WAW and 4 kids

[tryingtilDorR]

Now, an interesting thing happened last night totally unexpected and out of left field, but the more I thought about what I have learned by reading these boards I realized I shouldn't be that suprised.

As you can see from the above post I finally started to let go and decide that I might be better off without her, and even though D is not what I would have wanted I can't see a way through this darkness given her closed mind and attitude about everything. I had told her over the past few days that I am letting go and that we need to talk about separation/D. I told her she should start looking at rental houses for herself, and otherwise start planning. I filled out some court papers that she would need to take to her L (she doesn't have one yet) in order to calculate child support.

Yesterday I also told her to not leave with our kids and that we needed to work something reasonable out if she leaves as far as custody/visitation, but don't steal them in the middle of the night (I have a cousin who did that to her husband).

For whatever reason, she decides she wants to talk last night. I will spare you all the details, but the key thing was that I continued my stance of the M being over and agreeing with her on that point, always careful to say "if you HAD decided you wanted to work on it xxx might have happened, etc etc". I always talked about M as something that is in the past, as opposed to what I would say previously, which was "IF you decide to work on it ..." and referring to a future together.

Her big complaint was that I have told people about what she did, and that I don't trust her and as a result keep checking up on her and asking questions (duh!). It is interesting but her perception is ANY question I ask her is considered snooping whereas in most cases I am just trying to make conversation ("what did you do today?" is considered an interrogation).

I told her she has given me NO REASON to trust her anyway, so why would she expect any different, but that I am done with all that now and am tired of wasting my precious energy on someone who doesn't respect me and our M.

I told her I haven't spent one day during the past nine months NOT thinking about her and OM and that it was going to stop, NOW. I finally realize the tragedy of the time wasted and anguish I have endured. It isn't worth it anymore. I told her that if I thought she wanted to work on the M and had taken real steps in that direction I would have trusted her and worked hard to put her EA behind me, but she didn't put in any effort and just got worse over time.

Her response was "What would I need to do to try to work on M in your opinion?". Prior to last night, her attitude was "There is nothing to work on because M is over so I don't want to talk about it". She didn't openly admit that the M could be saved, but the fact that she actually asked this question was noteworthy.

I said:

a) move back into our bed, if for any reason to hide our issues from kids
b) never contact OM again
c) go to MC, in addition to her own IC, to discuss lingering issues where our opinions differ (like, whether or not her behavior is appropriate for someone who is M)
d) open up her mind to the possibility that hte M may survive somehow

The conversation ended and then when I go up to bed later I find her sleeping in our bed ?!?!?!? She hasn't been there in nearly 3 months (except when her other room was used by kids)! During the conversation she also agreed about going to MC (so we can work out issues since even if we split up we will need to do that, etc etc). Prior to this she said NO to any type of further joint counseling since we went to Retrouvaille Jan-Mar.

I think she is doing the trick of trying to pull LBS back when she senses that LBS is letting go.

If I am right about this, it is textbook behavior based upon what Sandi, Gucci, Coach, and Puppy all have been preaching. I finally got to the point where I was ready to move on and now she is stirring. I am not completely ready to believe that this is happening because her behavior is so erratic and this was just a small movement in the grand scheme of things, so I am going to continue the way I was going and observe what happens, but I sensed a definite change in the weather with her last night, after I had moved on to a new place the past week or two. For the first time I feel like I could move on without her and be OK, and not wanting to continue the sacrifice.