I may have another suggestion....tell me more about this trip... Lots of kids? Including his? Would your kids have fun? Or would you think they'd rather be with you?
It is a memorial camping trip for his deceased friend. Lots of families camping. Lots of kids. W has already agreed to pull our kids out of the mixso she wasn't talking about taking them. She hinted that I could keep them while she goes. She's struggling to figure out how to pull back after she fully immersed the kids in his life without thinking it through. She defined her choices as go and hurt me, tell him she cant go because of me and hurt him, or lie and make an excuse.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
If she asks you what you think be very clear. No expectations for what she is going to do. Don't get emotional. Be a great Dad to your kids. Improve your home. Talk about and take actions on your goals. Improve yourself physically, mentally ,emotionally and spiritually.
I've agreed that I won't bother her about her seeing OM but she knows where I stand with respect to wanting to save the marriage. CI am hands-down doing the above and succeeding very well at it.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
I'm trying to understand if I should step up more and alleviate the pressure by allowing her to go to him. Making it easy for her to spend time with him.
NO!
Let her decide but you must be the better man. This is not a decision she will make based soley on logic. A strong, confident man is not going to share his wife with another man. The issue here isn't about who is giving your wife more pressure. Be in control, stand up for what you believe in, but don't be controlling. You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Let her decide but you must be the better man. This is not a decision she will make based soley on logic. A strong, confident man is not going to share his wife with another man. The issue here isn't about who is giving your wife more pressure. Be in control, stand up for what you believe in, but don't be controlling. You can handle it.
Coach, This too makes sense. I guess there is a part of me that feels guilt and love and wants to take the pressure off her.
But what I really want ultimately is to save our marriage and see all of us happy again.
Last edited by RedSoxFan; 08/27/0904:57 PM.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
You have a very skewed sense of what you can control here. You aren't "allowing" her to go to him.
I think your achilles heal here is thinking you have that much control. The pressure is torturing her but it is from within her...she puts it on you because of course you left her and got this ball rolling. But now, fair or unfair, her feelings and behaviors are HER responsibility. And the worst feeling in being the LBS is that you have no control. So if you stop carrying that bag for her, and let her handle her own life, I think she will be better off.
You must let her know that her choices are hers to make and you can only control your reaction to them. You are in a triangle and I think you need to get yourself out of it.
She has pulled the kids out of the equation which is awesome so I think in some way you can exhibit support for that choice (subtly). And now SHE has to figure out what to do about OM.
There is a lot of mind-reading here too. She tells you x and y but you don't REALLY know where she's at.
Maybe the best thing you could do is remind her that this weekend isn't the be all and end all and that whatever she decides, she should remember that everyone will be ok and there will be new fish to fry as there always is...
You have a very skewed sense of what you can control here. You aren't "allowing" her to go to him.
I don't for one minute think that I'm 'allowing' her to do anything. Just a misuse of words as I'm hurrying to get things posted in between work meetings :-O
I have made it clear that I don't blame her or hold it against her that she's moved on. She also knows that I love her and that I want to save our marriage. That puts pressure on her. It could be pressure because she cares about me or him or she'ss just human or all three. I don't know.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
Maybe the best thing you could do is remind her that this weekend isn't the be all and end all and that whatever she decides, she should remember that everyone will be ok and there will be new fish to fry as there always is...
I don't get why I would say this? Not saying its wrong, just don't understand.
I really the need the why when it comes to putting this stuff into action.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
Because she's stressing about this weekend. She's got people she can hurt on either side. That statement would RELIEVE her pressure and you would be the one pushing the release valve...
Remember, you said that she is trying to back out of the situation with OM. Why do you think that? Because you are doing well here.
Definitely keep the kids this weekend. My play would be to tell her...."If you are committed to this event, then you should go...I'll would love to take the kids this weekend."
And you know what? She may decide "My H is the one not bothering me about this....screw it. I'm not going." Or she may decide to go but that's because you were so wonderful about it and he was applying pressure. If you had to go somewhere because you were pressured, how much fun would you have?
I see this as an opportunity to really make that white knight armour shine.
And aliveandkicking is right....this is not the end all be all.
Maybe the best thing you could do is remind her that this weekend isn't the be all and end all and that whatever she decides, she should remember that everyone will be ok and there will be new fish to fry as there always is...
I don't get why I would say this? Not saying its wrong, just don't understand.
I really the need the why when it comes to putting this stuff into action.
Isn't it true? Aren't you both obsessing as if this is the final frontier. It's not. Do you want it to be. Is this ultimatum time. If you go with him, we're through...oopsy, you don't have that leverage anyway, do you?
Tell her to make her own decision and you don't want to be involved. Or don't say it in words, just live your life, let her make a decision and do what you need to do.
Seriously, this is becoming so symbolic and that is why she's stressing out and so are you.
Be cool, remember, you're the cool guy, you've got your sh*t together unlike Mr. Pressure Pants who has to bully a woman to be with him. You just sit back and let the ladies come to you...
