Once I was lost, but now I'm....still lost?

[hoosiermama]

I've come to understand many reasons why through her death - she was sick. She needed help that I couldn't give to her, and for that, I don't blame myself. I do have guilt because I never was able to properly say goodbye.

That's one of the most difficult parts of any sudden death--those left behind were not able to say good-bye, or any of the other things they may have wanted to communicate. But I'm glad you understand that it wasn't your fault.

I've already thought of counseling, as I'm feeling really numb and not sure how to deal with this agony I am feeling.

Yes, please seek counseling, and the sooner the better. You need as much support as you can get right now--suicide is very difficult for the survivors. There may even be a "Survivors of Suicide" support group near you, and that may be very helpful because others can tell you how they coped and what you can expect.