Sandi and GIMA: what should I do during the next 7-8 weeks while we wait for Retrovaille? I'm thinking about acting as if everything is working out. This takes the anxiety out of my day-to-day interactions with my W. Also, should I take her Retrovaille acceptance as a positive or is she just trying to lessen the guilt she has over this whole situation?
LFH,
Sorry I haven't found your thread sooner. I try to talk to all the people going to Retrouvaille. Yes, without a doubt, it is a good thing that she is willing to go to Retrouvaille. The most important thing between now and when you go to Retrouvaille is to not make things worse. You will not fix this yourselves without the help of the Retrouvaille leaders. That's just the way it is. You need to accept that. Just like if you needed brain surgery. You couldn't do it yourself.
I don't want to steal the thunder of Retrouvaille. They have so much to teach you. But one of the things they talk about is living as married-singles. You didn't get married to be single in the same house. You got married to enjoy doing things together. So my suggestion is that you increase, just by a little, the number of things you do together. Do you eat together? Do you watch some tv shows together? Do you go out together? Don't change everything. Just try to increase it a little. For example, watch one 1/2 hour tv show with her, once a week. Or take the kids and her out for ice cream one night. Not something huge. It is the little things that add up to happiness or unhappiness.
And the other thing is - be nice. Be polite. Say hello. Say goodbye when you leave. Say please. Say thank you. Little stuff. Notice when she does something that you appreciate. Did she wash and fold your laundry? Mention that you appreciate it. Treat her at least as well as you would treat a stranger.
Retrouvaille is a wonderful experience. Just being in the room where we hold our Retrouvaille sessions makes our marriage better. You will like it. I'm glad she is willing to go.
I'm thinking about acting as if everything is working out. This takes the anxiety out of my day-to-day interactions with my W. Also, should I take her Retrovaille acceptance as a positive or is she just trying to lessen the guilt she has over this whole situation?
I believe it is important for you to be relaxed during this time and if acting "as if" will do it for you, then I think that is the way to go. I know men have a problem with acting lovingly detached. They have a hard time understanding that concept and usually when they try to act detached....they merely act "cold" or rude and that is not what you need to do right now. A lot of guys tend to go too far the other direction when they are trying to be detached. I agree with what Sara has suggested. Act "as if" but watch that you don't pursue and I think that will the best path for now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm thinking about acting as if everything is working out. This takes the anxiety out of my day-to-day interactions with my W. Also, should I take her Retrovaille acceptance as a positive or is she just trying to lessen the guilt she has over this whole situation?
I believe it is important for you to be relaxed during this time and if acting "as if" will do it for you, then I think that is the way to go. I know men have a problem with acting lovingly detached. They have a hard time understanding that concept and usually when they try to act detached....they merely act "cold" or rude and that is not what you need to do right now. A lot of guys tend to go too far the other direction when they are trying to be detached. I agree with what Sara has suggested. Act "as if" but watch that you don't pursue and I think that will the best path for now.
Can't add any more than Sandi other than to say understanding detachment is sometimes difficult for some people. Try thinking of your W as an attractive co-worker. You aren't going to do anything with her (as long as you have a brain), but that doesn't mean you do not try to project an image of "confident pleasantness."
Hello Sara: Thanks for the information and support! I agree with you. I don’t want to make the situation worse. The fact that she agreed to this program is HUGE. Even if this is the “last resort” for us, at least we have one. The next 7 weeks are really going to try my patience…it always seems I’m running on empty in that department.
Currently, the W and I are not doing anything together. Just 3 weeks ago she wanted to work things out, so we started to do things like a family. This was short-lived and she’s back to being very cold and distant towards me. If I don’t initiate the “hello, good morning, good-bye, or good night”, it’s not said at all. Nevertheless, I’ll take your advice and be proactive in the “being nice and doing things together” category. I invited her to join me and the kids to visit Kennedy Space Center tomorrow. She hasn’t said anything yet…we’ll see.
I am praying that Retrovaille will open my wife’s heart towards me one last time. Our family members have always said that our problems were a result of bad communication. I agree with you in that we don’t possess the necessary “tools” for our relationship. I still love my wife very much and I do believe my wife still loves me and wants to be with me. Heck, she admitted it just 2 weeks ago. Right now she’s simply blocking out love with her hopelessness and pain. I pray that Retrovaille can remove these burdens from her so she can experience what God has planned for us and our family. I wonder if I’m expecting too much from Retrovaille based on all of the success stories, but HOPE is all I have left.
Hello Sandi and GIMA: As always, I look forward to your responses and suggestions. I think I now understand what “loving detachment” means. Please keep reading my stitch…I plan on using this BB as a sounding board over the next 7 weeks so I don’t do anything stupid to push my W any farther way.
Thanks Guys, LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
Although I haven't posted to your thread in the last day or so, I have been (and will continue to) following your thread. Just hang in there until Retro.
If there is any funny business going on, you can bring it up after Retro. Right now, focus on you and doing what you have to do to kep your mind right.
And, just keep your eyes open. Not EVERY sitch here involves an A - not saying your's does or does not. We have discussed this before, so I know you aren't turning a blind eye to the possibility.
I do agree that if there is someone else involved, that will have to be addressed.
If I don’t initiate the “hello, good morning, good-bye, or good night”, it’s not said at all.
Have you seen movies where a man would be walking briskly through a huge office area and speaking to everyone he'd pass? He has a very upbeat attitude with a big smile on his face. Have you noticed that he does not seem to slow down or look back to see if any of those people in the office even spoke back to him? That is how you must be with your W. If you hesitate to speak first or if you watch her to see if she is going to respond to you.....then you are letting her control the situation. Be like that man walking through the office and you be the one in control of your own mood, don't let her set it for you. This man does what he does b/c he is a great guy and everyone in that office sees him as being friendly and upbeat. If there is anyone there who is sulking or in a bad mood, he doesn't slow down long enough to notice. Get the point? M people tend to let their S dictate their moods.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
"Hanging in there" is all I can do right now, and I know I can do it. In regards to a potential OM...I don't think that's happening at all...for the time being it's not a concern. My W simply doesn't trust me yet and thus not willing to truly work on our relationship. My FIL told me this evening to just be patient...my W will eventually come around...be cool and enjoy the kids.
This evening was my son's first soccer game and I'm the team's head coach. We had a blast...we won 8-4. The in-laws came to watch also. I really do have great in-laws and they both want our marriage to succeed. I made it a point to smile throughout the whole match. My W was taking photos and I noticed she took several of me...she's observing my every move. Having fun with the kids was job #1 for me.
After the soccer match, my FIL and I went to Publix to pick-up something for dinner. I mentioned Retrouvaille to him and he responded with much hope. Good friends of his went to this program several years ago and it saved their marriage from the brink of divorce. He offered to watch the kids while we're at the program.
Sandi: I love your example of the office dude. I did that very same thing to my W this morning...it was great and I laughed about it as I was pulling out of the driveway. I love your suggestions.
I have alot of fun stuff planned for the weekend. Tomorrow the kids and I are going to the Kennedy Space Center (the W said no to my invitation...her loss). I'm golfing with my buddies Sunday morning.
I'm feeling really upbeat this evening...
-LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to focus on the kids. It does two things (at least). First, you and they need to be close. Not just close, but a real connection. I know that now.
Second, women love to see the father of their children playing with the children. Really having a good time.
Having something planned as much as you can will help a lot. Also, expect her to be moody and prepare yourself for the times she won't respond to anything and just keep that mentality of moving forward with being "you" and nothing is going to prevent you from enjoying life.....not even her. You be friendly to her like you would a neighbor or co-worker. Act as if she is somebody who came over to your house.....except you aren't going to entertain her, you're just being friendly.....and staying busy. Of course if there is a game to play or a funny movie to watch....she may decide to join in but your part is to act "fine" if she does or if she doesn't. You are going to enjoy it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The kids and I had a great time at the Kennedy Space Center today. When we came home, my W prepared a nice dinner for all of us. I offered "is there anything I can do to help with dinner", but she declined. I offered to do the dishes, but she declined. I politely thanked her for dinner and went about my business with the kids.
It appears that my W is changing her phone ringtone to Johnny Nash's 1973 hit "I Can See Clearly Now". She also spent the day pressure-washing the back patio and vaccuuming around the house. I didn't thank her for her efforts b/c she said this morning that she was going to do these things for herself. I just don't get her.
Oh well, there's nothing I can do about such things so I'll let it all go and not bother me. It wouldn't surprise me if my W files for divorce this week and never goes to Retrouvaille. Again, it's not in my control so I won't worry about it. She's just acting wierd this evening.
-LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
