Ok if you read my sitch...i have to have a strategy to get a grip on this thing.
My w just called to ask me if it is ok if her friend takes her out for a birthday drink tonight (friend is guy and gay). now this is after she was out till midnight on Monday.
I told her that i had to work late tonight and she had to get the kids...but its a situation we have to chat about and come to an agreement because its causing stress.
she asked me why its a big deal i told her
1. we have a 4 and 1 year old it takes work 2. i cant be seen as the built in babysitter 3. it makes me question if she wants to spend time with me and the kids.
she denied 2 and 3...i am finding it so difficult to speak to my wife i think most things are so contentious right now..everything used to work and now very little does work.
Meanwhile we have a family picnic on Sunday...im bringing the kids and she isnt going bec she doesnt want to go
TR Rose T-10 M-6 H-39- W-36- S-4 D-1 Bomb 4/09 Blow up 8/09 1st thread 2nd thread 3rd thread
your sitch seems to be unique in that you were thinking about becoming a WAW but your H became the WAH first and now you are the LBS?
It is unique in some ways but similar in others.
I was a WAW who would never leave. Even when I suggested we separate (out of desperation) he said "but I love you..." and he left a month later.
Somewhere in there, I was reaching out to him clearly expressing that I could feel our marriage ending and I wanted to come back together but that I felt I was in purgatory.
I see our sitch as similar to many here because we stayed in limbo for so long and we both felt left in a way. H says that I killed our marriage. I look back and see where I was trying and other times he was and we just kept missing each other. Like how you tell a kid to stay in one place if they're lost so they can find you...I was looking for him and he was looking for me but we weren't finding each other...make sense?
It is so sad BUT, there is so much more to it and I have always been loyal to him and clear that our marriage is important. I regret that in frustration I would say "I can't take it anymore" or "I can't stand you" or things of that nature...but I know that I was suffering and in a sad fog and he had a lot to do with it.
Anyhoo, sorry for going off...I just think that while we all have our unique situations, there is a commonality to most and so much we can learn here from each other.
It is so sad BUT, there is so much more to it and I have always been loyal to him and clear that our marriage is important. I regret that in frustration I would say "I can't take it anymore" or "I can't stand you" or things of that nature...but I know that I was suffering and in a sad fog and he had a lot to do with it.
I see you as a cerebral perfectionist so im sure you have given yourself some grief but we are all human. I have a friend who told me “Every time we open our mouths, pearls don’t necessarily fall out.” I think that this true.
With relationships I have found that when they are good, you forgive the little stuff and give benefits of the doubt. When relationships are bad any little slip up and it’s a three alarm fire
Forgive me for saying this (please!)but your H, while he seems like a fun guy to have a beer with seems a little immature with more hangups than the average bear...is he jewish? (just curious) He does seem self centered and the mother thing seems a little off
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H says that I killed our marriage
always takes two. has he ever acknowledged what role he played in all of this?
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Anyhoo, sorry for going off
Please! this is the forum and you have been so helpful to me. I hope to return the favor
TR Rose T-10 M-6 H-39- W-36- S-4 D-1 Bomb 4/09 Blow up 8/09 1st thread 2nd thread 3rd thread
LOL! Jewish, yes. Mommy issues, big time. But those two come hand in hand in my experience.
Me, a "cerebral perfectionist," very clever way of saying neurotic, but yes.
He recently FINALLY owned up to his specific faults but he is sooo precious about them...you know? "Yes, I did x and y. That's how I am."
It is a shame to have soooo much information and not put it to good use for the benefit of our family.
But, love, especially with a guy who is absolutely driven by feelings and impulses and ego, is not a cerebral exercise.
And that, I believe is where freedom lies here in our sitches, that no amount of dissecting or planning or cajoling will guarantee a certain outcome. So, we get our heads screwed on straight, get our wants, needs and values in alignment and then operate from that place. Hopefully the other person persons up and if they don't onward and upwards.
