodnight when they got to bed. I was used to them being out with their friends and not this.

I do appreciate your pointing out the reality, ACJ. It helps to put things into perspective, instead of constantly looking at the circumstances that haunt me.

Stuck
Thank you, buddy. I appreciate that.

As I am having more and more moments where the "feeling" of loss is not overwhelming me, I begin to look at things I have been wanting to get done around the house. I am trying to get it organized with much of the stuff we don't need often, packed up. Also, I need to get the house in shape, painting, replacing the carpeting, repairing some outside cosmetic issues on the house and working on landscaping. I would prefer to sell the house and get something more easy to maintain.

If I can get myself moving in that direction, I think that would be beneficial to me and the kids.

[ACJ]

I would prefer to sell the house and get something more easy to maintain

I too have been contemplating this too. For the last 4yrs keeping the house has been on of my main foci. However a couple of weeks ago my mum told me that my elder D had confided in her that she hates coming home (she is at uni) as the house now holds so many bad memories for her. D19 has never told me this herself and I have to be honest and say I was shocked about this. So MMF buying somewhere new where you AND your kids can have a new start might actually be the missing piece of jigsaw that you are looking for.

[missmyfriend]

ACJ, not a bad idea if your D is having those types of feelings. She may end up spending more time with you if you have a different place.

My kids may feel better if I have a different place but my D and my younger S seem to be disappointed that I am considering selling the house. I know my D had mentioned at one time that she would like to have her wedding reception at our house. We just recently held a pretty nice 17th bday party for her in our backyard at her request.

I believe that it may be the best thing to sell it. There may be some subconscious reasons that they are not at the house because of painful memories.

[ACJ]

I believe that it may be the best thing to sell it.

If now is the time for you, especially given the situation with housing markets, then think of all the adventures you and the kids could have making it your home and not just a new house.

[missmyfriend]

Excellent point!

[missmyfriend]

I am constantly seeking ways to improve myself and to get to the point where I take my eyes off of myself and think about others. When I am successful, I feel better long term than I do for short term personal satisfaction of "getting even" or "setting things straight". I sincerely believe giving is better than receiving. And now I am trying to get to the point where I don't expect anything in return.

I know that is what my problem is with my children and, to some extent, my xw. Many people don't understand why I treat my xw as my wife, i.e. I still pray for her, I try to be gentle with her with my words and actions, show respect to her as my children's mother, and love her as the "love of my youth". To show kindness and respect to her is the opposite of what she would expect from me. I don't do it to aggravate her. In many ways, this is a 360 for me and a return to the way I was when she and I dated.

I came across some scripture in Micah where God has an issue with Israel. They are pretty much ignoring Him and He states His case against them providing support for the things that He has done for them such as liberating them from captivity in Egypt. When the people respond, they ask if He wants blood atonement, oil, their firstborn? And God's response was this (Micah 6:8)

"...He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God."

Humble? I thought I was but I realize that I'm not. I realize that I do things expecting a positive response and when I don't, I am sure I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am careful around my xw but I am sure my kids have seen it over and over again. I have to remind myself why I am showing love to my family. It is for them but it is also for God and myself. Giving without expecting something in return is a true gift otherwise I am really looking for a trade.

I will say that my kids do show me love. They just get wrapped up in life and being a teen that they think about themselves. I am dad, after all, and dad is a "rock" who will always be there.

The challenge is to keep reminding myself that my first ministry is to my family and, as many ministries go, can be very daunting but very rewarding if I don't lose faith and give up.

[missmyfriend]

I had a wonderful weekend with all three of my children. Since the boys slept in late, I had some nice one on one time with my D. We had a chance to talk a little about the "elephant in the room", specifically wanting her to come home about 50% of the time. She was uncomfortable even though I tried to explain that I simply miss her and it is good for both of us to spend more time together.

During our conversations, which included the possibility of my selling our house, she admitted that there is some pain for her associated with it. I appreciate her being honest with me since I know she was disappointed when she first heard me say that I was thinking of selling it. Originally, she wanted to have her wedding reception at our house (as I mentioned in an earlier post). Now I am wondering her pain doesn't add to the reasons why she moved to her moms in the first place and why she rarely comes back.

I think that my kids didn't want to get rid of the house (and the youngest still feels that way) because it is letting go of the last thing we had together as a family (including the W). I am not sure I would even want to live in the house with my W again anyway.

The biggest challenge is getting the finances and the effort together to work on the place to get it in selling shape.

I was great until the kids left again Sunday evening. I really don't like being a part time dad.

[K4D]

I'm going to read your thread tonight and then respond.

Kevin

[MrBond]

Have you done anything for yourself yet? You really need a distraction to get your mind off your kids. I know it feels like everything you have is being slowly taken away, but that's the reality of things right now.

Do you want to show your kids how sad and depressed you are? Of course not. Get out and do something. it could be just going out to get a cup of coffee at Starbucks by yourself when they are not there. Go out with a friend. Just something.

[ACJ]

I really don't like being a part time dad.

We know that and so do your kids. They are very torn at the moment (as are mine). Please don't make the same mistake I did and talk to them so often about shared care etc etc that they stay away even more. Believe me that's a worse feeling.

What do you not do for yourself now that you always used to before XW and kids came along? Find MMF again. For me it's a very emotional journey and one that at times I'm not enjoying BUT it's also something I have to do b/c I can't live my life through my children as it's driving them further away and STBXH no longer cares whether I live or die. Do I want to be lonely for ever? Hell no. Do I need to make the effort to make sure that doesn't happen? Hell yes. Do I actually have a choice . No I don't believe I do unless I just want to roll over and die - which I don't. So personal discovery is the only way forward for us both.