In Limbo

[Jimbo]

I wasn't necessarily brought up that way to hide the emotions. Just over time, I guess I learned to sequester them.

Sequestering them is okay- suppressing them is not. You've got to be able to have a place and time to let it all out, no holds barred. And the more often, the better. I won't bore you with the scientific studies, but it rebalances all sorts of hormone levels, and just flat out helps you to cope more effectively.

As a sidebar- something else that helps A LOT is to work out regularly. If you haven't already, get active on a regular basis. (Join a gym.) I can't begin to tell you the world of difference this made in lifting my attitudes and balancing out my emotions. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!

I am starting to understand more that in her mind she was trying to pretend and please everyone her whole life. So whether I was super husband or not, this was bound to happen sometime.

It's always an important breakthrough when you finally realize for yourself that, no mater what you did or did not do, no matter whether you were in her life or not, She would STILL be going through this!

It's all about her personal development in her past that she has to confront and deal with.

I just wish there were more signs along the way. I do get we never really developed a good method of communication between us either. Otherwise, I would have had a better idea of what she was thinking.

Two points here, D1:

1) "I do get we never really developed a good method of communication between us either."

Communication is (or should be) a two-way street. You were both doing the best you could with the skills you had at the time. That being said, my W and I had excellent communication skills. We always discussed things in a thorough manner, and respected each others viewpoints. And you know what?

Her MLC still happened.


2) "Otherwise, I would have had a better idea of what she was thinking."

And you know what?

Her MLC would have still happened.

(Are you beginning to notice a pattern here?... )

I do continue to buy into the rewrite. I do let it effect me. You sometimes think were we living a lie this whole time. Why would she have wanted a fourth child with me if she was feeling this way...

I think you have answered your own question here....

I can tell that I am still trying the quick fixes. Not necessarily to change things right now. But to just get her to think that trying at a certain point may be worth while.

Try to look at what you are doing here through her eyes.

Can you see how she might construe your actions as pressuring?

If you pressure her, she will distance even further- guaranteed.

I know that is something that I can't do anymore. It just bugs the hell out of me that she can just go on and act like nothing is wrong day in and day out. I am always the one that seems to be having a hard time getting through this emotionally.

If I had my guess....you're stressing out over the fact that you can't get a reaction out of her, yes?

Stop. Let her be.

You know this isn't about you.

You know you can't control her.

The only things you have control over are you and your own actions.

Focus on what you have control over.

You.

Work on being a better you.

I did read some of your thread yesterday Jimbo. Not sure if this is something you want to answer. What is the status of your relationship? Did your wife ever come back? Did you divorce? Are you still in limbo?

It looks like around month 6 is when you started to really get how to handle things with your W.

Thanks.

I have no problem with answering any questions you might have for me, D1.

What is the status of my relationship? I was informed by my L yesterday that my W's L has requested a hearing rather than arranging for a court appearance, and at this rate that my D will be final before the end of next month.

That being said- here is something for you to keep in mind: Just because my W has chosen this path doesn't necessarily mean that all hope is lost. Sometimes the MLC spouse must go this route. Sometimes they must do EVERYTHING they possibly can to "get away", not realizing just yet that they are really trying to run away from themselves. And I think we all know how well that works.

I know for a fact that my W has an OM. Last I heard, she has every intention of marrying him once our D is final.

Having done my homework, I know that the OM is a band-aid. She doesn't know what is wrong- to quote her, "I don't know what I want, but I don't want this." (Presumably meaning our M.)....she doesn't know what she wants, yet she is remarrying despite the fact that she knows she doesn't want to be married?????

Why?

She is hooked on the feelings of love. Hooked on them because those feelings help her to forget about the problems festering away in the background that she doesn't know how to fix- the problems she would have to confront if he weren't there.

So what happens after several years (maybe much less!) when the honeymoon is over and the romance fades, and the business of real living starts to kick in?

She still hasn't dealt with her issues.

And she's right back where she started. Again. (But hopefully wiser. If not, she'll repeat the cycle again with someone else.)

This is why the accumulation of the good memories is so important....

Eventually, when they start to "get it", they think back.....

And they remember all the good times.

And, with any luck...

they overcome their pride, embarrassment, and any other self-imposed obstacles....

and they come back.

Wiser. Stronger. Better for the experience.

In the meantime, I don't just sit around moping, feeling sorry for myself, or pining for what once was.

I WORK ON MYSELF.

I make me the best me I can be.

So that, if the day comes that she should want to turn those "impromptu" 2-hour conversations into something more....

....into a REAL R......

....I'll be ready too.