Jesus H. Murphy Motherfu!$king Christ, Josephy, Mary, Margaret and all the GAWDdam saints in the heavens above... I get into a car, drive to Florida, TWO DAYS OF DRIVING in a car... and YOU, YOU... I hop on the PC and the whole FU&$CKING world around here explodes!!!!!!!
There's NO EMAIL adress to find you, no phone number to call, all I can do is pound on a keyboard and pray to God that some form of brilliant inspiration will flow through my fingertips... You know, and what's worse, I had a dream about you last night, so you've been kind of floating through my thoughts here and there... and given that I've never met you, seen you, talked to you, it seems a real weird thing that I should dream about you... well, it was a strange dream. I'll fill you in sometime.
Cloud. The reason why you are feeling so scared, loney, ugly worthless... and all those other awful things you're calling yourself... is precisely because you feel so out of control. Those feelings have nothing to do with her. Your life has been turned end-over-end and you feel adrift at sea. Though I have never met you, I am certain you are anything but ugly, worthless, etc. You can't be ANY of those things because I like you too much, and I happen to have excellent, impeccable taste.
There is no such thing as control and there is no such thing as safety. They are illusions we create for ourselves so we don't have to live in a constant state of anxiety. Things will come along in life that periodically strip our illusions away, and guess what? You're illusions have been ripped from you.
Doesn't mean you are at the mercy of life. Just means that when the tape of life rips the hair from your body, it hurts.
We are not defined by the esteem of others, we are not defined by the love of others, we are not defined by our talents, intelligence, accomplishments, career, pay level, or possessions.
We are defined soley by the decisions we make.
Should you be so careless as to decide that you are lonely, ugly, worthless, scared and confused, you will continue to act and react and MAKE DECISIONS in a manner that will bear these things out in your life.
Stop, Cloud. Your wife is doing her thing right now, but DO NOT allow her confusion to send you spiraling. There is no doubt that these things hurt, but they are not happening because you somehow have the misguided notion that you are an unworthy being. The world is not revolving around you and throwing hailstorms at you for misdeeds, misactions... the world is happening. Period. Seperate yourself from it so that you can best decide how to navigate the storm. Of course the hail hurts as it rains down upon you. But it is not raining down upon you as retrobution. It is hailing because that is what sometimes happens in life.
Don't curl up on me now, guy. You've got a storm to weather, and falling apart and crying about being stuck in the storm, while tempting, is not going to get you through it.
You can fight this and rale at the heavens, or you can accept the situation as it comes and take this one step at a time. But for God's sake, do not help the storm in defeating you by joining it in beating yourself up.
You are beautiful in every single way. And even if you don't FEEL beautiful at the moment, that doesn't mean that you aren't. All it means is that you aren't listening to me, and we all KNOW how unwise that is.
This was not the inspired brilliance I was hoping for you. So keep writing, and I will keep trying to be inspiringly brilliant, and we can keep trying together.
