A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

All of what? Me struggling today?

Lots of things. H is more withdrawn this week, less warm and I am feeling the presence of OW more keenly. I've done real well handling my grief over my grandmother's passing, but knowing that I have to drive 4 hours tomorrow for her memorial service is weighing on me. I'm sleep deprived, thanks in part to sleeping on the couch, my own anxieties, working late last night and H waking me up on his way to his 5 am computer assignation.

Also, yesterday I read a part of someone else's thread that really hit me hard. She was talking about being in the same bed with her H and how badly she wanted to touch him - and as good as things are going with us, I don't even get to sleep beside him. Most of the time, I'm ok with it. But last night - truth be told I stood in the hallway outside his door at midnight on the cusp of asking if I could sleep with him. Twice.

Then I went and slept on the couch and snuggled my cat instead.

Then I mentioned the miscarriage in one of my posts - and it's about that time of year - for the miscarriage, for when I left, for our anniversary, for when I filed, etc, etc, etc.

Big damn snowball picking up debris and speed as it rolls down the hill.

So yes, I'm having a weak spell. When that happens, if I'm alone, I allow myself to feel the feelings. Stuffing them is counter-productive. But I set a time limit on it. Today, my time limit is 2 pm. I have to get my work done, but I can be sad until 2 pm. Then I have to get my head back in the game.