UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

[Eskimo Nell]

Isn't it funny how life turns on a dime. A few weeks back and I would have loved that it was Bank Holiday weekend - now I dread just a normal day .. too long and lonely. You must be doing so well (((JCJ))) to feel that you are looking forward to it and I am guessing that you will have lots planned!! Good on you.

Unfortunately, its not always to our credit as Brits that we are stiff upper lipped and try to protect other's feelings a bit too much rather than our cousins across the pond (and here in Aus) who seem to say what they think, regardless. We should be a bit more like that!

I think that Gucci was right too. I seem to have periods where it feels like I'm going dark (even though I am not) but then make up for it in having lots of reasons to contact H. There's no consistency. I have also used the weekdays for contact as I know that he will be at work and not out of town, or OW visiting. It kills me - even with the red stop sign. I never know if it's 'the weekend' or not - it seems to be every other with flights being involved and costly.

My thoughts tonight, in reading so many more posts in different forums, is that 'what if all of this is nonsense and H just plain doesn't love me, won't ever and has no intention of coming back'? He is a good person, warm hearted, genuine and sensitive and I have no reason to doubt that he is not telling the truth about what he wants for the rest of his life. Maybe he has figured this all out (which I believe to be true) and I am just not all that for him. Perhaps I should put my pride and dignity in my pocket and walk away as he has asked me to. His words were "Please let me go".

The other thought that I had was to ask him come babysit the cats for a week so that I can go home to the UK and get the ball rolling on a consentual D - giving him the freedom that he has asked for. Of course, we have spoken very briefly about this before and he says that he will not agree due to him being disadvantaged financially by the outcome but maybe this is my LR approach ... maybe I then say to him, "well, if that's not what you want, then I want you to agree to mediation and MC so that I can be as sure as you are that our M is over"

I don't have to tell you that it's not what I want but sometimes you have to realise that things are over - they just are and no matter what we do to convince ourselves, maybe we are just setting our hearts up for more pain.

Thoughts???