Me and H late thirties, two toddlers, together 12 years, married most of that. Both independant, got on very well, got blessed with both our kids who were very high maintainance as babies, both of us no time to ourselves until early 2008. I suggested to H at that stage he had been supporting me so much, thanks for putting up with me being hormonal cow, go have some fun with your mates for a bit. Swung that stable door open wide and away he went!
Replay / Anger - early 2007 to April 2009
In hindsight, I think H had been in Replay since early 2007, parties (not really till 2008), drinking, spending, no evidence of OW, new young friends usual stuff. Mid 2008 I said "hey dude, I am now getting sleep and can stay awake later than 8pm, lets do some fun stuff" but he never really looked back at us.
His replay came to a head like the 1812 Overture music in about April 2009, along with peak Anger, and I believe peak depression. He travels away from work about 50% of the time, during this time he was away from home 70% of the time, it was not the easiest of times at all. One day in April, one of his old mates dragged him out for sport, he got a huge bump on the head and just missed having a very serious accident (blacked out for a moment). Although he must have been ready anyway, this was an awakening for him. He said to me that night he felt like he had come out of a washing machine and was treading water.
Depression - Feb 2009 to May 2009
This was the major period, very very down in the middle.
80% of his Replay, Anger and major Depression stopped that April day, although habits, such as mates calling up to let him know the latest party meant gradual wind down, although his heart was no longer in it.
Withdrawal May 2009 to current
He seemed to transition into a Withdrawal, very quiet, better mannered, easier to live with. His brain seemed to be processing like crazy, although he still "did not know anything" I started DBing majorly at this stage, although had been GALing well before, and giving heaps of space, still kept relationship talking in error. Interestingly, H had very poor memory of much of his treatment of me during replay/anger (his was passive-agressive), and was horrifed that I suggested he spoke to me in certain ways, and did not believe me.
In early June 2009, after he droped hints about moving out, I asked him if he was planning on it, and he said yes and we agreed on formal separation. In hindsight, no way should I have asked as he still didnt know and I put it on the table. I did DB correctly in handling it, said ok, planned what I would do told him I was ready and we waited to sell some assets to give us the money to run two households.
During this period H was working on him, got his spending under control, let me know where he would be, stopped excess drinking etc, and seemed to be working through a list.
Mid August, he seemed to be moving through the tunnel further again. I saw the first pre crisis H peek out (for probably 18 months) for a day, and then he started to cycle between Anger, Depression, s sprinkle of small Replay, and pre crisis H, with pre crisis H taking small positive baby steps each time he appeared. Anger Cycles are kicked off by daily stressful events, a very large unexpected bill, request to cover coworker on leave etc. These started off being for a week or so, now he is in and out in 24 hours or less. Depression follows Anger as he pulls himself together, moves into Withdrawal then old H peeks out again. In the last Week, The intensity of these cycles has been much greater, higher highs and lower lowers, so its like he is getting ready to move into another phase, whatever that will be!!!
For the last three months I have DBed my butt off, GALing, for me, no hint of R talk, acting As If we would still be together in very small ways (kept doing long term house projects when we would have to move out of town for example). Most importantly, I got my own mojo back that got halted during extremely limited sleep and hormones of having kids. In the last couple of weeks, H has started the odd talk about "next year we could", or under his breath, "I am confused, I have no idea what I am doing". That is just where his head is at today, who knows tomorrow, but it took almost three months to get a Hint he may consider staying.
So I am keeping on doing what I have been doing and see where this road leads us. I am getting pretty tired of the load I am carrying now, but not about to throw in the towel although I consider it every day still. I made a promise for better or worse, and I will do all I can to try to hold my family together in a happy way for my little kids. One day at a time!
