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-Science Class-

Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class:
"Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way.
"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously: "Sir, how dare you ask such a question?" she says". I'm going to complain to my parents,who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, butundaunted. He asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
"Yes, Sam?" says Mr. Sampson.
"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."


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And that’s when the fight started......





My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while

we were

in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she

answered.



I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look

at me

this time, simply saying "Yes."



So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."



And that's when the fight started....





************************************************************************



I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"



It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.



So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"



And that's when the fight started....





***********************************************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,

grabbed

the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.



I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out

into a

torrential downpour.



The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,

turned on

the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.



I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back

into

bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different

anticipation, and

whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'



My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid

husband

is out fishing in that?'



And then the fight started ...





***********************************************************************

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.



Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from

outside.



The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the

man

'Holy cow. That must be my husband!'



So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out

the

window.

He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and

to his

car as fast as he could go.



A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and

screamed

at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'



The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'



And then the fight started.....





************************************************************************



I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for

$14.95.



Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.



I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the

cold

cream.



And then the fight started....





***********************************************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I

feel

horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me

a

compliment.'



The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's dang near perfect.'



And then the fight started.....







************************************************************************



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,

took my order first.



"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."



He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""



Nah, she can order for herself."



And then the fight started...







************************************************************************



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,

and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat

alone at a nearby table.



My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'



'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took

to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I

hear she hasn't been sober since.'



'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?'



And then the fight started...





***********************************************************************



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply

for Social Security .

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to

verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at

home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go

home and

come back later.



The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt

revealing my

curly silver hair.



She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for

me' and

she processed my Social Security application.



When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at

the

Social Security office.



She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have

gotten

disability, too.'



And then the fight started....





***********************************************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her

someplace

expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.



And then the fight started...





************************************************************************



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary.



She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in

about 3 seconds.'



I bought her a scale.



And then the fight started.....





************************************************************************



My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping

channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'



I said, 'Dust.'



And then the fight started...


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cire2 Offline OP
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Subject: Plant A Seed


A successful business man was growing old and knew it was time to choose a
successor to take over the business.

Instead of choosing one of his Directors or his children, he decided to do
something different. He called all the young executives in his company together.

He said, 'It is time for me to step down and choose the next CEO.
I have decided to choose one of you. 'The young executives were
Shocked, but the boss continued. 'I am going to give each one
of you a SEED today - one very special SEED. I want you to plant
the seed, water it, and come back here one year from today with
what you have grown from the seed I have given you. I will then
judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will be the next CEO.'

One man, named Jim, was there that day and he, like the others,
received a seed. He went home and excitedly, told his wife the
story. She helped him get a pot, soil and compost and he planted
the seed. Everyday, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After
about three weeks, some of the other executives began to talk about their seeds
and the plants that were beginning to grow.

Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew.

Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, still nothing.

By now, others were talking about their plants, but Jim didn't have a plant and he
felt like a failure.

Six months went by -- still nothing in Jim's pot. He just knew he
had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but
he had nothing. Jim didn't say anything to his colleagues, however. He just kept
watering and fertilizing the soil - He so wanted the seed to grow.

A year finally went by and all the young executives of the company brought their
plants to the CEO for inspection.

Jim told his wife that he wasn't going to take an empty pot.
But she asked him to be honest about what happened. Jim felt sick
to his stomach, it was going to be the most embarrassing moment
of his life, but he knew his wife was right. He took his empty pot to the board
room. When Jim arrived, he was amazed at the variety
of plants grown by the other executives. They were beautiful -- in all shapes and
sizes. Jim put his empty pot on the floor and
many of his colleagues laughed, a few felt sorry for him!

When the CEO arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted his young executives.

Jim just tried to hide in the back. 'My, what great plants, trees,
and flowers you have grown,' said the CEO. 'Today one of you will
be appointed the next CEO!'

All of a sudden, the CEO spotted Jim at the back of the room with
his empty pot. He ordered the Financial Director to bring him to
the front. Jim was terrified. He thought, 'The CEO knows I'm a failure! Maybe he
will have me fired!'

When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked him what had happened
to his seed - Jim told him the story.

The CEO asked everyone to sit down except Jim. He looked at Jim,
and then announced to the young executives, 'Behold your next
Chief Executive Officer!

His name is Jim!' Jim couldn't believe it. Jim couldn't even grow
his seed.

'How could he be the new CEO?' the others said.

Then the CEO said, 'One year ago today, I gave everyone in this room a seed. I
told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But
I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead - it was not possible for them to
grow.

All of you, except Jim, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you
found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I
gave you. Jim was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with
my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new Chief Executive Officer!'

* If you plant honesty, you will reap trust

* If you plant goodness, you will reap friends

* If you plant humility, you will reap greatness

* If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment

* If you plant consideration, you will reap perspective

* If you plant hard work, you will reap success

* If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation

* If you plant faith in God , you will reap a harvest


So, be careful what you plant now; it will determine what you will reap later.

/////////////////////////////////////////
PS: I think all those other guys became Congressmen.


Me 48
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cire2 Offline OP
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This can't end well.

So, how's your day?

cire

http://webmail.icehouse.net/src/image.ph...16&ent_id=2


Me 48
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cire2 Offline OP
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A Summer Skirt Situation...

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, a lovely looking woman became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."


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cire2 Offline OP
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So, I 'm out of town this past weekend and I get texts from ex GF. We exchange texting for a bit over a couple days a slight reconnect that she initiates every few weeks until she disappears again. On my way home monday night/ tuesday she asks if i'm home yet, to which I reply not yet. She then texts that she doesn't want me to be sideswiped but she went to my house and took her computer. I asked why didn't she just ask. No response. When I get home I find out she took some clothes also. The kicker is my change bowl is empty when there was probably 60 plus dollars in there. Also some of her trinkets, were gone along with cupboards left open. I texted her some questions and she denies taking anything but computer and clothes. This is amazing to me that she can think i'm so stupid. Once again no contact when she said she wanted to meet when I got home. It surely must be drugs! Arrrgh!

cire


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You post some good jokes.

As for XGF - change the locks. If she contacts you saying she needs more of her stuff, have her pick it up in your presence. You should not need or want this person in your life.

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Found this, thought it applies greatly!

cire

The Word of God ♦*:~:*♦*:~:He Says....BRING It To ME !!!♦*:~:*♦*:~:

Matthew 17:14-17 ~. "A man came up to Jesus, falling on his knees before Him and saying, 'Lord, have mercy on my son, for he is a lunatic and is very ill; ... I brought him to Your discipl...es, and they could not cure him. ' And Jesus answered and said ... 'Bring him here to Me"

In life there are problems that I call "God problems." These are not problems with God, but problems only God can handle. God problems are those that cannot be fixed with your checkbook, education or influence. These problems are outside of the control of human beings and lie squarely within God's sovereign jurisdiction....... They stop us in our tracks and cause us to soberly assess our situation in life. They bring us face to face with our insufficiency and our need for God's sufficiency...... When we face a God problem we discover what is really important in life.

These problems are not designed to stop us from making progress in life, but to reveal our dependency on God...... They are opportunities for us to seek and grow closer to Him. God wants to reveal something to you. He wants you to spend some time with Him, growing in your knowledge and relationship with Him, and your problem may be the vehicle He is using to do it.

Throughout the gospels people sought Jesus to do what no one else could do. In John 6:1-15 we see that barbythe disciples faced a impossible task of feeding a multitude with a boy's lunch. The boy only had two fish and five loaves of bread, but there were over 5000 people to feed. After taking inventory of the situation, Jesus told the disciples to, "Bring them here to me." As the fish and loaves passed through the hands of Jesus, their insufficiency was transformed into sufficiency.

You may be presently dealing with something that is outside of your control. You've done everything within your power to change the situation and have almost given up hope because nothing has changed. Before you give up, make sure that you've truly brought your problem to God and not trusted people for your solution...... Too often, God is the last stop in our search for help. You don't have to lose everything before you seek Him. God is not intimidated by what you are dealing with. Stop trying to fix it on your own...... If you could fix it, it would be fixed by now. This is a "God Problem", or a "problem for God". Don't mistake your trusting people with trusting God. When God showed up, deliverance quickly followed.

The devil will do everything he can to keep you from spending time with God and discovering His sufficiency. He will put people in your way and keep you so busy and tired, that instead of things getting better, they get worse...... Set aside some time in the morning, evening, on your lunch break or when you are lying in bed and get into God's presence undistracted. Take a deep breath and focus on God's promises.

In Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus promised, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, .... 'For My yoke is easy and My burden is light'."

God's offer still stands! Whatever it is He says- "bring it to Me!"Read More


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Kerry,

I hear you, I have distanced myself greatly from her. I won't speak to her unless she initiates and there is some sort of question. What she did completely took me for a loop, I love who she was in my eyes not who she is!

By the way, I was in Woodburn OR when I was out of town, I see you live in OR.

I do hope everyone who reads this thread gets something from the posts, especially the humor. Smiles and laughter can be the best medicine.

cire


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My brother lives in Woodburn.

Large Russian (Greek Orthodox) and Mexican community.

Super Walmart.

Tulips.

If you were with a woman, they most likely made you take them shopping at the Company Stores by the freeway. Banana Republic, Gap, Ann Taylor, Nautica, Calvin Kline, Chico's, Eddie Bauer, Nike, etc, etc, etc. Ugggh!

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