Deep/LFH all, No apologies needed at all for the hijack - I really appreciate hearing more about your Retro experience, as it was something I hoped my H would be open to as well. (So far he's a WAS and we have little contact, so I'm not too hopefuly right now). Thanks also for the book suggestions I will look into.
I went to visit family for a couple days to be around people, GAL and just get my mind off stuff. It helped. My cousin's husband (and my fam at large) is pretty disgusted w H right now (and his FB pictures looking drunk, and hanging w other women), and think I should not wait around for him. They say I need someone - when I am ready - that really appreciates for me, and cousin's H even wants to set me up w one of his friends. I guess it can't hurt to see what's out there, as H seems to have been doing this quite a bit across past several months.
That's another thing, why would H be telling me about going on dates w other women? I think he's beyond trying to make me jealous, perhaps it's just his way of pushing me away more and making me want to step up the plate and get the ball rolling (in terms of D)..but it's not something that I want (the D) and certaintly don't feel I should initiate the process.
Stronger, you had mentioned ML was one of the things that helped you during this time. Issue for me is that H and I had always been very lacking in that area, and in last yr of being together, hardly ever ML. Our sex life was fine and very frequent when we were first dating and moved in together, then once we got engaged it really petered out. I know that's a huge problem, and something I would have nurtured much more back then if I knew we were here now. Truth is I never really felt ready to get engaged at the time (not so much H, but more that my dad had just died, I'd just moved and switched jobs, and felt very unsettled at that time and was only 25...I felt like I needed a bit more time)...anyways, I think that had a lot to do - the early doubts - with hurting our sex life, and then neither of us made it a huge priority. I know we can be very compatible in that area, it just became less and less frequent and we did not address it, as we should have, at the time. Another reason in his mind I'm sure to look for opportunities/relationships/greener grass elsewhere, if he doesn't have fond memories of ML w me. I know he also felt inadequate in that area w me in last couple of years, b/c it just wasn't as good for me, and he knew it.
Stonger Pearl and others have made comments about needing to show him i've changed (well, doing so more for me, i know)... interesting when I told him once that i have been doing so much to work on my stress/anxiety/patience/'letting go' of things he did in past/teamwork, etc (and other little issues he had w me, that should be worked on regardless), he once said "well what am I supposed to do, have blind faith in you?" What does one say to that? I told him at the time I understand your hesitations (just agreeing) and offered that we spend some time together so he could see, give it a chance, etc. That was a couple months ago...i know he may have concerns around 'have i changed' but at this time I think he gets it and sees it to some extent, but it may not matter if he's in a different place. He is being totally selfish right now, only thinking about himself, and very caught up in this world of attention and his new found fame (from his modeling gig and big powered job to come)...and being in student/spring break mode for past several months.
I was feeling much better past couple days w my family and friends and distractions, doing a little shopping and taking care of my appearance, and then got all teary again last night. I am trying to ride out these ups and downs. He's just been SO hurtful these past few months, the way he's handled things is just so dispicable, and how he's thrown stuff in my face (classic WAS script). I'm a good person and I deserve someone that appreciates me. thinking about how nasty he's been lately makes it easier in some ways to let go, but I also have many wonderful memories. I miss the person H used to be, but he's been a very different person indeed these past 6-8 months.
