Dear Stuck, just dropping in after reading some of your posts. So many of your questions I have asked about my spouse! It is like alcoholism- I am trying to accept the fact that our Ss need to seek help themselves and then wondering how anyone can stay depressed for so long, etc, and projection-itis. And all the times I thought about grinding up some anti-depressants in my H's food!!! I don't like that you are going through something familiar, but it does make me feel stronger that I'm not the only one asking these questions! So, thanks.
I'm kind of taking it like that Laura Munson person who wrote that article in the NYT about her H who seemed to be in MLC. She rode it out and let him sort it out himself. Right now, that's what I'm trying to do.
Any thoughts, anyone?
Unfortunately, it seems her sitch wrapped up fairly quickly if I recall.
I think that you are idling in Limboland and something is going to have to happen to shake things up. Not sure what it is, so I'm not making the suggestion...but, something.
Retrouvaille hasn't come up yet. I don't think that's the issue here. She's got to work through her problems on her own and not bury it in the needs of the kids. Laura Munson's H went through it for about 5 months before he made an effort. And only because the light came on and he figured out that he needed to take care of his issues and they weren't hers. Many of the things I've read about people in MLC from here and other places, talks about "coming out of the fog". It's like they are conscience of what they're doing, but feel helpless and that they can't do anything about it. So they lash out in anger because they can't understand it. Then they have a lightbulb moment and say "hey! I have to own up to my own sh*t".
I have told her to get help and in the email I told her that I'm not interested in a platonic relationship nor am I going to be someone's second choice. So she knows where I stand about M. The thing is, for someone who was so gung ho about getting a D and moving on, she hasn't done squat about it.
In fact, yesterday she was telling me how we needed to buy new furniture for our D's room. HELLO! If we're planning to D, then we can't afford furniture. It'll all be for the lawyers.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Oh I'm not ruling it out. I'm just putting it in the backburner for now. Plus they don't have Retrouvaille programs out here in Hawaii. So I've been trying to find something comparable.
The thing is that my W has shown signs of doing things for me that I mentioned I needed. She doesn't have to, especially since she said she wanted a D. Sometimes I feel like she's testing the waters or has glimpses of coming out of the fog before being enveloped in it again.
The thing is that when we were physically S, she said she felt free. Well no kidding since she had the kids only half the time, so she could do whatever she wanted. She knows she can do that now, but she doesn't act on it.
I've also thought about the idea of going out with other people. I did that when we were S as well. Unlike your H, she didn't call or contact me at all for 4 months. Of course, we were at a different place than we are now.
So I do think she needs something major to shake her up. I totally agree. Going for an ultimatum will come in to play, but not just yet.
While you were in your mindset of taking care of everyone else's needs but your own, if you saw your H interested in another woman, would have done anything about it or do anything to prevent it?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
It's like they are conscience of what they're doing, but feel helpless and that they can't do anything about it.
Have you read up on "learned helplessness." Google Martin Seligman. You can model healthy behavior and change some of her word choices to help her.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
While you were in your mindset of taking care of everyone else's needs but your own, if you saw your H interested in another woman, would have done anything about it or do anything to prevent it?
It made me feel insecure, helpless and hopeless for our marriage.
My H coming home and bragging about other women drove me further into despair.
Seeing the way he looked at other women made me feel very disposable.
Now he says it was a "cry for help" but it really was not the right approach with me.
Our sitches are different in some important ways. My H works in the entertainment biz, he brags a lot and he did not express his desire and willingness to come together and take care of business in the way I believe you have.
Even now, if he came to me with a plan, enthusiastic and sincere, to bring our family together, handle our finances and that he would lead, I would be on it like a fly on sh*t.
