New to this Community seeking advice

[MichelleLT]

Hah. I can't count the number of times I heard "too late."

It's like they resent the fact that you are willing to put in the work. Must make them feel guilty.

It's great that she called, but I wouldn't go along with the "you called" bit too much if you didn't. She could get the idea that you are calling more frequently than you really are, and that may lead her to believe you are pursuing, when in fact it's probably the fault of her caller ID not being cleared out recently.

[JR09]

Journaling.

I'm sitting here at work. Lunch time.I've been thinking about the phone conversation with my W. I'm trying to process everything that was said and figure out if I did well at paying attention and truly listen to what my W was saying. I did a lot of affirmation. I also aknowledged a few instances when I could have done a better parenting when I was with the boys in JUL.

My W didn't like it that I bought the boys a lot of toys because she was stricter when they returned back with her. She didn't want to look like the bad parent because she didn't buy the boys everything they wanted. She has a point there. I took the criticism and acknowledged this "needs improvement".

Anyway, I think I did well overall. The main goal was to not get sucked into a fight and answer fire with fire. I never lost my composure and kept it even keel even when my wife came out with a few (valid) criticisms. That's when I can truly say I DID change because I am actually very calm about everything. I don't want to go back to what I used to be.

Well, it's been 14 months since this whole thing erupted. But it seems as if time stopped for me. I believe time will resume once I can finally move on with or without my W. I'd rather to be WITH my W.

JR

[JR09]

Journaling...

My W called again today after I left a message earlier. This really kind of surprises me. My W usually rarely returns my phone calls til I call her weekly on Thursdays. So this is quite unusual for her to call back.

I told her I had permission from my boss to go on a pass and travel to link up with my W and children for that religious ceremony for my S12. She appeared genuinely pleased. I told her I'd like to spend an evening or two with the boys before they head back home to her parents. She didn't say much other than she'll see if there is time. I didn't insist, but I made it clear I really would appreciate some time with the boys.

Anyway, I could still sense the "defensive" posture and the angry/hurt voice of my wife...

My wife calls again this evening! This time she wanted to tell me that the religious ceremony will not happen this weekend because the bishop was out of town. Kind of disappointing. I was really looking forward to seeing the Boys again. But I kept my cool on the phone and regained my upbeat voice as I told my W that "it was OK...We'll do it next time, no worries". My W sensed I was bummed, but I think she was pleased that I was positive about it. Her voice was gentle and calm...my Wife's normal voice.

I asked her how school was. She said she had a test the next day and needed to study. So we ended there and said bye to each other. WOW, I talked with my W three times in the past 4 days...That is a first for us after 14 months apart. Again, I have to refocus and not read into any of it. But I thought it was great that she initiated all the calls. I'm impressed. What does this all mean? Any input anyone?

JR

[healthydad]

Hey JR,

I think you're right about keeping your focus and not reading into too many things...it can get you into all sorts of trouble far too quickly - and right now I think the best thing for you to do is to continue doing what you've been doing - DBing...taking care of yourself - allowing your W her space - and staying calm and self assured.

Sorry you don't get to see your boys as soon as you planned - but hopefully it will work out for you to get an evening or two with them.

You're a good man, JR. I have a lot of respect for you.

-Carlos.

[JR09]

Journaling:

News tonight: the judge dismissed the divorce proceedings because of inactivity for the past 6 months. My W's lawyer filed a motion to keep the case active a week ago. But the judge denied it and ruled to close the case today...

I should be rejoicing but I have mixed feelings. When my W will be informed about this, I hope she won't be emboldened to refile and this time go with the proceedings all the way. I pray she doesn't. I don't know what to make of today's decision by the judge. How shall I talk when I call my W for our weekly phone link-up? I'm afraid to even call at this point. I hope she won't be angry and act upon it by refiling, but this time for good.

Of course I am looking at the worst case scenario because I don't know what's going to happen next as far as her reaction goes. I should just let go and not worry about it. I can only DB and continue on the path that has saved me. No need to make scenarios and read into everything...Anyway, I'm kind of lost right now.What to do? What to say? No idea.

JR

[MrBond]

"I should just let go and not worry about it."

You answered yourself right there. Don't even mention the R word. Just talk about what you need to and that's that. If she starts getting into the R talk, just tell her you have plans and have to go. Then end it.

Live your life as you want to. Be the one in control. Don't let her have the power.

[healthydad]

I agree with Stuck...you're on the right track...one good thing to do is to give yourself the 24/48-hour rule (whatever it takes) - not to respond to anything when emotions are still too intense...I seldom make a good emotional decision...

-Carlos.

[MichelleLT]

You should keep doing what you have been doing!

You are not arguing much.

She has called.

You are doing things that are working!

Let her decide what she's going to do about the D.

Just focus on you!

You're doing great!

[JR09]

Thanks Michelle.

You are right. Ultimately, it's really up to my W to decide what she will do with the D. I keep stressing about it. But I know I need to refocus on myself and stay the course with DBing. I ended my workday with PT(physical training) and treated myself to some good food for dinner. I'll watch a DVD tonight and sleep in tomorrow morning.

THANKS again, Michelle.

JR

[JR09]

Journaling...

Today is my olodest son's 12th birthday. Pretty important age in our religious life...and I'm not there to celebrate with him. I did call him to "be there". I was fighting back my tears. This is tough, really tough. My W knows how much birthdays mean to me. I am not mad at her. I'm just mad at the situation.

I went out to run errands and go to the gym. Do some type of GALing...better than being sad at home. Might as well be sad doing something productive. Lifting weights and blowing off some frustration was a good move today. I sure wish I were home with my W and children...someday...someday maybe.

I think of my W daily. 14 months apart is a long time. I know my W still harbors hurt and anger. I understand that. I wish she could get"unstuck" and move forward a bit in her emotions. 14 months is a long time to harbor hurt and anger. But my timeline is not hers. I know I have to be even more patient, understanding, and loving. Someone on this site said DBing is the ultimate test of self-control. That is so true. I always am tempted to ask my W about the relationship when I call. But I always stop short of asking her. DBing is a test of willpower.
I hope I'm up to it.

JR