Young couple in need of help

[MrBond]

Perfect. Just keep that positive vibe going.

[sumguy27]

The other little things I have notice is after our dinner discusion we had our kids at my friends house who I was going to go afterwards anyways. We are all friends and the wives and girlfriends were making taco's and cucumber salad. The guys were grilling the steaks and it was like old times.

The guys then head inside and and went down stairs to karaoke. The girls got done cooking and I went upstairs to check up on the kids and her. She wanted me to make her a taco so I did. I gave her the plate and she took a bite. I said hey could I have a bite too? Instead of handing me the plate she holds it and feeds it to me. I was buzzing a bit but remember it clearly. I was like wow you haven't done that for me in ages! It felt really good.

It was around 2am and we took the kids back to my place. I told her I can take them but I need help bring both of them inside. So she helps me and we seperate the keys. I did ask her to stay since it was late and I know its a long drive. She said no I can't. I told her they are going to look for you in the morning. she said I know and looks down. I gave her a huge and kiss on the cheek and said "thank you for a great night."

Sunday we took the kids to the Zoo. At first on the ride there I felt tension and a wall. But I as I kept coming up with new ideas to talk about she opened up to me and loosen up a bit. She really opened up when I talked about a friend who is going to school for dental hygienist. We started talking about school that we both are young and should go back. I never onced talked about the R and it was great! We had fun with the kids. My kids were so much happier seeing the both of us together. I knew it and she nows it too. After the Zoo I took the family out for some Pho and we went back to my place. She helped me with the kids and she told me that she will come and visit them on Weds before she goes to Atlanta. I gave her a huge and a kiss on the cheek and said "thanks for a great day."

my mom who loves her dearly before we left to the Zoo was begging her to come back and was telling her that my little ones are much happier with us together. She just sat there and listened but didn't say much. I told my mom its ok don't push her. So when my mom showed up at my place afterwards I told her to not push her because I'm trying something. So she just asked her if she wanted any cucumbers, peppers, corn, etc from her garden. She also told her that when you have the kids and I miss them and you please answer the phone and don't ignore me. My mom almost broke down and she told my mom "ok". A lot has been happening and I want to keep this positive thing going on.

[Stronger]

All of that is great.
But you do have to ask your families to back off….no pressure to work it out and no pressure to break it off. This is about you two no one else. I know they all would rather see you together and happy, but it’s not for them to get involved. You did a good job asking your mother to leave it be.

You did a very very good job of having fun and being light. She made the right choice in leaving too. You both still need some space and time.

Now, here’s the warning….it’s quite normal that after a great time, or day or weekend, the next time you see her, she’ll “pull back” or “lash out”. Basically, the WAS is distant or just outright mean. It’s part of the dance, caused by their confusion. Do NOT take it personal. I hated the back lash….but I was actually pretty good at dealing with it in person….then I would call, post or text everyone and vent to them. I never let it out in front of him, played it cool during the pull back. And the back lashes ended even before he started making efforts toward us again. So that’s my advice on that. Just understand, really, it’s not you, it’s her confusion…..”Wait a minute…..I had fun with him? But I told him we were through??? How could I have fun with him if I really think we’re done? Maybe we’re not done????? What????? What’s happening? I know what I’ll do, I’ll be mean to him…..that will show him to have fun with me!!!!” Seriously, I think that’s what goes through their heads during a pull back.

Crazy stuff.

Now that you are getting better at keeping it light, keep off the R talk. Keep it light. Keep it comfortable. Remember you, don’t have to entertain her, you just have to keep it comfortable when you are together. Got it?

You’re doing great.

[sumguy27]

I got a text today.

W: Hey I have a letter from the court bout the ticket. Can you pay for it n I'll pay u back cuz i need money to go down to atl

??

I want to help because I love her. But I want to let her know that she wanted to be on her own. If she was with me yes I would pay for it just like that. Confused.

[sumguy27]

I think she just had the shock of her life. She will owe me $296.50 by next week. Her rent is 650 and after she pays rent and me she will have no money left in her account. I guess what I said was I can lend you the money but you have to pay me by next week.

[Stronger]

Ok, this is a tough one. What does your gut say?

I know you want to help her so maybe that's what you should do. Help her this time but make it clear with the separate households you both are going to have to really buckle down here. The partying, the socializing....it's expensive as is but now that you have two households, it's something that's going to have cut back.

Gently explain....divorce is one of the single most devastating events financially speaking. We don't even have to go into the emotional toll of it, but taking the emotional side out of it, speaking logistically, it's a very hard hit to the pocket. She's going to have to learn that.

[sumguy27]

I'm probably going to still try and teach her a lesson. I will tell her to pay me 200 next week and the rest the following pay check. I can't let it sly right? Then she will still owe me 165 on top of the rest. I mean if I keep letting her sly she will take advantage of me is how I see it. I love her but this is how she wants it.

Yes that is what I was trying to explain to her about finances during our dinner date. that those bills are going to go on top of her other bills. That she is going to have to budget and spend wisely.

We are sperated and not divorced yet. And whatever my kids need I will get it for them no problem.

[Stronger]

I don't know if the attitude should be "teach her a lesson". Sounds sort of harsh, but yes, I think you have the right mindset. There are emotional reasons to work it out and practical reasons.

It's sort of like I told a friend....it doesn't matter why you get a job....it matters what you do when you start working.

In this situation...it doesn't matter why you stay together and work on it...it's what you produce in the new relationship. If you stay together for financial reasons at first, but then turn this marriage into a solid rock where everyone is getting what they need and everyone is contributing what they need, all are happy....so be it.

[sumguy27]

Well she came over tonight and left. God she was hot. Ok nevermind that. I didn't say much to her. She showed me her ticket and said if I could pay for it. I asked what her budget was for her trip. She said 500. I was shocked. But I didn't try and argue with her about it. She then looked at the due date and said"well I can pay for it nevermind." I then asked when she was going to pay me for insurance. She started to raise her voice at me. I didn't want to pick that battle. She then said she is going to pick up the kids Monday after work. I didn't want to pick that battle either.

When she was leaving my son started to cry. It broke my heart. He wanted his mommy to stay. We both walked her to her car and and we both huged her. I huged and kissed her on the cheek and said "have fun on your trip."

I wished WAS can see the pain of there childern. I wished she was back it was hard not to just tell her how much pain everyone is in.

She was hot and smelt really good. Man wtf she never did that when we were together? I know she is going out also. Its obvious. But I didn't make a fit about it.

I need to breath.

I miss her. Almost done with DR.

[Stronger]

You did well.

Do NOT tell her how much the family is hurting. She knows. The more you make her feel guilty....guess what? Instead of seeing you and feeling guilty, she'll cut of contact....make it minimum.

She knows and she has to deal with that responsibility and guilt on her own.