Once I was lost, but now I'm....still lost?

[upside_downer]

How are you doing tonite, ud?

Really bad, Hoosier. My parents came over to help me pick out a flower arrangement and we viewed the website of the funeral home where her services will be. They had her obituary there and it was very hard to read. I still don't think of her as gone, but seeing it in print sinks that knife a little deeper.

Selfishly, I got a little broken up when I read the list of survivors which included her boyfriend. That was a tough read because I dated and was married to her for 4.5 years whilst he dated her for less than a year. Knowing the burial is private, and I'm pretty sure I am not welcome there since I am no longer family, it's hard to think of being seen as just another friend. I feel like so much more, especially since I spent considerable amount of intimate time with her (more than the BF), but because I was not current, I'm left behind to grieve by myself.

I'm dealing with those thoughts now, and I realize how selfish they are and feel guilty for thinking of myself in this occasion. I almost feel I am mourning her more than most