WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

Ironically, that was one of the complaints she had. After the Jan bomb, she said that she felt that I focused so much of my time and energy on the boys, the house and my job, that she felt there was none left for her. I told her that I was doing all of that for her - because I loved her and was trying to give her everything. She just replied that I never gave her myself.

I couldn't argue with that and I own that piece of it and am a better person for it so I won't repeat my mistake. The problem is, that is still not an excuse for cheating and violating the trust and promise we made to each other.

I know she felt that I cheated her of a "happy, loving" life over the past 10 years. I thought I was giving that to her. So that was a mistake. It was not a conscious act.

Cheating is a conscious act of betrayal and hurt, not just to me but to the boys. Even someone as blind as her must see that.

So I do focus on the boys and am trying to build myself up and focus on me. I know there are many wonderful caring people out so I refuse to let myself be jaded by one person. I am the only one who can control my happiness. I know I will be happy with who ever is in my life in the future.

As one of my dear friends have told me, as long as I live life honorably, I can always hold my head up high, regardless of the outcomes. I have nothing to be ashamed of how I've lived my life in my marriage. I have nothing to hide. I can be proud of that.

So it sounds like I'm back on track to an up moment..... less than 8 hours till I see my boys!