A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

Journalling...

The miscarriage. We had been 'trying' for about 6 months before I got pregnant but when I did, I was really worried that it was a bad thing. I didn't think H was up to having another child even though he was elated about the pregnancy. There were already problems in the marriage. H was withdrawing and acted like kidlet and I were a burden, acted like he felt trapped, etc. If he was feeling trapped and overwhelmed with just me and kidlet, how the heck was he going to handle another baby?

I learned I would miscarry on my sister's birthday. With a sexual assualt in my past, I knew that having a 'procedure' to handle the miscarriage was going to be too traumatic for me to handle so I went home to wait it out. H was alternately wonderful and not there for me. Intellectually, I know he had to work and couldn't take the whole week off, but for the worst of it - the time when I was doubled over in pain bleeding on the bathroom floor - he wasn't there. I felt so alone. He did take at least a day or two off, and he took good care of me when he was home.

I felt like the miscarriage was a blessing in disguise, maybe the best thing that could have happened under the circumstances - and I felt horrible for feeling that. Was I post-partum-y? Dunno. Maybe. I was depressed for at least a month afterward, and my contact with OM started during that time.

He was someone from my past and I looked him up on a whim. I was absolutely NOT intending to have an affair when I looked him up. At first it was just emails, catching up, etc. H was becoming ever more avoidant and hard to talk to. OM seemed to listen. His marriage was on the rocks, too, so we commiserated with each other.

I'm sure you guys all know how that goes. I am not proud of it. I am not defending it.

H and I live in a very small town where the main families have been here for generations. Names of H's ancestors are on the street signs. I felt like I couldn't open up to anyone because I didn't want to create problems for H, hurt his reputation in the community, didn't want people to talk. The only people I talked to were OW1 (the snake!), OM and a few people on a women's health and fitness board.

Eventually, OM started trashing my H, esp. the alcohol problems, and talking up how bad my marriage was, how much I deserved better. Unbeknownst to me, OW1 was running me down in her convos with H.

I asked for marriage counseling and H agreed to go. It sucked. the MC seemed to take his side on everything. H was lying about the alcohol consumption (lying, denial, whatever)and that just seemed to buttress for the MC that I was exaggerating, hypercritical, and emotionally volatile - who, of course, reinforced these perceptions with H. I called off the MC and declared us separated. And yes, OM had been pressuring me to do that. And no, I am not proud of it. (I told you in the beginning I'd be honest about my own failings, so there it is.)

Over the next 3-4 months, H stopped drinking, went to a few AA meetings, did more around the house. I was still in contact with OM (email/phone only) but H was making a dent in things. I got to the point where I wanted to work it out. I backed way off on communication with OM and started resisting his machinations. I also started looking for opportunities to tell H that I wanted to work it out. That's how I found out about OW1.

H was spending almost all of his spare time on the computer. I'd go in to see what he was doing - I didn't want to have the conversation with him looking back and forth at a computer screen. Since he often games with a group of our friends (including OW1's husband) I was trying to pick a night when I could ask him to turn off the computer and come talk to me.

Eventually, I'd give up waiting and go to bed. He was coming to bed at 2 am and sometimes I'd hear him laughing in the office. Finally I walked up to him and asked if something was going on.

He turned around in his chair and said, "Yes. I've been in a relationship with OW1 for a few months now." Then he turned back to the screen and typed to her that I'd asked him what was going on and he'd told me. She typed something back like, "Ew. Do you need to go?" I didn't see his response because I'd already walked away.

He was chatting with her the next morning when I woke up, too. It must have been a weekend day. Until this point, I had told him I was unhappy and that I considered us separated but I had never said the D word. Again, I walked over to him on the computer.

Dia: So this has been going on for a few months now, right?

He looked at me and said yes.

Dia: And this is what you want? You're going to continue it?

H: Yes.

Dia (nodding): Ok. Then I think we should move to closure as quickly as possible.

H: Ok. (and he went back to the computer)

I went to the master bedroom and shut the door, sobbing in a corner against the wall saying "I want a divorce" over and over again. It was the first time I'd ever spoken the word.

What made it worse was that all this time over the past few months, people had been asking me if I thought he was having an affair, and I'd been defending him. "No. No, he would never do that." Earlier in the summer, he'd driven 8 hours each way to go to her daughter's bday party. Looking back at that, well - it wasn't just for the bday party, now was it?

Up until this point, I had no plans to actually leave. None. I took kidlet to visit my folks at their timeshare in Lake Tahoe - a real kick in the pants because that's where we met OW and her H. I told my dad that I needed out, and asked if kidlet and I could come live with them for awhile. They said yes.

I went back home, told H that kidlet and I would be going to my parents. I went to my folks' place alone to get the space ready for us. When I got back to pick up kidlet and a carload of stuff, I asked H on a hunch when OW was coming. His answer: "Tomorrow." It was Thursday, and they were planning a - well, let's just say a weekend together.

So I packed up kidlet and my car and drove away. That was the middle of August. I got kidlet settled, started him in his new school and filed for divorce. We were married on Labor Day, so I think of Labor Day as our anniversary but the date is Sept. 4, so often Labor Day and the 4th are not the same. Even greater than the shame of leaving, my bigger shame is this: It was not Labor Day when I filed the papers. Labor Day was a holiday, so I filed on a Tuesday or Weds. after the holiday. I didn't do it on purpose, but the date I signed the papers was Sept. 4th, our 13th wedding anniversary.

When I realized that, I thought about waiting a few days - but then I remembered him scheduling that weekend with her before I was even out of the house and I licked the envelope and stuffed the thing int he mail. So much hurt. So much anger. So much devasastation.

Looking back, it was completely the wrong decision. I should have stayed, slapped down an ultimatum then met the bit@$ at the door and sent her packing.

And yes, the whole thing did end up driving me straight into OM's arms.

Well, so there's your marriage clusterf*^k story for the day.

Upbeat Dia will return momentarily.