Leave the creep alone and don't send any messages to him. If she wants to cut it off with this guy, then SHE has to do it. If you have contact with him, she might feel like she has to defend him or encourage him because you are picking on him or harasssing him.
I agree that he is a dispicable creep, taking advantage of a very vunerable woman. You have to maintain the high road in this situation which is very hard to do but you are trying. You still are having considerable contact with the W and Kids, that is good. She is still very confused and emotional, and sounds as if she misses you, another positive sign. You are working on it, just don't push too hard.
She was pissed that I sent the messages to Fireman. She even went so far as to send him an apologetic text message, so she IS defending him! I feel like she cares more about him than about me, or us.
She now says that I'm confining her, and that she needs some space. I can't seem to do anything right. I give of my time, and spend quality time with her and the girls, now she says she needs space. This is becoming so hard. I do know that we MUST get into couples counseling before the end of the week. I just am having trouble getting the therapist lined up. We're hanging by a thread, and I feel like calling the wife and saying *Let's call the lawyers and just get this over with*.
Other than staying away from the Fireman, what would you want YOUR husband to do, if you were my wife? Please help me!!
Sorry to jump in so far along in the game, but I have been monitoring your situation.
First question; is it possible she has been sexually starving you in order to be 'faithful' to the [censored]? How long has the affair been going on?
Is it possible that the whole affair is staged as a retailiation? From what you have written, something is amiss, or possibly, you are holding back some additional info?
As for the fear, you had to know that there was a chance all this would blow up in your face when you left, right?
Regardless, it sure looks like you might be the monkey on her string. Manipulation would appear to be the keyword in your situation. Just remember, even if you break the cycle, things still may not go your way.
If it makes you feel any better, In your situation, I would at least break [censored]'s nose, then walk away from the marriage. It would be the wrong thing to do, but I would probably do it. However, I highly recommend you stay away from mr. [censored] and let his sleaze slough off on someone else's fist. Guys like him aren't typically very well liked - or tolerated, so take comfort in the fact that his life will eventually suck worse than it does already.
Oh, and for what she sees in him - easily controlled target of opportunity.
I hope that your situation improves soon.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
If she feels that you are crowding her, she will fight harder to cling to the Fireman. Become more unavailable. See the info on "going Dark." You do not have to be at her beck and call, only do that when the kids are involved, and then know when you are being taken advantage of and back off. It is a fine line to be supportive but not overwhelming in her life right now. I get the feeling that she is looking for the buttons to push to get a reaction from you. That tactic has been working for her and making you miserable.
Do not contact the Fireman! This has backfired on you since she is defending him and he might feel that he must defend her from the "mean old Cloudy." That is a situation that you do not want to force.
As far as going to the lawyers, you are in too much pain right now to make good decisions. Perhaps you need some space for yourself. You need to get away for a weekend with some friends.let her know that you will be unavailable for that weekend so she can plan things for the kids, and go have some fun or downtime, something other than beating your head against the wall. It really helped me to go have fun with some friends and get a different perspectice. I came back stronger and in a much better frame of mind to deal with this crap.
Nopkins has some good points, too. Keep us informed.
Quote: Also, how do I deal with my fear, my constant fear, that she is still in touch with this guy? How do I let this stuff go??
You deal with the fear by recognizing what it is....your worst enemy. It's OK to be afraid, you would be subhuman if you weren't feeling fear in this situation. It is not OK to be led by your fear though and that is happening with you. Every action you take comes from the fear you are feeling Brian. Step back and take a look at what you are doing. Can you honestly say that anything you have done since you found out about the fireman has been productive? No!! Cause it's all been driven by the fear. Be afraid, don't fight feeling it but for goodness sake stop giving into it.
I stand by what I told you on the phone. You have to distance yourself from her confusion and chaos. Stop being so available, stop obsessing on this other guy and stop trying to win her back by over doing it. None of that works. You have to give her what she says she wants...space and time to figure herself out.
The day you picked your daughter up and the wife cried and felt some confusion is the only time you have distanced yourself. It's the only time you have not played nice doggie and rolled over. You took your daughter and left her standing in the driveway to deal with her own stuff. It's the only time since this mess started that you have seen a positive response from her. It's the only time she has seemed to question her actions. Give her a little bit more of that behavior. Be considerate, kind and loving but leave her alone.
No one wants what is so readily available to them. By contacting the fireman all you did was make him that much more attractive to her and yourself less attractive. He isn't available to her....kind of like forbid fruit. You are playing right into her confusion. Stop letting all that fear you feel set you up for failure. Cathy~
NOPkins is right. The Fireman is a waste of time. Not worth going to jail over. I will leave him alone, but there is part of me that wishes she would invest herself in this guy, only to find out down the line what a loser he is. What I mean is: let her have him, so that I can pursue someone genuine and watch the wife self-destruct.
I will be dropping my daighter off tonight and putting her to bed. The wife will be home around the same time, and I will be kind and considerate, but leave as promptly as possible. She'll probably "want to talk", but I am not comfortable with that now. Let her twist in the wind instead.
Over the weekend, she kept inviting me to do things with her. Then, she tells me that I'm smothering her, and that she needs space. Is this the mark of a truly confused wife or what???
She is not only confused, she is scared that the wheels have been set in motion (by her) might lead to what she does not want, but she has no idea what that might be. You are getting the brunt of her emotional turmoil and she cannot decide who to turn to to be her rock and place of safety.
I'm in favor of you "going Dark" or putting some distance between the two of you. You are taking care of the kids, and I have to admire you for doing that. You are beginning to set boundaries and that has her scared, too as she has never experianced that from you before. The equation of your relationship has taken a huge turn and both of you are not dealing well with that.
Being hurt, bitter, and angry is normal, especially since the situation is so fresh, but do not have the hurt and anger drive your thoughts and reactions. If anything, you must be more calm and controlled than ever. That is really hard to do, but you can. Remember that when she pushes your buttons that you do not respond in your usual manner. She wants space, so give it to her. She is might be feeling lonly with you being in your own place right now. That might be another thing making her feel insecure. And that you started a new job so that she cannot watch you 24/7, too. How is that working out, BTW?
We talked alot before about forgiveness. It is too early to expect that from you, but you might get there in time. She has never really forgiven you after all of these years, and that has me puzzelled. (sp) If she cannot forgive you, but you can forgive her, then you are still at square one because you will not have made any progress in working out a solution to your situation. But getting to that point will take time for you to work through the hurt and anger that you have right now.
Are you still going to try for the counseling? Would not hurt either of you.
What a great post. Thank you. I am going dark, so to speak. I call her once a day to tell her that I am thinking of her, and that I hope she's having as good a day as I'm having. That's all I say to her. I left her that message this morning at her office, and have not heard from her since. She said that she wanted space, and that if she didn't call me, I shouldn't feel afraid, and vice versa. She also asked me to have a little faith in her that she wants to work this out, and keep the marriage. I am an observer of actions, though, and her actions seem to say she wants to slowly dissolve away. What do you think?
Last week, I asked for her forgiveness about my past misdeeds, and all she can say is that she'll have to forgive me if we're going to continue together. I know that I can forgive her.
I am trying to set up an appointment with a therapist, but am having a hard time getting a time slot. Will probably be next week, but the wife is open to it. The job is going very well. It's a great gig, and I'm having fun and proving myself daily. Thank goodness I'm not unemployed during this emotional period.
How are you doing, Johanna? I hope you're doing better than I am. Give me an update on your life. I'd love to hear it.
