UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

[Eskimo Nell]

You are right on not respecting myself - I am working on those issues with my counsellor - and yes, it has always been all about him as far as I am concerned. H thinks that it's always been all about me however and life pre-MLC indeed evidenced that. It's why his alien behaviour is now so difficult to swallow and the fact that he has totally re-written our history and how he felt about me is so numbing.

I guess that I have never thought of my life being in his hands that way but have allowed that to happen through the partnership that M is.

Evidently, it would be good to take the gun away but how best to do that, other than what I am trying to do in DB techniques - I have no control over him or OW ...?

I called him on the 'fall back plan' and he says no, even if it all fizzles out with OW, he still won't be coming back to me - he's done, R dead, M over. He's adamant.

I do have to work more on detaching ... I am too available to him. He also knows that he is pushing my boundaries though as he has seen how I take things, bottle them and then, when I finally explode, I cut people off without even thinking about it. He knows that he runs that risk but I'm sure that he doesn't even care about that and feels that it would be a bonus for him.

[gucci loafer]

He saw a really 'together' me and one who only needed a small amount of assistance. Do you really think that he will be questioning?

I don't think he will. I saw pursuing and chasing on your part.
He knew it and felt it too.... What I believe he felt was a woman that was pursuing him and trying to act all happy and bubbly as part of the plan...

I just said that I hoped the weather would be nice for him.

I was so upbeat, smily and attentive to his conversation.

It seemed to warm him and I asked if I could fix him some dinner.

You had already asked him to eat dinner BEFORE he came over and he told you no. That makes two dinner invites. That is PURSUIT.

I joked with him that I was still waiting on my invite to his unit for coffee and he said that yes, I would be waiting a long time for that one!

I think you were secretly testing him. This is PURSUIT. A man can feel it when a woman is pursuing like this.

I asked him if he was happy

You said it felt "appropriate". I disagree. It is NOT appropriate in your situation. What could you possibly GAIN by this question? It isn't worth the risk to ask somone if they are happy when they have LEFT you.

as I was unable to go out and post his Fathers Day card today (yes, I decided that I woul send it!) I slipped it in to a box that he was taking - along with a packet of Beef Hula Hoops that he loves so much! I put the porch lights on and I prepared for a good parting.

You are CHASING him and pursuing him. Through most of this time together you have been pursuing and yet trying to get him to think you were just a happy woman with no worries. He didn't see the happy as much as he felt that you were still after him.

I stayed out by the door and waved as he drove away. I smiled the whole time - though if he could see me in the dark, I'm not sure

There it is again. It is a given when a woman really likes you that she stands at the door and smiles and waves at you as you drive away.


There are more examples, but I hope you see my point. I think you are making a mistake on trying to be all happy and bubbly and yet still give him huge signs of pursuit and chasing. It is normally a turnoff to a man when he is rejecting a woman by leaving her and she keeps trying to win his attention and love. IT is ok to be happy, but it works better to act happy as if you are glad TOO that he is gone. Happy too that you realized that you don't have to be with a man who will have a blantant affair on you and that you have had an awakening and realized that you are happy BECAUSE you deserve better from a man.

That's my take. I think that he will continue to cake eat until you change direction. Trying to win him from her is a classic mistake many women make. It only serves to boost his ego to have not one BUT two women fighting for him.

I think it is a far better plan to let him WONDER IF he has lost YOU because of his behavior. That has been my observation from the successful reconcilations on this site for the most part.

[Eskimo Nell]

Oh WOW - that's me told ... so, I have been doing all the wrong things.

Please tell me, if you can, what should I now do ... ??? Do I 'go dark' ... ?

[Eskimo Nell]

You have opened my eyes a bit Gucci ... it's like a big awakening. When he kept threatening me a few weeks back, I retaliated and said that I had taken more than enough and would start the ball rolling on a consentual D, back in the UK. Here in Oz it's 'no fault' (which I don't consider he deserves) after just one year.

He was incensed and refused to consent as he would be 'disadvantaged financially' - so what, I say? What about my disadvantages right now??

Thoughts?? Do I bring this up with him again or is that a Last Resort which could backfire on me??

[gucci loafer]

Please tell me, if you can, what should I now do ... ??? Do I 'go dark' ... ?

First thing is to STOP ANY AND ALL PURSUIT.

Does that mean you can't talk to him?
No, it doesn't.

Take a step back here and regroup.
You seem a little weak emotionally right now, but you just have to understand the way the male ego works. I would recommend that you NOT contact him in any way shape or form and let him make the next move. You will have to be determined to wait him out this time. (Just wait him out THIS TIME)

It may take all you have to wait him out because he knows (as well as I do) that you are waiting for him to come running back to you. He has TWO women that are fighting for him. He secretly thinks he is all that. "TWO WOMEN after little old boring me"? I MUST be all that.


Regroup. Vow not to make the same mistake again. Backslide slowly destroy your chances. Many people will tell you not to beat yourself up over it. It may be wise to beat yourself up for a little here so that you know and realize WHY you can't keep doing it. People will keep telling you over and over not to worry about it and don't beat yourself up, while all along you are destroying the last glimmers of hope.

"Absence is to love that wind is to fire. It blows out the weak and kindles the strong.

I would leave him alone for awhile and let him make the next move by contacting you. Don't try to do everything at once here. Let's just get you to stop pursuing for NOW.

[Eskimo Nell]

THANK YOU Gucci - I think that you have given me wise advice and I hope that you pop by again to see my progress.

Today is Day One. I will NOT contact him. Without pursuing, he is going to have to contact me at some point - stands to reason. When he does, I shall just show the side of me that is stronger and has run out of patience with his dalliance.

If there are things domestic that he needs to know about, do I just email them with no explanation or dialogue i.e. copy of bills etc? (As you will have gathered, I have no income right now).

Your intuition is right - I am very weak emotionally as a norm, but even more so right now in the situation that he has created for us. The way he sees it though is he is NOT having an A as he ended our M before he accepted the persual of the OW. My M vows say differently.

[Eskimo Nell]

I'm reflecting on Gucci's words and I realise that my DB'ing is not wrong but that I had just missed out that one crucial element BEFORE I can start working on everything else. I need for him to see that I am not dying here without him; I am no doormat, waiting by the door when it pleases him to show up. What I do need is to show him that I will not tolerate the situation as is and, whilst I am prepared to be civil, I will NOT pursue him and/or stroke his increasing ego!

If I allow myself to be a sap, why would he ever respect me and WANT to return? He has to see the strong me that he has seen in the past ... but now the shoe is on the other foot and HE will be getting some of which he has hidden behind for all of these years. I will protect him no longer ... perhaps we will now see his true feelings and if not, what am I losing?? Companionship and security maybe, but if he has no love for me, why would I waste my time with a man who feels that way?

Thank you Gucci ... your wisdom has completed the picture for me. I know that everyone has been giving me good advice here but I think that this closes the gap in which I found myself falling through.

[MrBond]

good for you.

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks Stuck! Just reading some sample chapters from Michele's books. I'm interested in the Solution-orientated stuff that I now need to embrace.

Have decided for myself today that I will not leave the house in the morning until I have worked out on our treadmill ... I can't afford (and have no interest) in going to the gym but pounding the treadmill will be good for ME and when H next tells me that he wants to take it to his new place, I can say "no, sorry but I use it every day now" Shame I missed that opportunity the other evening when he mentioned it in passing! Perhaps it would be a good 180 for him to actually come in and find me on the treadmill, when he next comes to our home - whenever that will be ...

He did ask me if I had been out on my bike - he saw my helmet and gloves and I said that yes, I had. That's something that we were going to do together previously and just never got around to it ...

So, for my solutions ... where do I start apart from going grey (that's semi-black)!!

[Eskimo Nell]

Something that I have just read on someone's post has made me wonder ...

H has made no secret of the fact that there is something missing from his life right now and he continues to make me believe that it is because OW lives interstate (or that it is impractical for them to co-habit???) - meaning that he can't spend as much time as he would like with the tramp. She has kids too, which has to be another significant issue for H - he was the one that was so adamant that we wouldn't have any (I didn't care either way). He never tells me anything about it but it's just stuff that I am picking up on - I don't know if I am right or maybe miles off the mark. What I do know is that the past twice I have seen him, he has told me that he is in a "pissy mood".

If next time, and I am sure there will be, he tells me he is a bit fed up of things right now (which he will, I'm sure) do I respond and say "well, I'm sorry that you are feeling this way and your life is not working out as you wanted it to, but it was your decision. WE didn't have those issues but now I guess that you are forced to deal with the life that you have chosen". Is that the way to go in showing him that I am detaching or are those words dismissive and even passive-agressive??

I might add that he has only ever met OW 5 times although has known her in a business sense (email and phone) for past 18 months/3 years but can't work out which is right as H has told me both in the past!