Round 1: 1. he made no effort to spend special time together the night before he left 2. he responded with coldness to my upset about #1 ----- Round 2 7. He didn't call for 3 days 8. He responded with coldness to my upset about #7
It sounds like things have gotten better between you in the past year or 2. Did you tell him beforehand you wanted to spend time together the night before he left? If so, what did he say to that?
Yeah, so getting upset in the way you did doesn't work from what you say. With all the possible choices you could make, I think it seems like it might be a good idea to try something different that's not so drastic as moving out or dating someone else. Like using a hammer on a fly or something. Karen
So for 2 years of friendship and 3 years of dating it was good? Sorry to get all analyst on you but what do you think changed that for 5 years things were good enough that you married him but then you got married and things went south.
I've engaged in some amateur analysis about that myself. I have learned that it is quite common for men who are abusive to change into that mode at the point in the relationship where they feel very 'safe.' Could be that he doesn't think I would ever leave him so he doesn't have to make an effort. Could be he has to have the element of the perpetual chase to keep tuned in. Could be that living together with it's mundane day to day tasks made me seem mundane to him too. Could be that in his world wife = family = treat each other like crap.
It's hard to say. It is a concern of mine though that even if, he did what he needs to do and I came back, that the pattern could repeat. I do not want to do that.
What would you say led to your neglect of that smokin hot wife of yours?
Originally Posted By: DownNotOut...yet
I do think job stress can screw with you but anyone can find 10 minutes a day to blow in a call...or 10 minutes every other day at least. Guys fighting in Iraq find time to call home.
Right, it's not like he's in combat.
Originally Posted By: DownNotOut...yet
Upon re-reading, Lay the Gucci on him. This guy is 17 years older than you? You are a groovy chick! You could probably trade him and get a guy 17 years YOUNGER than you.
Did you tell him beforehand you wanted to spend time together the night before he left?
Uh, no. In my experience, I would not be necessary to say anything when my man is going to be away from me for a month.
Originally Posted By: karen43
I think it seems like it might be a good idea to try something different that's not so drastic as moving out or dating someone else. Like using a hammer on a fly or something.
It would be great if there is something less drastic I could do which would be effective. Any idea what that might be in this situation?
Sure, I think it seems obvious to me and prob. most people that you would want to spend the night with him, do something special. But I think some men need stuff spelled out for them (prob. some women too although I think we tend to be a bit more perceptive sometimes). Also, I found that when my H would travel for work the night before was not a night I wanted to spend time with him. He'd be stressed out and cranky and not really a good time to spend with him. In that case, maybe ask your H for special plans 2 nights before the trip?
Also, instead of confronting him over the phone, sounds like you argued about his treating you while he's on a trip and busy, maybe wait until he gets home and then do a discussion about how you feel when he treats you like that, and just communicating with him your feelings, but not accusing or yelling or whatever.
Sure, I think it seems obvious to me and prob. most people that you would want to spend the night with him, do something special. But I think some men need stuff spelled out for them
Pre-marriage, he went out of his way to make sure he was packed and ready to go so we had some time together. He doesn't need it spelled out for him.
Originally Posted By: karen43
Also, instead of confronting him over the phone, sounds like you argued about his treating you while he's on a trip and busy, maybe wait until he gets home and then do a discussion about how you feel when he treats you like that, and just communicating with him your feelings, but not accusing or yelling or whatever.
There was no accusing or yelling, just a statement that I'm upset you haven't called me. Why in the world would I wait until he got home - in a month!
I can tell you have a kind heart Karen, but really, you might want to follow along with Gucci on my thread and others. You might benefit from his perspective and developing a little spunk.
There was no accusing or yelling, just a statement that I'm upset you haven't called me. Why in the world would I wait until he got home - in a month!
Why not wait a month? I didn't mean to suggest that you had yelled or accused, but meant to say that when you have that conversation you don't want to yell or accuse, but just have a polite conversation. Personally, when I'm upset I find that hard to do sometimes.
I think we all make mistakes or can get too involved in work or children or whatever mistakes we happen to make. I think it's better to have discussions about that than separate or have an affair (in my sitch). Just my personal feelings about that.
I am aware of gucci and have read his threads. That is just a philosophy I don't think is right for me. And I think even Gucci would/should recommend it not be looked to as a first or 2nd option in a marriage when you're unhappy with a spouse's behavior (such as you describe). I would hope not anyway. Karen
I predict he will call after the big presentation, tomorrow or the next day.
My prediction was wrong, two days have passed since the event and still no contact. This is even worse than I thought and confirms for me that leaving is absolutely the right thing to do. I was to leave this coming Tuesday and arrive on Wednesday and there has been no communication to confirm nor discomfirm that I will be on that plane. Hmmmm.
I am having a hard time focusing on doing everything I need to do in order to be out of this house within the next 25 days. Switching my orientation from preparing for vacation in Europe to moving out isn't easy.
I think it is to my advantage on the practical level to not tell him specifically that I plan to leave. He could potentially do some things which would make that more difficult for me. I want the time. (That is more important to me than what might be the best relationship strategy because the chances that I will ever want him back grow more dim each day.) So, I'm not sure exactly what to say in the event that he does contact me at some point.
Do I switch my decisiveness to my decision not to vacation with him and remain vague about anything more, something like, "I decided not to meet you in Europe. I don't want to vacation with someone who treats me the way you have been. And anyway, I'm enjoying this time apart. I realize now how much I needed that. I've changed my ticket so I can have a vacation I'll enjoy more."
Yes! that sounds like a great response. Do not be drawn on the details. I especially like the "I don't want to vacation with someone who treats me the way you have been." and the way that you don't end the paragraph on that sentence so he can't respond with "treating you like what?".
You go girl!
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
