You guys are awesome! I appreciate your analysis so much. I am a slow processor of information and have for the most part in my life needed to step back and look at things before making the next move. Whatever this "is" is no exception and on top of that my vision is clouded with love, pity and disbelief.
However, I am finally starting to process, with your help, these behaviors and what you each have experienced to understand what I am up against. There seems to be absolutely nothing more I can do for us so I really put my efforts into GAL'ing this week. I have been out twice this week and last night when I came home I can honestly say I genuinely had fun (couple glasses of wine helps). When I got home H immediately mentioned you look like you had a good time and I replied, yes I did. I could tell H wanted to feed off my happiness and was trying in his own way to make me laugh, etc. For the first time though I really did not want to interact with H and just really wanted to get ready for bed and think about how nice the evening had gone. It just reinforces the lesson of being upbeat and not letting them see you cry, unhappy. For once H had no control over my emotions and it must have showed.
Today, H brought up Gov. Sanford again, as he was asked to resign by the Lieutenant Governor and refused. H had read about Gov. Sanford's wife how smart and capable she is; and, H started to wonder why these high profile women, Hillary Clinton, Silda Spitzer, Jenny Sanford, Elizabeth Edwards, etc. would stand by their man. I really did not want to go there, but I stated matter of fact maybe they wanted their marriages to survive, maybe they had the capacity to forgive or maybe they were overachievers themselves and did not want to fail at marriage. I started to think, bingo, maybe I don't want to let go not just because of love but because of feeling like I failed. I did ask H though why he thought these guys did not do the right thing and divorce before the affair and why they did not D their wives? I told him I thought even though they cheated they still want stability, love, and companionship. They want to fool around and ask for forgiveness later. I could be totally wrong but it did strike me as odd H initiated this conversation.
It is close to another week of no D talk and I was sure something would come up as he had set his next deadline or leaving at the end of September. No D talk. We even went out to dinner the other night and it was nice, even laughed a couple of times. This whole thing just gets creepier and creepier and these last couple of days I am starting to feel that I perhaps may start detaching from him as it has just gone on too long.
I really feel it in my gut that there is an OW in Montreal; however, I don't think it is cut and dried - I feel as though OW might not be totally free, even though she may be a free spirit. Could be completely wrong on that issue altogether but you both are correct there has got to be an OW or this drive in H to go could not be so strong.
I also agree that it would be good to be alone right now, but it won't happen on my terms of a small break from each other. H is adamant he wants to go and H is adamant that he wants to D before he goes. I already know H is lazy but I am starting to wonder if he is making excuses and doesn't want to give up control over me. I also wonder deep down inside if this wild/crazy/passionate affair is something H knows is just a fad and he would eventually regret leaving the love/stability/companionship?
So many questions, not enough answers but discussing these issues with both of you is so helpful.
My next hump is the weekend, I am drawn to stick around with H and know that will bring chaos and hurt; however, I just cannot seem to make other plans to avoid this cycle. Why? I can prevent this and I am going to try and dig deep to leave for the whole day with very little information of where I am going.
Any more thoughts or analysis are welcome. I was also trying to keep my mouth shut by writing H a letter. If I actually complete would it be okay to give him. At this point I know no R talk is going to result in anything positive, but in some ways I just feel I need to put everything down I am thinking so he can read and process alone without interruption or the subject being changed. Thoughts?
Thanks again girls, Michele
M 42 H 41 M 16 years Together 22 years No kids Bomb 5/16/09 D papers half complete but unsigned H set date at end of Sept. to leave
