You are on the right track. I’ll come back to the list in a second. But Stuck is right. You aren’t thinking enough about yourself here. What’s the GAL list look like? The other satisfying thing about GALing…you can control you. And when you do things for you, you can have expectations because you have control over you.
When your H is having a nutty, you just need to duck and take cover. The best way to do that is get your life. GALing sends a message to them too….”Holy crap! She really might be having fun without me! I can’t have that!”
Your 180’s….they look good. Your mini goals….not so much. Here’s why….let’s say you don’t get him to start conversations, or say goodnight or goodbye or watch a tv show with him or call you at lunch…..does that mean you’ve failed? You’ve set up mini goals that are going to make you have expectations. That’s a good way to set yourself up for failure and disappointment that you could have avoided.
The mini goals are really better named “benchmarks” if you will. It should be IF he starts conversations, says goodnight, says goodbye, wants to watch tv with me and calls me to say Hi at lunch, then those are positive signs….but YOU DON’T NEED THEM. They’re just gauges for you maybe. Because let’s say he never does any of those things or doesn’t do most of them, ever. But one day he comes to you at home and says “I’ve been such an idiot. What am I doing? I want you to know I do love you and I am committed here. Just give me some space to figure it all out, ok?” Would that be a great sign he’s in this with you?
I would just note if those “mini goals” happen, in a journal or here. And make note of what was happening when he did ones of those things. Did you make his favorite dinner and he wants to watch tv with you as a thank you? Did you and the family with him have a great day doing something as a family and he gives you a happy goodnight? Did you leave him alone because he came home with a sour puss face and you thought “Wow—gonna give him some space for sure!” And then later he kisses you goodnight? That’s what I mean. I kept a journal so I could see what was working and what wasn’t.
You can do this. You’re doing pretty well. It’s hard to gauge when you’re dealing with a semi crazy person, I know.
