Positive developments? #2

[K4D]

Ok. Sounds good.

Kevin

[jon2911]

It was a good visit overall. I need to keep telling myself that.

Wednesday, I was surprised to see SSIL there when I arrived. She's the one that lives with W's parents and gets grilled about how W's doing. It was awkward at first, but I took them out for ceviche and then a movie. Even agreed to see "Julie and Julia", and ended up enjoying it. W was very appreciative, and SSIL also.

Thursday we relaxed, spent some time by the pool, and started taxes a bit. W took a nap in the afternoon and woke up very freaked out from one of her nightmares. She didn't want me sleeping in her room this visit and gave that as the reason. She asked if we could go for a drive, and we tried a great Vietnamese place near her apartment, went shopping for several household items for both of us, and then visited old town Spring, a cute little town near Houston. She told me many childhood memories while we were there. We came back and watched "Misery", a great old Stephen King flick with Kathy Bates. The cool thing about this was that I got W's laptop running perfectly through her new TV, which she'd been unable to do. Now she can watch Netflix's online selection that way.

Friday morning she had another doctor appointment, and we worked on taxes the rest of the day. It was tough. We were able to work things out, but there are some touchy subjects like the tax she needs to pay to Louisiana from a gas well she owns there. I told her I don't see any of that money, so I shouldn't pay the taxes.

The whole visit, she had been very negative, and picking at me constantly. She still doesn't like the job I'm working, or the different music stuff I'm doing. But with what she's going through I guess this can be expected. I thanked her Friday afternoon for trying to be nice, even with the tough doctor's appointments and everything. She said "I promised I would try".

Lots of other little things I'm still processing, but then, right when I was ready to leave, I made what feels like a big mistake. I had planned on mentioning the FB message from our friend, and that I need to contact her sister and some other friends to make amends in the recovery steps I'm going through. SIL has been through it as well and will completely understand. I knew it might not go well, but she really blew up and asked me to leave.

As I drove away, I got a text "we can finish taxes over the phone and e-mail. You are not welcome here any more". Ouch. I texted back that I didn't express that well, that I have some contacts that need to be made but I won't badmouth her or make her look bad in any way.

Today I'm really torn up about this. These are friends who have contacted me, who W has completely cut off contact with, but she still forbids me to be in touch with them. I honored that the whole last year, but don't feel it's reasonable any more. At the same time, I value R with W so much more than them. And I feel like I ruined a great visit by bringing it up. I suck at this.

I'm reading through a book on children of alcoholics, and it applies so perfectly to the sitch. The biggest rule in families like W's is "there's nothing wrong with our family and don't you dare talk about it". Also, the kids are forced to be responsible adults early in childhood, and later on get tired of being responsible. It's scary how well this stuff describes W.

The weekend was very good. Disc golf tournament on Saturday, Sunday was packed. Played at church, then fantasy football draft, then staff reunion at the camp I worked at, then watched my friend DJ at a club. So maybe I'm just tired today, but I'm really down.

Do I just leave W alone now? Apologize? Don't know what to do.

[MichelleLT]

You basically already apologized via text right?

I'd leave it be for a while.

Has waiting a week or two and reaching out with a gift or nice note been received well in the past? If so, then do so.

Look back and see what kind of waiting periods have worked - 1 week vs 2 vs 3.

Remember, do what works.

Why did you know the conversation wouldn't go well? Could you have picked a time or place that might have made it more likely to go well?

[jon2911]

You basically already apologized via text right?

Well, kinda. I didn't say I'm sorry, I was wrong, any of that. I'm terrible at that. Need to go back and read 5 languages of apology again.

I'd leave it be for a while.

Has waiting a week or two and reaching out with a gift or nice note been received well in the past? If so, then do so.

Look back and see what kind of waiting periods have worked - 1 week vs 2 vs 3.

Remember, do what works.

I'll have to think about that. This is such a different period in my sitch. We haven't gone more than 2 weeks without contact during the 2 years of separation, I don't think. Will write more on this later.

Why did you know the conversation wouldn't go well? Could you have picked a time or place that might have made it more likely to go well?

I didn't think it would go this badly, but W has been very protective of this group of friends, and her family. It's almost like she wants to punish me and make me think they all hate me. When I actually do have contact with them, like these Facebook messages, that's not the case at all. In fact, W has cut herself off from all these friends. One of them told me "so, she won't talk to us, but she says you can't talk to us either?" He was very upset about it.

Somehow W is still trying to be secretive and keep up appearances. Basically my message to her was I'm not going to let her control who I have contact with. Friends I've talked with today think that this was a good thing. I'm unhappy with the timing and leaving on a bad note, but any other time during the visit wouldn't have been any better.

The rollercoaster is really getting to me, mainly because last week was so nice and made me remember how much I miss W. We got some great things done around her place, like putting in stepping stones by her parking spot for when it rains. Realizing I probably won't see her for a few more weeks is really tough.

[MichelleLT]

You are right on! She is trying to keep up appearances.

She wants you to think she's hanging out with all these friends and doing the things she said she was going to do. Instead, she is sick with migraines a lot.

Not really ideal for either of you.

I TOTALLY agree she can't tell you who to talk to. The issue is how to address that w/o an argument. Which may not be possible.

The key for coming back is to make sure that the next few interactions are positive!

Every R has it's arguments, whether friends/lovers/family, even co-workers.

Just remember: it's not about how far you fall, the important thing is how high you bounce! (I forget who said that but it's one of my favorite quotes, mostly cuz of the amusing visual I get)

[jon2911]

Thanks Michelle! I'm really hoping for some positive interaction soon. But I've had fun this week to get my mind off things. Watched Inglorious Basterds two nights ago and District 9 last night, fun guy nights. Making up for the chick flicks last week LOL.

Had a good meeting with my boss today, still not sure if he can bring me on full-time when my unemployment runs out in 6 weeks, so I need to have other options. I hear they've been extending unemployment here in Texas, so hopefully I'll get that.

[rinserepeat]

Hi. I'm familiar with the book you're reading. It really applied ot my x too.
Take every possible opportunity to be positive and happy with her.
Glad you're having some fun.

[jon2911]

Hey rinse! I need to hop on over to your thread.

Talked with W briefly on Friday, after getting advice some several people. The concern is that W needs to know she's more important to me than these other relationships. I told her that, then she said "I need to go".

Then she sent a text "Do what you need to do. If there's something important to discuss, I would still prefer to email".

I responded "Sounds good. Have a good weekend."

So, here we go, the pull-back. One of the guys here at church talked about how her whole life has been keeping up an appearance of everything being OK. Counselors call it the "fig leaf". When she lets me in a little bit, she'll get scared and realizes her fig leaf is showing, so she'll push me away and retreat back. Then she'll start feeling lonely and realize her life isn't working out, and let me back in, only to repeat the cycle. Helps me to remember that.

[MichelleLT]

Counselors call it the "fig leaf". When she lets me in a little bit, she'll get scared and realizes her fig leaf is showing, so she'll push me away and retreat back. Then she'll start feeling lonely and realize her life isn't working out, and let me back in, only to repeat the cycle. Helps me to remember that.

For future reference.

[jon2911]

Not much going on here, NC since the phone call a week ago. Just trying to hang in.