Sorry to be away for awhile, just couldn't get onto a computer till now. We went out for dinner last night, rather than make it at home. We started the day by going to the beach, then to dinner. After dinner, she said that she drifts in and out of feelings for Mr. Hunky Fireman, which is to be expected, I suppose. I dropped her and our daughter off so both could nap. She called me later to invite me over to spend more time together. I left the house rpetty late, after we talked for awhile. She's till at her fork-in-the-road, not knowing if she can make the commitment to me, or should I say the investment in us. The other fork is trying herself out on the open market, or with Mr. Hunky Fireman. I gave her a new option to think about: she can pursue dating this man if she wants, but I get to date as well. Not only do I get to date, but I get to have sex, since she did with him. She has the rest of the weekend to think about it, but she doesn't seem too crazy about me dating. I guess it's only good enough for her.
This morning, she called me to say hi, and I acted aloof. I went over and picked up my daughter to hang out with her, adn the wife asked me what was wrong. I told her that I am perfectly fine: I'm reading the D.B. book, my apartment is neat again, I have a job I start Monday, and I have two daughters who love me. She hugged me and started crying, saying she's so filled with anxiety. Boo-hoo. I was still nice to her, and then I told the little one to *hop in the car for a trip to Daddy's house*, the wife cried even more. As I left, she told me she loves me.
We plan to get together to watch a video tonight. It's a scary movie, and she wanted me there to watch it with her. (It's called The Ring.) Tomorrow night, I told her I'd hang the Xmas lights on the house, then we agreed to go out to a movie at a theater. Sunday, I am taking the day off from her altogether.
So, here's my questions, which Cathy has already answered for me when I spoke with her yesterday:
Am I being too nice? Should I keep showing her my sincere interest and keep working positive steps with her? Should I start dating someone, just as a release? Should I back off and not be available to her, only to my daughters?
Cathy felt that I am her sure thing right now. She can count on me right now, and sort out her confusion without the emotional bondage of me being unavailable to her. I do love this woman, but I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. She is showing some genuine feelings toward me, but I also feel like I'm being tested. Or, maybe used is a bettrer word.
The affair hit its zenith a week ago today, and we've gone through so much since then. I don't believe she's calling this guy, but I believe she's fantasizing about him, thinking good thoughts of him. She was so defiant when I showed her the journal writings I saw. Not a trace of concern for my feelings. Even later that day, when we spoke on the phone, she was still approaching it from a very logical manner: I'm human; It was something that I needed for me; There's no emotional attachment to this guy, he's just a fantasy (the she continues to have feelings for him!). It wasn't until the next day that she started showing regret.
I want to know why, I think it was Jiji who said it, you think this Fireman guy is a jerk, or whatever word you used? I asked my wife if she can entertain the possibility that he just took advantage of a vulnerable woman. She won't accept that. She knows he's a better man than that (plus I'm sure that it would be a blow to her ego to admit I might be right). Why do you think this guy's such a loser, as I do? I need to know. I was at the house last night, and I found myself walking past the couch they had sex on, and staring at it, imagining them screwing each other. I just stared. She's making plans to get rid of the couch.
Oh well, enough out of me for today. I hope to check back later tonight, or tomorrow. I'm in much better spirits today, but still confused as to if I'm doing the right thing(s).
