Really bad, Hoosier. My parents came over to help me pick out a flower arrangement and we viewed the website of the funeral home where her services will be. They had her obituary there and it was very hard to read. I still don't think of her as gone, but seeing it in print sinks that knife a little deeper.
Selfishly, I got a little broken up when I read the list of survivors which included her boyfriend. That was a tough read because I dated and was married to her for 4.5 years whilst he dated her for less than a year. Knowing the burial is private, and I'm pretty sure I am not welcome there since I am no longer family, it's hard to think of being seen as just another friend. I feel like so much more, especially since I spent considerable amount of intimate time with her (more than the BF), but because I was not current, I'm left behind to grieve by myself.
I'm dealing with those thoughts now, and I realize how selfish they are and feel guilty for thinking of myself in this occasion. I almost feel I am mourning her more than most
You're not selfish, you're speaking the truth. And I imagine for a long time you will be mourning her more than most. Perhaps her parents too, but certainly more than others.
It just sucks. Major.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
