UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

[Eskimo Nell]

Have knocked myself out this arvo ... got to grips with the new petrol mower that I had a lesson on, from H, last evening. I am so resentful that he would let me do this - it's a big task and the least I would have expected was that he would not stand by and let me do such heavy manual tasks ... our block is large and I used to watch him struggle to complete the lawns. Doesn't say much about his respect for me, does it? Still, tackling it bit by bit, I have done the back gardens so the front and sides will get it tomorrow.

I have also moved the patio furniture around and put the garden vac all around the alfresco so that it's all squeaky clean and new looking, once again. Moving the outdoor furniture is far more beneficial the new way around - I can go out and read to my hearts content now but still leave old puss on 'his' favourite piece of furniture, undisturbed!

I look back on all the jobs that I have been doing since H left and I almost felt drawn to write to him and let him know how much I appreciate what he has done for me in years gone by. I had no idea how much he was really doing and how much I took for granted that he would carry on doing. I guess he's finding things the other way around now that he has to do washing, ironing etc ... Mind you, I would rather his tasks - my new stuff is physically challenging but should keep my weight on track - a downward trend!

Well, that's another day almost over - it's really sad that I am living like this and counting down to ..... to what exactly? There's nothing out there for me to look forward to, other than the day H says that he's coming home. I still feel so stuck despite all the advice to GAL but it's just not so easy done as said, with my circumstances as they are. It's hard not to sit and wallow, feeling self-pity and abject misery but that really is kind of where I am at.