Okay, breathe. You are seeing each other and the kids, so there are positives right now. Willingness to spend some time with you. You contacted a therapist. This is not going to resolve overnight because it did not happen overnight, so give things a chance to settle down a bit, okay?
Stop the pity party that you cannot compete with this guy. Says who? Just you? Please have more faith in yourself than that. So she had a fling, , forgive her AND yourself and keep moving forward. Things have been so tortured for the past two weeks that some dust has to settle, so let it. BREATHE, GO FIND A FRIEND AND GO BLOW OFF SOME STEAM!!!!! You need it.
At least your W is talking to you. My H is not doing anything, which is ticking me off. Oh, well, nothing new.
I agree with this post. Cloudy, I think that she sought this out to see if she "still had it". Probably for the same reasons that you sought out someone else, years ago. It seems bizarre to think of it in those terms, I know.
But if her sex drive has been gone for a while, she might be wondering if she still has the ability to FEEL something about sex, for sex, during sex. She can't do that with you, because the subject is too charged. She sought out someone else to see if there is still a WOMAN underneath the layers that she has thrown up around herself. There is.
That is a big positive right there! And the fact that she is wanting to re-discover that woman with YOU is an even bigger plus.
I'm sorry that you had to find all this out. I wish that she had been more stealthy, for your sake.
Do not listen to all those negative voices in your head, telling you that he has something that you don't. This was not about him--it was about HER. He could have been anybody, or nobody. She just needed a way to determine if she has a sexual person inside of herself. She knows what YOU think that answer is, so you were not the obvious choice for her to turn to.
Good luck, hang in there and give her space. She will come around to you.
I hate to say this, especially because I don't want to make Cloud anymore paranoid than he is...
But I have to say that something doesn't feel right for me with all of this. Cloud, I think the gals here are giving you some good advice. But you seem to be acting in a tad bit desperate fashion. Get a grip on your emotions, and don't hold so tightly to your wife. You are NOT sinking, and she is NOT your life perserver. After tonight, I'd back off some, and do not instigate contact with her for the next few days. See if she calls you... and don't be hanging out at the house, spying on her. You're going to drive yourself nuts.
I'd continue to work on things, but I'd hang back a little, because again, something just doesn't seem kosher here...
AND YOU ARE NOT LONELY. You are feeling less that confident, and you are doubting yourself at every turn. Knock it off... embrace the space you have and do some thinking, or do some writing, or listen to some music, do some mediatating... but focus on you and all of your personal assets... do NOT sit in that damn apt. of yours and listen to the silence. Got that?
How did your wife react when you pulled out her journal and confronted her about her entry regarding the fireman on the couch episode? What did she do?
Sorry to be away for awhile, just couldn't get onto a computer till now. We went out for dinner last night, rather than make it at home. We started the day by going to the beach, then to dinner. After dinner, she said that she drifts in and out of feelings for Mr. Hunky Fireman, which is to be expected, I suppose. I dropped her and our daughter off so both could nap. She called me later to invite me over to spend more time together. I left the house rpetty late, after we talked for awhile. She's till at her fork-in-the-road, not knowing if she can make the commitment to me, or should I say the investment in us. The other fork is trying herself out on the open market, or with Mr. Hunky Fireman. I gave her a new option to think about: she can pursue dating this man if she wants, but I get to date as well. Not only do I get to date, but I get to have sex, since she did with him. She has the rest of the weekend to think about it, but she doesn't seem too crazy about me dating. I guess it's only good enough for her.
This morning, she called me to say hi, and I acted aloof. I went over and picked up my daughter to hang out with her, adn the wife asked me what was wrong. I told her that I am perfectly fine: I'm reading the D.B. book, my apartment is neat again, I have a job I start Monday, and I have two daughters who love me. She hugged me and started crying, saying she's so filled with anxiety. Boo-hoo. I was still nice to her, and then I told the little one to *hop in the car for a trip to Daddy's house*, the wife cried even more. As I left, she told me she loves me.
We plan to get together to watch a video tonight. It's a scary movie, and she wanted me there to watch it with her. (It's called The Ring.) Tomorrow night, I told her I'd hang the Xmas lights on the house, then we agreed to go out to a movie at a theater. Sunday, I am taking the day off from her altogether.
So, here's my questions, which Cathy has already answered for me when I spoke with her yesterday:
Am I being too nice? Should I keep showing her my sincere interest and keep working positive steps with her? Should I start dating someone, just as a release? Should I back off and not be available to her, only to my daughters?
Cathy felt that I am her sure thing right now. She can count on me right now, and sort out her confusion without the emotional bondage of me being unavailable to her. I do love this woman, but I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. She is showing some genuine feelings toward me, but I also feel like I'm being tested. Or, maybe used is a bettrer word.
The affair hit its zenith a week ago today, and we've gone through so much since then. I don't believe she's calling this guy, but I believe she's fantasizing about him, thinking good thoughts of him. She was so defiant when I showed her the journal writings I saw. Not a trace of concern for my feelings. Even later that day, when we spoke on the phone, she was still approaching it from a very logical manner: I'm human; It was something that I needed for me; There's no emotional attachment to this guy, he's just a fantasy (the she continues to have feelings for him!). It wasn't until the next day that she started showing regret.
I want to know why, I think it was Jiji who said it, you think this Fireman guy is a jerk, or whatever word you used? I asked my wife if she can entertain the possibility that he just took advantage of a vulnerable woman. She won't accept that. She knows he's a better man than that (plus I'm sure that it would be a blow to her ego to admit I might be right). Why do you think this guy's such a loser, as I do? I need to know. I was at the house last night, and I found myself walking past the couch they had sex on, and staring at it, imagining them screwing each other. I just stared. She's making plans to get rid of the couch.
Oh well, enough out of me for today. I hope to check back later tonight, or tomorrow. I'm in much better spirits today, but still confused as to if I'm doing the right thing(s).
Quote: Why do you think this guy's such a loser, as I do? I need to know.
I'm not a man so I can only address the question from the female view point. Any man who is willing for our first sexual encounter to be on the couch, in the home that another man is paying for has no respect for me or himself. I could have no respect for him. Any man who would be willing to to do that with a newly separated woman who is emotioanally weak is looking for one thing....sex and it probably has very little to do with any feelings he might have about her.
Teenagers have sex on the couch. Teenagers lose control and screw on the couch. Jesus, the are adults, in a bad situation and they don't have enough self-control to handle themselves in an adult fashion. The guy is a sleaze bag and he is taking advantage of her vulnerability.
My question is why do you "need" to know why we think he is a jerk? You can't convince her of that no matter what argument you come up with. That is something she is going to have to see herself and the more you try and help her see it the longer it is going to take her to see it. Let it go Brian. It's just worry over more stuff you have no control over. Cathy~
I couldn't help myself, and sent two very firm text messages to Mr. Hunky fireman yesterday, then took my wife out for dinner and a movie. Problem is, the movie was Love Actually, which I recommend, but had enough cheating and hunky guys in it to make me insecure all over again. The night, overall, went well though. She asked me to come over for dinner tonight, but I am struggling with whether or not to go. Am I giving myself too much to this woman, as she stays on the fence about me, and about us? After today, we'll be back into our routines with work (I start a new gig tomorrow), and regular schedules after the long weekend. She just wants to enjoy my company once again before that happens. Nevertheless, I want to hold back. I don't know if she's still in touch with this guy or not, but she sems to be sincere in her desire to be with me, and care for me.
What to do. What to do.
Hope all's well with everyone out there, and that you all had a wonderful holiday. Thanks again for your concern. I'm very grateful for it.
Don't lower yourself to communicating in any form or fashion with Mr. Fireman. Believe it or not, it will only encourage him, knowing he is probably getting under your skin.
