Interesting TEGH......the relationship between your wife and her father needs comparing to her later relationships. In that initial relationship...she was the number one with dad, but lived with unenforced boundaries. She was the daughter who probably "could do no wrong". As she matured she become accustomed to lack of boundaries and more than likely used this to her advantage.
Little is known about marriage number one other than the husband left her, yet she continued to have on and off sexual relations with him into her second marriage. I would presume that husband one left her once he realized her control issues. He had little invested at this point and choose door number two.
Husband number 2 was controlling..not abusively, but in a manner different than what she was used to (dad). She wasn't getting her way, so in retaliation she continued her relationship with husband #1. I would assume (please correct me) that she ceased sexual relations with husband #2 while sleeping with her ex? Hard to confirm that one, but it sounds like she could have been punishing husband #2 for his controlling behavior.
You....not controlling, self aware, and doubting what you can offer a woman. In you she found the relationship she had with her father. You adore her and she is allowed to control the relationship. Not in a domineering way, but controlling none the less. For the most part she gets her way and when you set boundaries, she retreats in some manner. Currently that is lack of communication. I actually see similarities now in your wife and my sister. My sister was the "can do no wrong" child in our house. Her relationship with her husband is similar to yours with your wife. When he set boundaries about spending money or child discipline..she would withdraw, spend more, or eventually have an affair. I always related her adult behavior to my parents treatment of her. As a child, when she didn't get her way she became sullen and withdrawn until they gave in....in my opinion...spoil me or I won't play nice. The last I knew, her husband has become like you...."I don't care anymore, just let me do my thing".
In the end, You end up in a horrible situation. You set boundaries and she retaliates by withdrawing or you don't and maintain peace in the house (at the cost of your sanity). What I feel is even worse in your situation is your wife's profession. I have known a lot of therapists through the years and most (not all) have an air of superiority. There is nothing wrong with them, it is the rest of us that are screwed up. Hence she is unwilling to see the pattern that is unfolding...maybe even unable to see it. So that really only leaves two options for you...stop complaining and accept it or decide what you are willing to lose to get yourself back! Obviously you accepted it 12 years (I know you didn't accept it, but you did live with the status quo)and now you are done.
I think your answers don't lay here...I think they lay in your old journals. What does TEGH really want? From that, what is TEGH willing to do to get what he wants and deserves?
Hopefully the vibrating cell phone woman was not very attractive. I would hate to think that the question "why didn't I chase her?" is haunting your dreams!
