WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

That was a short lived up moment. Around 11 PM, I couldn't stay up any longer so I wound up crashing before 11:30 PM (earliest in weeks - usually it was closer to 2 AM). I thought I was going to get plenty of sleep (7 hours - I get up at 6 AM to get to work), but woke up twice last nite with the same nightmare as last nite (last time my wife and I were intimate). Both times I woke up in a cold sweet (even though I had the hotel room set at 65).

I just can't shake it out of my head. How fond/happy memories can all deteriorate to utter disgust and betrayal? I had long questioned when my wife would beat me up about the past, she would always find a negative to any positive memory I had. They seemed like minor negatives. They seemed so easily fixable when she brought them up during the weekly verbal beatings she would give me.

I don't see how you fix this level of betrayal though. Or perhaps I am being too closed minded to this. But the anguish is all a moot point as she has shown no remorse nor made any move towards doing so.

The past several months, I have been trying to prepare for being ok with or without her in my life. She will always be in the boys life as she is their mother, as I will always be in their lives as I am their dad. I guess the big difference now is that all hope of her in my life is now gone.

The hope that would bring a smile/warmth in my heart of the possibility has been replaced by disgust and betrayal. I know I can't live like that. It won't be healthy for me mentally nor physically.

I do feel like I'm stuffing it and hiding it as I was talking to someone at work last week. She had said someone was complaining about some nonsense. I told her that I was in a real grumpy mood and would love to tell them that they know where the door is if they don't like it, but knew that wasn't the right thing to do. I told her I had been grumpy mood for the past 2 weeks. She said she never would have guessed as I seemed so upbeat and positive.

I'm trying to prevent myself from sliding too far into a funk. I think I'm holding on. I do know that I will see my boys in less than 9 hours. Yeah!